This is my idea of decorating! hahahahaha. This is HILARIOUS to me!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Purpose
What's yours? Do you live for yourself or others, or both? I believe life is all about balance. I live for myself but I also help others as well. You may not gather that about me from this blog here, but away from here, all day long I work to help others. I listen to people all day long tell me what their physical goals are. I hear their stories of how they want to be physically healthy so they can achieve mental health as well. It all ties in... It is my job as a personal trainer to give these results to people each and every day. Do I succeed all the time? No. But it is my goal to.
I am in the customer service industry. I know what it is like to hear criticism, comments and feedback. I also know how it feels to be praised for certain accomplishments and for a job well done. I get both ends of it. All day long, every day for 12 years I have been doing this. I am never too good to learn (my obsession), and teaching, training, coaching and motivating are my specialties. Get it?
We have discussed in previous entries how being a trainer also requires at times, being a counselor, a therapist, a friend, an enemy, and a sitter.
As a mother, I do the same thing. I am fully responsible for my daughter's actions. I am the one who disciplines and regulates and gives structure and order to her routine... but conversely has to entertain and amuse her so she can enjoy life as a child. I am both mother and father every day. Not complaining, but it is not an easy task. It's ok, I chose it to be this way.
In the Army it seemed, I never did anything right. Constantly striving for better- the Army showed no mercy. They drove us to do more and more and the stakes got higher and higher, the more efficient you became. Ok again, I knew that and accepted the challenge. At that time, all I wanted was my Sergeant rank. I lived for it, just like I now live for my pro card in bodybuilding. To prove my value to the service I needed that rank. I was nothing without it, it seemed. At 1.5 years in, I attained my E-4 (Specialist) rank. I made it that far that quick and I remember feeling pretty good about that. I went up 3 ranks so fast I left my fellow soldier friends behind. Some of them were still E2 and E3 as I flew past them. But then, as in bodybuilding now, I grew tired of the demands. It seemed that the harder I worked the less satisfaction I got. I got bored quickly and wanted to escape from the pressure. Once you prove to be good at something, people expect more from you. More and more, and when you come with what you brought before it just doesn't work next time around. It's called progression and I think at times I tend to resist it and get annoyed with things that get taken for granted. My passion for the service fell into a dull, nagging chore I began to HATE. I used to enjoy putting on my BDU's and combat boots... but after a few years of putting in 110% while everyone else put in half that, I began to lose interest. I guess my heart just wasn't where it was supposed to be.
Even though my devotion and loyalty to the US Army was apparent through my very being in the service, and through my every day accomplishments and what not, I just couldn't help but start to resent my life. How was I ever going to be happy serving something so ungiving... something so uniformed that individual recognition was never going to happen. I was just another number. I would never stand out, but instead would be moved around whenever, pushed and pulled wherever, and in any direction without any consideration for my personal feelings. All this became very apparent when I decided to be a mother. I wanted a baby. I didn't know what my future would hold but I knew this- I wanted to be a mother. So I took the steps necessary to get what I wanted. I didn't care about a marriage or a commitment from this man... that was a whole other project that would take YEARS to accomplish- the training, the time.. oh no. Not now. I just wanted a child. I was ready. I was in the perfect position. The Army would take care of me, right? They paid for all of my living expenses, health care, education/college, etc... I made good pay, I didn't have any bills really, childbirth would be taken care of, hospital bills, etc... all done. The answer was clear- now was the time. I was young and had tons of energy. I felt strong enough and ready to give my all to this baby. I thought I was smart enough to do it and I knew that I could love this baby like nothing I had ever loved before. So... off I went on this grand adventure seeking the father of my unborn child.
I never told anyone (not even my mother) about my plan. I was looking for a man in the service that had rank. This was so I knew he was responsible. He had to be good looking and blonde- Preferred blue eyes. Had to be in good shape and have great genetics. Tall and lean. A shy guy would be nice too. Didn't need to get laid and come out with some disease, SOOOOO I picked the nerdiest man I could find. Good looking (to me), but nerdy. He was PERFECT. And when I say perfect, I mean it. I mean he had blue eyes and blonde hair (shaved of course), a mean, hard body with perfectly chiseled muscles. He wore glasses (mmmmmmmmmmm). He was tall and super sweet. Oh man. I nailed it. And it was so easy to have him. I met him at a karoake club that only soldiers could enter. He was there by himself (what a turn on for me). I was with a pack of my girlfriends. I told my roomate he looked amazing and she laughed at me... she thought he was a total dork. BUT she went and pulled him to our table. We started talking and voila! I knew he was the one. The one, of course, for what I needed.
I did not sleep with him for the first few weeks as I got to know him. But by the end of the month, I was ready. He was the ultimate package. Anyway, just a little info on how Alli was made. haha. You see how beautiful she is, don't you? She is amazing.
But when I had her in the hospital and looked into her eyes for the first time I realized the Army was no longer the life for me and my new family. I stayed in the military for a little while longer trying to make it work but dying inside because I wasn't able to be with her like I knew I needed to be.
There is always rhyme and reason for every decision I make in my life. I don't just fall into things. I didn't just decide to bodybuild for any old reason. I didn't just have a baby without thinking. I don't haphazardly do shit just to see what happens. If I do something I pretty much know the outcome and have accepted it as such. I research and plan and I think long and hard, analyzing every detail before I make a move. I talk to people, I observe and I READ. One of my favorite things to do is read. It's amazing what you can be and do when you read.
Like right now---- many of you that follow my blog know that I am, and have been on the lookout for a man for quite some years now. How many years? And I still have not made a move. I could have by now right? But no. It's not right, yet. The things I had cooking have simmered and what is left is still doubtful. And if I have doubts I don't move at all. I'll sit in idle, I will become a statue until it's right. But as you read this, make no mistake that I always make it very clear what I need and want. I don't trick men into anything. Hey, here it is... this is what I plan on. I tell it how I want it. I don't want any fake shit. And when I say this I will refer back to my paragraph above about the making of my daughter. I flat out told Allison's father that I wanted a baby. I also specifically told him that I would raise her on my own- he did not have to stay by my side. I wasn't looking for a long-term commitment. Most people do not agree with my way of thinking- what's new? You do what you have to and I will too.
So when I repeat over and over again that I want a submissive man, that is exactly what I am looking for. Now when I say submissive I mean in the sense that he can function on his own and away from me. He has a brain and he is super intelligent. I won't be with a dumbass, and he won't be a dead beat, lazy slug. He has to have goals and ambition and drive. Because if he doesn't how will he continue to satisfy? And when I say I want to control him, I will always be giving, caring, and love him unconditionally. I will be loyal and honest. I will work and play hard. But I have not yet decided if I want another child or not so how can I make a decision if I have not yet decided on things myself? And yes, if I want another child I will have one, however possible. When everything is right.
I waited purposely to respond to those that emailed from my last post. I have learned not to respond hastily but to sit and think before writing. I had to "graze" on the responses (no, not yours dumbass, yours was the one I just hit delete as soon as I read your subject line). Of course you know there were the normal idiots that were upset with the simplest of things, magnifying them way out of proportion and totally missing the GOT DAMN point. Like the one FUCKING IDIOT that was offended at my swearing. FUCK. JESUS. Yeah I said it again in hopes that if I say it enough, you won't come back. I don't want you here. Your kind sucks. I don't care if you are offended by my language you little pip squeak. You read enough to know that I give two rat's asses. FUCKING Fucker. DAMMIT. I don't have a religion, I don't share your views on religion, I certainly don't care if you do believe in your God but your God's rules don't apply to me. And if you think that by saying the word "SHIT", I am taking your Lords name in vein than SHIT, you got real fucking major GOT DAMN issues. I don't know how you live with yourself telling me that you are offended when you are the one that slobbers on my strap on like a pussy bitch. There, take that- now your shit is in the open. Does your God agree with your actions? Does your God think you should be picked up over my head and thrown to the ground? Well I figured I would make note of it here so he can read it and you can put a sock in your mouth next time you think about correcting me by using God as your red pen. Should I say more? Should I reveal more of your slimy little secrets? You know, trying to put me out there won't work because I will always win. How dare you.... punk. We all have flaws, yours are no different than mine.
By the way, I have already made my New Year's Resolution to stop swearing. So much.... as much... all the time. I will work on it... it's all I can do. No guarantees though. No promises. I will try. It may not work. Shit, fuck. (not until January). I might have to sprinkle a few out here and there just so I get it out of my system.
There are always the few (1-2) emailers that oil the chains in my brain that start to rust over from my set ways. I enjoy them. I pick their words apart and stick it in my back pocket for later examination.
Then you got the rest that just babble about nonsense and say the same old shit all the time. The same boring-ass closed-up-in-a-box shit that all non-thinkers say. And some try to explain to me who I am with their ridiculous text-book knowledge. They look down upon me by using a tone of 'pity' when they write. As if they are better than I am. I laugh. As if my views, because they are different than their own, are of less value. Or try to make me feel that my views are wrong.
You know we could write forever and a day on Dominance.There are tons of books on the subject and tons of opinions. Everyone sees it differently. Everyone experiences it differently (or they never do and should shut up). There is no right answer. It's all subjective and it is whatever you believe it to be. Right? I had every response from me not being dominant and just needing "structure" in my life, to real subs begging me to take them over since they know that is the life for them. And others who just spoke about relationships in general- blah blah blah. I like to think that my need for a life long submissive man is not simply explained as a relationship with him, but a journey to a place that 99% of the population never get to go. Sort of like bodybuilding. How many can actually follow through with it long-term? It is a practice actually. A lifestyle, not a fleeting hobby. I live the life of a bodybuilder every single day, and you believe that right? Oh, how can it be?
You know what I don't get... how something can be right in front of your face, plain as day and people still second guess it. They still don't believe. Yet people can, without question, have faith in a religion (a Superior being, a higher power) that they have never seen (and never will), but only read about in a book that has absolutely no proof that any of its contents actually exist (ed). That really gets me. You can sit here and doubt my life, what I feel, what I believe... you can resist and argue... even after you see all that I have accomplished and after seeing that what I do is real. I build my body to look like a strong Woman. Is it not possible that I want to live that strength out in every available option there is? Do I just build my body then, simply for attention? Do I build to escape reality? Well then I guess you could also say that I build maybe to fill a void in my life? Is that why you golf too? Is that why you stroke your cock, because you do that every day? The things you enjoy in life, is there a reason why you do them? Is it just for fun or is there some deeper, more relaxing and gratifying reason for doing them?
Some say I might build because I want to have a manly side. Ok. Sure. Yep. But let me tell you this, I am a better man that most out there and I have yet to see a man that I could use for inspiration when it comes to all-around character, personality, build, and discipline, if that was the case. I think Women do a far better job than men do of being men. haha.
You could sit and analyze why, why, why I do what I do all day long and never get it. I build for MANY reasons, not just one. Could it be- just maybe- by some chance- by your God's creation, that I could actually be an advanced person? hahahahaha. I crack myself up sometimes. You yourself know that your God can do anything! Maybe he made me higher up the chain then you!!!! I don't want to use the word Superior because that would sound like I am calling myself a Goddess or something- that I am not. But could I not be a person that lives by the rule that Females are strong and deserve the right to live that way?
I believe that I need a life filled with lessons and practice on many different subjects. And if you want to learn and live that sort of life well then how would you do that with just the average person? No, it doesn't work that way. If I was gay, I would need to find another Woman to be with, right? So I could share my gayness with her! We would be gay together- seems only appropriate, rather than spending a lifetime alone or with a man (being gay and all). Same thing. I am Dominant, it's no different. Why is it ok for you to take the Dominant role in your relationship (that is real right?)(doubtful), but you question me when I want the same thing? Why can't my needs be as real as yours? Too unimaginable for you? Because you live in a fucking box, ok. That's why. And don't play the religion card- that it is your God's intentions, nature's way and all that.. because like I said earlier, I don't share your religious views either.
One guy basically said I was not dominant, but in need of STRUCTURE and ORGANIZATION. Supposedly I have a compulsion for order? Whatever. Really? So basically I just need to manage my time better, get an organizer, a palm pilot or some excel files and a filing cabinet and I am good to go? I suppose next you will tell me that I need a man to give me all this too huh?
I notice the submissive men, the ones that not necessarily always agree with me, but know how to add their comments without sounding as if they are exactly TELLING me who and how I am, are always right on. They know what I am saying. They understand because they live it too. They say the same things I feel. Like for example, if you are sub you speak in terms of serving-- giving, not taking. subs do not feel comfortable giving advice to a Dominant person. They don't 'outline' or explain things. They accept and inquire, instead of battle and boast. They do not disrespect, they don't talk of their needs, they don't direct or have to "admit" anything. It all comes out as we ride the wave. subs are sometimes dying to speak out but know their place and do not unless they are welcomed and invited to do so.
What I hear 85% of the time after I post about this topic, are men that want to top from the bottom. They claim to be subs or slaves or sloths. But in their first breath they tell me all about themselves and what they want and how they want it and so on and so on, giving one good damn about me. Bullshit manipulators. Fake. Curious. You couldn't please me if you bought me all the gifts in the world. you are a control freak. How do I know? Because I am one.
But you are a wolf in sheep's clothing- far from sub.
Ok well another lesson bites the dust. Just read, and enjoy hearing what a Female has to say for once, ok? Just take it, listen to it, and put it in your back pocket. I am not preaching to you to become submissive. I am not trying to recruit you to my way of living or my way of thinking like some do, so don't get offended. I don't care what you do- why would I? you don't bother me and I won't bother you.
I can't change your personality, your self-worth, self-image, self-esteem unless you want me to. Do you want me to? Wanna be stripped? I can't take your ego unless you hand it over to me guys. So relax. And that is the fun of it for me- you gonna give it to me that easy? I enjoy the challenge not the fight.
I would like to leave on a positive note. I am sorry I have to do this... it is for your own good though... thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.......but......
I am stronger than you and I can beat you in anything! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I am in the customer service industry. I know what it is like to hear criticism, comments and feedback. I also know how it feels to be praised for certain accomplishments and for a job well done. I get both ends of it. All day long, every day for 12 years I have been doing this. I am never too good to learn (my obsession), and teaching, training, coaching and motivating are my specialties. Get it?
We have discussed in previous entries how being a trainer also requires at times, being a counselor, a therapist, a friend, an enemy, and a sitter.
As a mother, I do the same thing. I am fully responsible for my daughter's actions. I am the one who disciplines and regulates and gives structure and order to her routine... but conversely has to entertain and amuse her so she can enjoy life as a child. I am both mother and father every day. Not complaining, but it is not an easy task. It's ok, I chose it to be this way.
In the Army it seemed, I never did anything right. Constantly striving for better- the Army showed no mercy. They drove us to do more and more and the stakes got higher and higher, the more efficient you became. Ok again, I knew that and accepted the challenge. At that time, all I wanted was my Sergeant rank. I lived for it, just like I now live for my pro card in bodybuilding. To prove my value to the service I needed that rank. I was nothing without it, it seemed. At 1.5 years in, I attained my E-4 (Specialist) rank. I made it that far that quick and I remember feeling pretty good about that. I went up 3 ranks so fast I left my fellow soldier friends behind. Some of them were still E2 and E3 as I flew past them. But then, as in bodybuilding now, I grew tired of the demands. It seemed that the harder I worked the less satisfaction I got. I got bored quickly and wanted to escape from the pressure. Once you prove to be good at something, people expect more from you. More and more, and when you come with what you brought before it just doesn't work next time around. It's called progression and I think at times I tend to resist it and get annoyed with things that get taken for granted. My passion for the service fell into a dull, nagging chore I began to HATE. I used to enjoy putting on my BDU's and combat boots... but after a few years of putting in 110% while everyone else put in half that, I began to lose interest. I guess my heart just wasn't where it was supposed to be.
Even though my devotion and loyalty to the US Army was apparent through my very being in the service, and through my every day accomplishments and what not, I just couldn't help but start to resent my life. How was I ever going to be happy serving something so ungiving... something so uniformed that individual recognition was never going to happen. I was just another number. I would never stand out, but instead would be moved around whenever, pushed and pulled wherever, and in any direction without any consideration for my personal feelings. All this became very apparent when I decided to be a mother. I wanted a baby. I didn't know what my future would hold but I knew this- I wanted to be a mother. So I took the steps necessary to get what I wanted. I didn't care about a marriage or a commitment from this man... that was a whole other project that would take YEARS to accomplish- the training, the time.. oh no. Not now. I just wanted a child. I was ready. I was in the perfect position. The Army would take care of me, right? They paid for all of my living expenses, health care, education/college, etc... I made good pay, I didn't have any bills really, childbirth would be taken care of, hospital bills, etc... all done. The answer was clear- now was the time. I was young and had tons of energy. I felt strong enough and ready to give my all to this baby. I thought I was smart enough to do it and I knew that I could love this baby like nothing I had ever loved before. So... off I went on this grand adventure seeking the father of my unborn child.
I never told anyone (not even my mother) about my plan. I was looking for a man in the service that had rank. This was so I knew he was responsible. He had to be good looking and blonde- Preferred blue eyes. Had to be in good shape and have great genetics. Tall and lean. A shy guy would be nice too. Didn't need to get laid and come out with some disease, SOOOOO I picked the nerdiest man I could find. Good looking (to me), but nerdy. He was PERFECT. And when I say perfect, I mean it. I mean he had blue eyes and blonde hair (shaved of course), a mean, hard body with perfectly chiseled muscles. He wore glasses (mmmmmmmmmmm). He was tall and super sweet. Oh man. I nailed it. And it was so easy to have him. I met him at a karoake club that only soldiers could enter. He was there by himself (what a turn on for me). I was with a pack of my girlfriends. I told my roomate he looked amazing and she laughed at me... she thought he was a total dork. BUT she went and pulled him to our table. We started talking and voila! I knew he was the one. The one, of course, for what I needed.
I did not sleep with him for the first few weeks as I got to know him. But by the end of the month, I was ready. He was the ultimate package. Anyway, just a little info on how Alli was made. haha. You see how beautiful she is, don't you? She is amazing.
But when I had her in the hospital and looked into her eyes for the first time I realized the Army was no longer the life for me and my new family. I stayed in the military for a little while longer trying to make it work but dying inside because I wasn't able to be with her like I knew I needed to be.
There is always rhyme and reason for every decision I make in my life. I don't just fall into things. I didn't just decide to bodybuild for any old reason. I didn't just have a baby without thinking. I don't haphazardly do shit just to see what happens. If I do something I pretty much know the outcome and have accepted it as such. I research and plan and I think long and hard, analyzing every detail before I make a move. I talk to people, I observe and I READ. One of my favorite things to do is read. It's amazing what you can be and do when you read.
Like right now---- many of you that follow my blog know that I am, and have been on the lookout for a man for quite some years now. How many years? And I still have not made a move. I could have by now right? But no. It's not right, yet. The things I had cooking have simmered and what is left is still doubtful. And if I have doubts I don't move at all. I'll sit in idle, I will become a statue until it's right. But as you read this, make no mistake that I always make it very clear what I need and want. I don't trick men into anything. Hey, here it is... this is what I plan on. I tell it how I want it. I don't want any fake shit. And when I say this I will refer back to my paragraph above about the making of my daughter. I flat out told Allison's father that I wanted a baby. I also specifically told him that I would raise her on my own- he did not have to stay by my side. I wasn't looking for a long-term commitment. Most people do not agree with my way of thinking- what's new? You do what you have to and I will too.
So when I repeat over and over again that I want a submissive man, that is exactly what I am looking for. Now when I say submissive I mean in the sense that he can function on his own and away from me. He has a brain and he is super intelligent. I won't be with a dumbass, and he won't be a dead beat, lazy slug. He has to have goals and ambition and drive. Because if he doesn't how will he continue to satisfy? And when I say I want to control him, I will always be giving, caring, and love him unconditionally. I will be loyal and honest. I will work and play hard. But I have not yet decided if I want another child or not so how can I make a decision if I have not yet decided on things myself? And yes, if I want another child I will have one, however possible. When everything is right.
I waited purposely to respond to those that emailed from my last post. I have learned not to respond hastily but to sit and think before writing. I had to "graze" on the responses (no, not yours dumbass, yours was the one I just hit delete as soon as I read your subject line). Of course you know there were the normal idiots that were upset with the simplest of things, magnifying them way out of proportion and totally missing the GOT DAMN point. Like the one FUCKING IDIOT that was offended at my swearing. FUCK. JESUS. Yeah I said it again in hopes that if I say it enough, you won't come back. I don't want you here. Your kind sucks. I don't care if you are offended by my language you little pip squeak. You read enough to know that I give two rat's asses. FUCKING Fucker. DAMMIT. I don't have a religion, I don't share your views on religion, I certainly don't care if you do believe in your God but your God's rules don't apply to me. And if you think that by saying the word "SHIT", I am taking your Lords name in vein than SHIT, you got real fucking major GOT DAMN issues. I don't know how you live with yourself telling me that you are offended when you are the one that slobbers on my strap on like a pussy bitch. There, take that- now your shit is in the open. Does your God agree with your actions? Does your God think you should be picked up over my head and thrown to the ground? Well I figured I would make note of it here so he can read it and you can put a sock in your mouth next time you think about correcting me by using God as your red pen. Should I say more? Should I reveal more of your slimy little secrets? You know, trying to put me out there won't work because I will always win. How dare you.... punk. We all have flaws, yours are no different than mine.
By the way, I have already made my New Year's Resolution to stop swearing. So much.... as much... all the time. I will work on it... it's all I can do. No guarantees though. No promises. I will try. It may not work. Shit, fuck. (not until January). I might have to sprinkle a few out here and there just so I get it out of my system.
There are always the few (1-2) emailers that oil the chains in my brain that start to rust over from my set ways. I enjoy them. I pick their words apart and stick it in my back pocket for later examination.
Then you got the rest that just babble about nonsense and say the same old shit all the time. The same boring-ass closed-up-in-a-box shit that all non-thinkers say. And some try to explain to me who I am with their ridiculous text-book knowledge. They look down upon me by using a tone of 'pity' when they write. As if they are better than I am. I laugh. As if my views, because they are different than their own, are of less value. Or try to make me feel that my views are wrong.
You know we could write forever and a day on Dominance.There are tons of books on the subject and tons of opinions. Everyone sees it differently. Everyone experiences it differently (or they never do and should shut up). There is no right answer. It's all subjective and it is whatever you believe it to be. Right? I had every response from me not being dominant and just needing "structure" in my life, to real subs begging me to take them over since they know that is the life for them. And others who just spoke about relationships in general- blah blah blah. I like to think that my need for a life long submissive man is not simply explained as a relationship with him, but a journey to a place that 99% of the population never get to go. Sort of like bodybuilding. How many can actually follow through with it long-term? It is a practice actually. A lifestyle, not a fleeting hobby. I live the life of a bodybuilder every single day, and you believe that right? Oh, how can it be?
You know what I don't get... how something can be right in front of your face, plain as day and people still second guess it. They still don't believe. Yet people can, without question, have faith in a religion (a Superior being, a higher power) that they have never seen (and never will), but only read about in a book that has absolutely no proof that any of its contents actually exist (ed). That really gets me. You can sit here and doubt my life, what I feel, what I believe... you can resist and argue... even after you see all that I have accomplished and after seeing that what I do is real. I build my body to look like a strong Woman. Is it not possible that I want to live that strength out in every available option there is? Do I just build my body then, simply for attention? Do I build to escape reality? Well then I guess you could also say that I build maybe to fill a void in my life? Is that why you golf too? Is that why you stroke your cock, because you do that every day? The things you enjoy in life, is there a reason why you do them? Is it just for fun or is there some deeper, more relaxing and gratifying reason for doing them?
Some say I might build because I want to have a manly side. Ok. Sure. Yep. But let me tell you this, I am a better man that most out there and I have yet to see a man that I could use for inspiration when it comes to all-around character, personality, build, and discipline, if that was the case. I think Women do a far better job than men do of being men. haha.
You could sit and analyze why, why, why I do what I do all day long and never get it. I build for MANY reasons, not just one. Could it be- just maybe- by some chance- by your God's creation, that I could actually be an advanced person? hahahahaha. I crack myself up sometimes. You yourself know that your God can do anything! Maybe he made me higher up the chain then you!!!! I don't want to use the word Superior because that would sound like I am calling myself a Goddess or something- that I am not. But could I not be a person that lives by the rule that Females are strong and deserve the right to live that way?
I believe that I need a life filled with lessons and practice on many different subjects. And if you want to learn and live that sort of life well then how would you do that with just the average person? No, it doesn't work that way. If I was gay, I would need to find another Woman to be with, right? So I could share my gayness with her! We would be gay together- seems only appropriate, rather than spending a lifetime alone or with a man (being gay and all). Same thing. I am Dominant, it's no different. Why is it ok for you to take the Dominant role in your relationship (that is real right?)(doubtful), but you question me when I want the same thing? Why can't my needs be as real as yours? Too unimaginable for you? Because you live in a fucking box, ok. That's why. And don't play the religion card- that it is your God's intentions, nature's way and all that.. because like I said earlier, I don't share your religious views either.
One guy basically said I was not dominant, but in need of STRUCTURE and ORGANIZATION. Supposedly I have a compulsion for order? Whatever. Really? So basically I just need to manage my time better, get an organizer, a palm pilot or some excel files and a filing cabinet and I am good to go? I suppose next you will tell me that I need a man to give me all this too huh?
I notice the submissive men, the ones that not necessarily always agree with me, but know how to add their comments without sounding as if they are exactly TELLING me who and how I am, are always right on. They know what I am saying. They understand because they live it too. They say the same things I feel. Like for example, if you are sub you speak in terms of serving-- giving, not taking. subs do not feel comfortable giving advice to a Dominant person. They don't 'outline' or explain things. They accept and inquire, instead of battle and boast. They do not disrespect, they don't talk of their needs, they don't direct or have to "admit" anything. It all comes out as we ride the wave. subs are sometimes dying to speak out but know their place and do not unless they are welcomed and invited to do so.
What I hear 85% of the time after I post about this topic, are men that want to top from the bottom. They claim to be subs or slaves or sloths. But in their first breath they tell me all about themselves and what they want and how they want it and so on and so on, giving one good damn about me. Bullshit manipulators. Fake. Curious. You couldn't please me if you bought me all the gifts in the world. you are a control freak. How do I know? Because I am one.
But you are a wolf in sheep's clothing- far from sub.
Ok well another lesson bites the dust. Just read, and enjoy hearing what a Female has to say for once, ok? Just take it, listen to it, and put it in your back pocket. I am not preaching to you to become submissive. I am not trying to recruit you to my way of living or my way of thinking like some do, so don't get offended. I don't care what you do- why would I? you don't bother me and I won't bother you.
I can't change your personality, your self-worth, self-image, self-esteem unless you want me to. Do you want me to? Wanna be stripped? I can't take your ego unless you hand it over to me guys. So relax. And that is the fun of it for me- you gonna give it to me that easy? I enjoy the challenge not the fight.
I would like to leave on a positive note. I am sorry I have to do this... it is for your own good though... thank you for reading and I hope you have a great day.......but......
I am stronger than you and I can beat you in anything! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Dominance
DON'T READ THIS-- it involves men and dominance. Yeah, that means you. If you are female, friend or family member, redirect your reading somewhere else. Private stuff here and I don't want to hear your shit. If I did not invite you or tell you that you can read this, go away! That means you mom!
Ever ask yourself where you will be in 5-10 years? I do that all the time. And each time it's different except for one thing... one thing always stays the same every time I repeat that question to myself.
I see myself happy. I see myself doing the things I love and feeling good about what I have accomplished. I see a good relationship with my daughter. I see my strength being 10 fold. And I don't mean my physical strength, because that will naturally decline as the aging process kicks in. I see myself enjoying all the things life has to offer. I see myself surrounded with good, honest people. I try to see those things being secure and consistent in years to come, but sometimes they fluctuate.. sometimes they are exactly the opposite. I see my daughter hating me and I see myself alone. My career often changes, my physique flips around when I envision the future, my family changes (do I want more kids, can I have more kids, will I be married?) My financial future is uncertain, my home may change (need a change of seasons dammit, can't live in Fla forever, I NEED snow sometimes!) Lots of uncertainties and I am ok with that, but one thing that never changes in my mind is the need to be involved in something that is more powerful than anything I can control.
Right now for me it is bodybuilding. I can't control it- not yet. I have not found the right combination to get all the results I NEED. Nope. Close, but not yet. Before bodybuilding it was the Army. I needed the Army. It was above me, it controlled me. I had to comform and I had to obey. It gave me the discipline I needed. Sort of like we all have to obey laws and what not in order to stay out of trouble/jail, the Army was that for me- a safe place.
Before the Army it was an older man. A man I thought ruled the world. He was my owner in a sense, and the source of much of the hatred I carry to this day. Amazing how we get trapped into thinking any human can actually control us, but guess what... he did control me. To no end. And guess what? I actually enjoyed it. I needed it. Every day.
Drugs have controlled me, food has controlled me. I have been beaten down many times and I always get back up. I am a fighter. I have been on the losing end of so many battles- and THIS is why I crave authority.
Funny how it works huh? I have this desire to be controlled... yet I claim to be Dominant. Well nobody is completely Dominant. We can only dominate through the very act of submitting to something.
So NO bitch, don't go getting your pants all knotted up thinking you got it. I don't need or want to be controlled by any MAN ever again. If that day ever comes just shoot me. Literally put me out of my misery- I am giving you permission. If that ever happens lock me up and throw away the fucking key because I have lost my mind. No, I need to be controlled by something bigger, something that challenges me to become more powerful. It's basically a need for more strength by way of feeding from something stronger or possibly even much weaker. Get it?
But this 'thing' has to be proven for me to buy into it. I guess that would eliminate religion huh? No proof of anything there. End of story.
Know where I am going with this yet? It gets tricky so I will lose some of you. But those that follow will be good to go. When I see myself in the future I see myself in a Superior position. I see an intelligent man that could flip but won't. He has come from the same path and chooses freely to be this way for me only. He gives me his strength by way of total submission. I see a higher level being reached. Like in the cartoons where the evil guy sucks the power from the good guy to make this incredible thing that controls the entire universe! Well I can't control the universe now can I... but I can take him over with his help.
See, everyone has their way of being in a relationship. I speak of private, intimate relations, of course. I am one that enjoys total domination and not in the traditional sense either. I don't need to beat him every day or humilate him in front of my friends. That is for silly, simple bitches. We can go as far into this as we want to, but the idea is that he serves. He serves every day of his life. What does that mean? He cooks and cleans? Ok, sounds good, but sounds more like a servant to me.
When I think of a man serving, I think of his entire existence surrounding around my needs. Any true subs (not many out there, but they do live) write me back on this please. Where are you? He lives to be there. To love and support. He can be explained best by associating him with a 'pet.' He is the puppy dog that waits anxiously for a pat or scratch on the head. He is always there, waiting for attention. He lives and breathes me. Now I know a lot of you are reading this and thinking, "What kind of dream world is she on," or "What planet did she come from." That is because you are clueless and ignorant. I want you to know that there are men just like this out there, and there are women who want one. It is HARDER than ever to match up because most are in hiding. Or they are shy or embarassed by their feelings of needing to be owned or controlled.
Don't be so shallow in your thinking that your ways of relating are the only kind. No, that's just all you know. That's all you have experienced- that doesn't mean others don't exist. What you know is the most standard, publicized cookie cutter shit. It's what society or your Religious teachings program you to think is correct and so you follow- like everyone else. So let me ask you, how is that working for ya? How is that divorce going? How is that white-pickett fence now? Have you cheated yet? What is this, your 2nd, 3rd marriage? I am trying not to put these ways down, but it seems that maybe what we are doing now isn't working? Maybe if there was a more established control center things would be in order. Look at the Oriental culture- the man is in charge, the woman is submissive to him, she obeys and all works well! What the Hell! Get a fucking hint.
So I think for any relationship to work, there needs to be a leader. I just so happen to think Women should lead. Fine if you think otherwise. With men in this country we are in trouble. Big trouble, so I say we do something else. Ok never going to happen in my lifetime anyway but in my personal life it WILL.
This type of bond between two people(D/s) is DEEP, much too deep for most to comprehend. I don't expect a bunch of emails in agreement.
My thoughts on this topic have become more evident, but still need clarification, as the years go by. I have been fascinated by this since I can remember as a child; since I started questioning why I loved hitting boys. Never really cared about the sexual things, just liked abusing them on both ends- verbal and physical, and that alone got me off as a teen. Still does to this day. But I have realized that beating and physical/mental abuse is not what it is all about. It is not necessary and not always connected with establishing control and respect. That was the easy way- the immature, unknowing way... most times it does not yield the desired outcome as I once thought.
It was after spotting a book in the store that detailed and described strong women that I caught on. It was like a revelation for me. I was totally engulfed and captured by what I was reading, I sat on the couch in the bookstore and read for an hour. I then purchased the book and read all of it when I got home that night. That was sit for me. I knew it was more than just curiosity when I began doing actual research on it. I began to read more and more- I couldn't get enough it seemed, as I continued to learn about myself in so many ways. There was no book or article that could describe me entirely, but there were many that came close. Made me feel secure knowing there were others like me or there wouldn't be books and things out there to read on it, even though I still felt somewhat alone with my feelings. To learn that these feelings are REAL and not just fantasy is something else. I often think of it as finding out you're gay or something along those lines. When you finally realize your sexual preferences are a bit altered, it is an eye-opener for sure.
Well I think that's it for now. I just keep digging every day to find more and more about who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be.
Ever ask yourself where you will be in 5-10 years? I do that all the time. And each time it's different except for one thing... one thing always stays the same every time I repeat that question to myself.
I see myself happy. I see myself doing the things I love and feeling good about what I have accomplished. I see a good relationship with my daughter. I see my strength being 10 fold. And I don't mean my physical strength, because that will naturally decline as the aging process kicks in. I see myself enjoying all the things life has to offer. I see myself surrounded with good, honest people. I try to see those things being secure and consistent in years to come, but sometimes they fluctuate.. sometimes they are exactly the opposite. I see my daughter hating me and I see myself alone. My career often changes, my physique flips around when I envision the future, my family changes (do I want more kids, can I have more kids, will I be married?) My financial future is uncertain, my home may change (need a change of seasons dammit, can't live in Fla forever, I NEED snow sometimes!) Lots of uncertainties and I am ok with that, but one thing that never changes in my mind is the need to be involved in something that is more powerful than anything I can control.
Right now for me it is bodybuilding. I can't control it- not yet. I have not found the right combination to get all the results I NEED. Nope. Close, but not yet. Before bodybuilding it was the Army. I needed the Army. It was above me, it controlled me. I had to comform and I had to obey. It gave me the discipline I needed. Sort of like we all have to obey laws and what not in order to stay out of trouble/jail, the Army was that for me- a safe place.
Before the Army it was an older man. A man I thought ruled the world. He was my owner in a sense, and the source of much of the hatred I carry to this day. Amazing how we get trapped into thinking any human can actually control us, but guess what... he did control me. To no end. And guess what? I actually enjoyed it. I needed it. Every day.
Drugs have controlled me, food has controlled me. I have been beaten down many times and I always get back up. I am a fighter. I have been on the losing end of so many battles- and THIS is why I crave authority.
Funny how it works huh? I have this desire to be controlled... yet I claim to be Dominant. Well nobody is completely Dominant. We can only dominate through the very act of submitting to something.
So NO bitch, don't go getting your pants all knotted up thinking you got it. I don't need or want to be controlled by any MAN ever again. If that day ever comes just shoot me. Literally put me out of my misery- I am giving you permission. If that ever happens lock me up and throw away the fucking key because I have lost my mind. No, I need to be controlled by something bigger, something that challenges me to become more powerful. It's basically a need for more strength by way of feeding from something stronger or possibly even much weaker. Get it?
But this 'thing' has to be proven for me to buy into it. I guess that would eliminate religion huh? No proof of anything there. End of story.
Know where I am going with this yet? It gets tricky so I will lose some of you. But those that follow will be good to go. When I see myself in the future I see myself in a Superior position. I see an intelligent man that could flip but won't. He has come from the same path and chooses freely to be this way for me only. He gives me his strength by way of total submission. I see a higher level being reached. Like in the cartoons where the evil guy sucks the power from the good guy to make this incredible thing that controls the entire universe! Well I can't control the universe now can I... but I can take him over with his help.
See, everyone has their way of being in a relationship. I speak of private, intimate relations, of course. I am one that enjoys total domination and not in the traditional sense either. I don't need to beat him every day or humilate him in front of my friends. That is for silly, simple bitches. We can go as far into this as we want to, but the idea is that he serves. He serves every day of his life. What does that mean? He cooks and cleans? Ok, sounds good, but sounds more like a servant to me.
When I think of a man serving, I think of his entire existence surrounding around my needs. Any true subs (not many out there, but they do live) write me back on this please. Where are you? He lives to be there. To love and support. He can be explained best by associating him with a 'pet.' He is the puppy dog that waits anxiously for a pat or scratch on the head. He is always there, waiting for attention. He lives and breathes me. Now I know a lot of you are reading this and thinking, "What kind of dream world is she on," or "What planet did she come from." That is because you are clueless and ignorant. I want you to know that there are men just like this out there, and there are women who want one. It is HARDER than ever to match up because most are in hiding. Or they are shy or embarassed by their feelings of needing to be owned or controlled.
Don't be so shallow in your thinking that your ways of relating are the only kind. No, that's just all you know. That's all you have experienced- that doesn't mean others don't exist. What you know is the most standard, publicized cookie cutter shit. It's what society or your Religious teachings program you to think is correct and so you follow- like everyone else. So let me ask you, how is that working for ya? How is that divorce going? How is that white-pickett fence now? Have you cheated yet? What is this, your 2nd, 3rd marriage? I am trying not to put these ways down, but it seems that maybe what we are doing now isn't working? Maybe if there was a more established control center things would be in order. Look at the Oriental culture- the man is in charge, the woman is submissive to him, she obeys and all works well! What the Hell! Get a fucking hint.
So I think for any relationship to work, there needs to be a leader. I just so happen to think Women should lead. Fine if you think otherwise. With men in this country we are in trouble. Big trouble, so I say we do something else. Ok never going to happen in my lifetime anyway but in my personal life it WILL.
This type of bond between two people(D/s) is DEEP, much too deep for most to comprehend. I don't expect a bunch of emails in agreement.
My thoughts on this topic have become more evident, but still need clarification, as the years go by. I have been fascinated by this since I can remember as a child; since I started questioning why I loved hitting boys. Never really cared about the sexual things, just liked abusing them on both ends- verbal and physical, and that alone got me off as a teen. Still does to this day. But I have realized that beating and physical/mental abuse is not what it is all about. It is not necessary and not always connected with establishing control and respect. That was the easy way- the immature, unknowing way... most times it does not yield the desired outcome as I once thought.
It was after spotting a book in the store that detailed and described strong women that I caught on. It was like a revelation for me. I was totally engulfed and captured by what I was reading, I sat on the couch in the bookstore and read for an hour. I then purchased the book and read all of it when I got home that night. That was sit for me. I knew it was more than just curiosity when I began doing actual research on it. I began to read more and more- I couldn't get enough it seemed, as I continued to learn about myself in so many ways. There was no book or article that could describe me entirely, but there were many that came close. Made me feel secure knowing there were others like me or there wouldn't be books and things out there to read on it, even though I still felt somewhat alone with my feelings. To learn that these feelings are REAL and not just fantasy is something else. I often think of it as finding out you're gay or something along those lines. When you finally realize your sexual preferences are a bit altered, it is an eye-opener for sure.
Well I think that's it for now. I just keep digging every day to find more and more about who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Halloween
Had a ton of fun last night with my daughter. LOVE... L O V E, love dressing my daughter up for Halloween. I use this night to be creative and dress her up like she's my doll! It's the night I can totally get away with putting make up on her, coloring and hairspraying her hair and not be considered a loser mom (not like I care what people think anyway). I died my hair purple and pink and did a fine job, I will admit. Why? Because I had just spent $150 at a salon to get it those two colors and got shit instead (check the very last photo when I was eating a spoonful of rice, do you see the pink? Hardly. And where's the fucking purple in that hair?) So, like they always say, when you want something done right, you do it yourself.
Alli and I dressed as rock stars or punk rockers or whatever the hell you want to call us. The look I was going for Alli was Madonna- don't know if I succeeded or not, but that was the idea anyway. We went through our own neighborhood- that was sort of weird because I have never bothered to meet any one of my neighbors and the first time I do it's asking for fucking CANDY! haha. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... GIVE ME CANDY! We hit some other neighborhoods too, but ours was the best.
The first impression they get of me is one of a painted muscle chick, making my daughter run next to the vehicle (for her daily exercise) as I drive from door to door! Nah, not what you think. I did actually get out of the car and go to some of the doors with her, but not all of them! I was wearing these boots, high-heeled, and they were killing my feet. She was wearing sneakers and literally ran from one door to another. I couldn't keep up even if I wanted to. So suffice to say I didn't get as much candy as I had hoped, but I really don't need it anyway.
I met almost all the neighbors but tried not to be too friendly so I don't have to converse with them on a daily basis. No time for that bullshit. I can't stand nosy neighbors... I stay to myself.
So we had a good time doing that. Lots of kids out, and I was surprised to see so many DADS involved this year. Normally I only see the moms going door to door, but this year DADS were taking the kids. Yeah, good to see the guys stepping up. It really is a fun opportunity and great quality time with your child. Well, I try to embrace every daily activity as a chance to get closer to my daughter, really. Like brushing teeth. You know, just looking at each other with foam all hanging off your lips.... what a way to laugh first thing in the morning or last thing before bed, huh?
And driving to school... a great way to show Allison how not to get behind the old people going to Denny's for breakfast. WHY God, why? Why do these old people have to be such idiots? The answer is because they can. It's like they LIVE to get us working people mad. I could be 2 hours hours early and get behind some old idiot and they can make me late. And they know what they are doing too- sneering at me with their thin little white lips as I drive past. It's ok, I know how to get them back now though. I have made my own game up, just for them. I get in front of them as soon as I can safely do so. Then I drive even slower then they were, so they can feel the impact of my slow, dragging vehicle. This makes them angry as I tease and taunt them to want to drive faster. I control the speed at which they go now. Amazing how it works, they begin to drive faster! And that is how I know they do it for spite.
As a mom, I have to be creative in finding ways to spend time with my daughter without always having to go somewhere or spend tons of money. If I color with her I can see what colors she likes to work with. If we do yard work I can teach her things- like how to get dirty and not care, and how to get me a drink when I am dehydrated! haha. She is so good at taking notes and seeing when she can help. When we go grocery shopping I teach her about money and finding the product with the better price, or how to read labels and nutrition facts. I also teach her how to respond to people like the little old lady in the bakery who loves to talk about all the cookies she bakes-- the never-ending conversation, but we love her and we need our cookies, so we have to visit her!
If we are exercising, I teach her how to breathe and how to move her body correctly and in proper alignment. In public, I try to stress the importance of being respectful and how to always show good manners. How to speak to adults and answer questions, but also show care and concern and ask questions too, especially when it someone we see frequently. I also show her places and people to stay away from. We carry ourselves with dignity, and yes, it is almost always an obstacle when people stare at me. BUT, both Allison and I (mostly I) have come a long way and have learned how to handle almost everyone. I tell her to be herself and love who she is. She knows how to react, respond or ignore when someone says something negative.
I believe overall I am being the mother I need to be for my daughter. I coach, I love, I train and teach, I respect and discipline her... we are friends, but she also knows there is a line she doesn't cross. No make up, no shaving her legs until she downright resembles a monkey (or unless EVERY SINGLE other girl in school is doing it), and even then I would have to show up and check their legs out first. I wouldn't want her to be the monkey of the school... she will not get picked on or bullied because I will be right there showing my temper (or muscle, whichever I choose). She will be strong enough to handle her life and make solid choices and defend herself. Her grades will be excellent, even if that means taking her out of extra-cirricular activities. Her softball will become non-existent if the games and practices start preventing her from focusing on school and homework. I don't care. This silly softball isn't going to make her smarter, or help her land in some top notch career. Look at me for a good example. I do what I love but I don't make killer money like I could if I had focused more in school.
I just don't agree with all the pressure put on kids- the time and money spent on young kids and their sports or hobbies. Yes, it's fun and whatever, but when they get to middle & high school, learning is priority. This spending 3-5 nights a week at practices, games every week and weekends, sporadic meetings and fundraisers for the team, etc.. It's nonsense. What is more important? I have told Allison she can stay involved as long as she can BALANCE. If she can get good grades and by that I mean all A's and ONE "B" (haha, that B would be in math, if she takes after me at all). Then she deserves to pursue her extra stuff. Hear that? It's called EXTRA stuff. It's the stuff you do when everything else is taken care of and managed properly.
Anyway, we went grocery shopping after our trick or treating, then to dinner. Made some funny faces at people, got home, took a bubble bath with candles and soft music (she surprised me with that) and called it a night.
I have posted some pics from the past few weeks. Don't be shy, stay in touch freakies.
X OUT,
TJ
Alli and I dressed as rock stars or punk rockers or whatever the hell you want to call us. The look I was going for Alli was Madonna- don't know if I succeeded or not, but that was the idea anyway. We went through our own neighborhood- that was sort of weird because I have never bothered to meet any one of my neighbors and the first time I do it's asking for fucking CANDY! haha. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... GIVE ME CANDY! We hit some other neighborhoods too, but ours was the best.
The first impression they get of me is one of a painted muscle chick, making my daughter run next to the vehicle (for her daily exercise) as I drive from door to door! Nah, not what you think. I did actually get out of the car and go to some of the doors with her, but not all of them! I was wearing these boots, high-heeled, and they were killing my feet. She was wearing sneakers and literally ran from one door to another. I couldn't keep up even if I wanted to. So suffice to say I didn't get as much candy as I had hoped, but I really don't need it anyway.
I met almost all the neighbors but tried not to be too friendly so I don't have to converse with them on a daily basis. No time for that bullshit. I can't stand nosy neighbors... I stay to myself.
So we had a good time doing that. Lots of kids out, and I was surprised to see so many DADS involved this year. Normally I only see the moms going door to door, but this year DADS were taking the kids. Yeah, good to see the guys stepping up. It really is a fun opportunity and great quality time with your child. Well, I try to embrace every daily activity as a chance to get closer to my daughter, really. Like brushing teeth. You know, just looking at each other with foam all hanging off your lips.... what a way to laugh first thing in the morning or last thing before bed, huh?
And driving to school... a great way to show Allison how not to get behind the old people going to Denny's for breakfast. WHY God, why? Why do these old people have to be such idiots? The answer is because they can. It's like they LIVE to get us working people mad. I could be 2 hours hours early and get behind some old idiot and they can make me late. And they know what they are doing too- sneering at me with their thin little white lips as I drive past. It's ok, I know how to get them back now though. I have made my own game up, just for them. I get in front of them as soon as I can safely do so. Then I drive even slower then they were, so they can feel the impact of my slow, dragging vehicle. This makes them angry as I tease and taunt them to want to drive faster. I control the speed at which they go now. Amazing how it works, they begin to drive faster! And that is how I know they do it for spite.
As a mom, I have to be creative in finding ways to spend time with my daughter without always having to go somewhere or spend tons of money. If I color with her I can see what colors she likes to work with. If we do yard work I can teach her things- like how to get dirty and not care, and how to get me a drink when I am dehydrated! haha. She is so good at taking notes and seeing when she can help. When we go grocery shopping I teach her about money and finding the product with the better price, or how to read labels and nutrition facts. I also teach her how to respond to people like the little old lady in the bakery who loves to talk about all the cookies she bakes-- the never-ending conversation, but we love her and we need our cookies, so we have to visit her!
If we are exercising, I teach her how to breathe and how to move her body correctly and in proper alignment. In public, I try to stress the importance of being respectful and how to always show good manners. How to speak to adults and answer questions, but also show care and concern and ask questions too, especially when it someone we see frequently. I also show her places and people to stay away from. We carry ourselves with dignity, and yes, it is almost always an obstacle when people stare at me. BUT, both Allison and I (mostly I) have come a long way and have learned how to handle almost everyone. I tell her to be herself and love who she is. She knows how to react, respond or ignore when someone says something negative.
I believe overall I am being the mother I need to be for my daughter. I coach, I love, I train and teach, I respect and discipline her... we are friends, but she also knows there is a line she doesn't cross. No make up, no shaving her legs until she downright resembles a monkey (or unless EVERY SINGLE other girl in school is doing it), and even then I would have to show up and check their legs out first. I wouldn't want her to be the monkey of the school... she will not get picked on or bullied because I will be right there showing my temper (or muscle, whichever I choose). She will be strong enough to handle her life and make solid choices and defend herself. Her grades will be excellent, even if that means taking her out of extra-cirricular activities. Her softball will become non-existent if the games and practices start preventing her from focusing on school and homework. I don't care. This silly softball isn't going to make her smarter, or help her land in some top notch career. Look at me for a good example. I do what I love but I don't make killer money like I could if I had focused more in school.
I just don't agree with all the pressure put on kids- the time and money spent on young kids and their sports or hobbies. Yes, it's fun and whatever, but when they get to middle & high school, learning is priority. This spending 3-5 nights a week at practices, games every week and weekends, sporadic meetings and fundraisers for the team, etc.. It's nonsense. What is more important? I have told Allison she can stay involved as long as she can BALANCE. If she can get good grades and by that I mean all A's and ONE "B" (haha, that B would be in math, if she takes after me at all). Then she deserves to pursue her extra stuff. Hear that? It's called EXTRA stuff. It's the stuff you do when everything else is taken care of and managed properly.
Anyway, we went grocery shopping after our trick or treating, then to dinner. Made some funny faces at people, got home, took a bubble bath with candles and soft music (she surprised me with that) and called it a night.
I have posted some pics from the past few weeks. Don't be shy, stay in touch freakies.
X OUT,
TJ
Monday, October 26, 2009
Video- Cardio
This video was taken BEFORE I decided not to compete! My approximate weight was 165-170lbs.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Dad- 4 Years Later
Today while at work I felt a piercing pain right through my heart. It felt like an anxiety attack or a spike in my heart rate- don't know how to explain it, but it was enough to make me stop what I was doing and consider the source. I was in a room full of people when I started thinking of my Father again. Don't know what brought it up at that exact moment, but it went in that order. Pain and then thoughts of my Father. Usually it's the other way around... very odd. I felt my eyes swell up with tears and made a visit to the restroom to clear it away before anyone could notice.
It just happens to me a lot... where I just stop and think about him. There really never is a rhyme or reason. Doesn't have to be a song I hear or something that sparks a memory, I just 'go there' and have no control over it. I never spend too much time on it but chalk it up as the common flash of passing thoughts. It's almost as if it has become a part of my daily routine actually. Of all the things my mind has to think about through the course of one day, my Father is always among them.
Today though, I could not understand how the pain came before the thoughts even entered my mind. Pain, anxiety and excitement in my heart. But then as I was doing my computer work here at the house I glanced at the little clock/date box in the corner of the screen and realized today is his birthday. I searched back for old times sake in my journal here to (4) October's ago, a 2005 entry and it about broke my heart. It was before he had passed. I wrote in that entry about how I had lost contact with him, how I was holding a grudge that I just couldn't let go of, and how I still loved and missed him. Man, talk about breaking down.
I have searched everywhere for a picture to post of my father here, for myself not for you, and it is hopeless. All my photos are lost or packed away in storage. I did manage to find a photo frame with one of the last photos of my father and my daughter (as a newborn). My Father did get to see my daughter at the hospital when she was born. I am so glad. He got to spend a little time with her as a baby before I moved back to Germany with my husband, for this I am grateful. From there out my relationships, my job, my daughter, my life, my everything changed and from there, it seems, I lost my Father.
I don't care how many times I have to say it, I love you Dad. And I miss you terribly. I wish I could take it all back and start again. I wish I had a second chance. I keep waiting for the haunting to leave me alone, but it only seems to get worse. I don't believe in ghosts, but I have been scared of my Father's for so long now. I used to think he was my angel, guiding me, but now I feel as if these memories that come to visit are like little knives being thrown at me instead of tools to help me cope. Maybe I am not getting answers because I am still looking for ways to let go instead of ways to embrace my past.
Do you let go of your past by ignoring it? Tried doing this- can't beat my own mind though. Do you forget your past and focus on the future? Thought I was doing this... but can't forget where I come from. Do you confront it and learn from it? I have definitely learned from it- confronting it though, would take confronting certain people, and I am not sure I am ready to open that door. Or do you embrace it, cherish it and use it to guide you? I think this is just a way of making myself feel better. If I embrace my faults and admit I was wrong, so what? Does that mean that everything should be all good now? I can rest assured that I am cleansed and free? There should be no lingering guilt? Impossible. I do cherish certain memories before the guilt sets in, and the lessons I have learned are guiding me tooooooooo......... what? Not do the same thing again? Well fuck, I can't do the same thing again because my Father is gone! So now what? Learn from it so I can not make the same mistakes again in similar situations? Ok, I get it.
Life is so complicated when you allow yourself to think about it too much. I wish I could be like those people (you all are probably who I am referring to) that are nice and relaxed and comfortable, and can allow things to come and go. I have always analyzed every little thing. Every emotion, every response, every answer... why, why, why. My mother used to say that I asked too many questions as a child. I remember telling her that I would always ask questions, that it was not "just a phase" I was going through. So, how about today Mom, am I any different?
Love you Dad. I always will. I think of you every day.
It just happens to me a lot... where I just stop and think about him. There really never is a rhyme or reason. Doesn't have to be a song I hear or something that sparks a memory, I just 'go there' and have no control over it. I never spend too much time on it but chalk it up as the common flash of passing thoughts. It's almost as if it has become a part of my daily routine actually. Of all the things my mind has to think about through the course of one day, my Father is always among them.
Today though, I could not understand how the pain came before the thoughts even entered my mind. Pain, anxiety and excitement in my heart. But then as I was doing my computer work here at the house I glanced at the little clock/date box in the corner of the screen and realized today is his birthday. I searched back for old times sake in my journal here to (4) October's ago, a 2005 entry and it about broke my heart. It was before he had passed. I wrote in that entry about how I had lost contact with him, how I was holding a grudge that I just couldn't let go of, and how I still loved and missed him. Man, talk about breaking down.
I have searched everywhere for a picture to post of my father here, for myself not for you, and it is hopeless. All my photos are lost or packed away in storage. I did manage to find a photo frame with one of the last photos of my father and my daughter (as a newborn). My Father did get to see my daughter at the hospital when she was born. I am so glad. He got to spend a little time with her as a baby before I moved back to Germany with my husband, for this I am grateful. From there out my relationships, my job, my daughter, my life, my everything changed and from there, it seems, I lost my Father.
I don't care how many times I have to say it, I love you Dad. And I miss you terribly. I wish I could take it all back and start again. I wish I had a second chance. I keep waiting for the haunting to leave me alone, but it only seems to get worse. I don't believe in ghosts, but I have been scared of my Father's for so long now. I used to think he was my angel, guiding me, but now I feel as if these memories that come to visit are like little knives being thrown at me instead of tools to help me cope. Maybe I am not getting answers because I am still looking for ways to let go instead of ways to embrace my past.
Do you let go of your past by ignoring it? Tried doing this- can't beat my own mind though. Do you forget your past and focus on the future? Thought I was doing this... but can't forget where I come from. Do you confront it and learn from it? I have definitely learned from it- confronting it though, would take confronting certain people, and I am not sure I am ready to open that door. Or do you embrace it, cherish it and use it to guide you? I think this is just a way of making myself feel better. If I embrace my faults and admit I was wrong, so what? Does that mean that everything should be all good now? I can rest assured that I am cleansed and free? There should be no lingering guilt? Impossible. I do cherish certain memories before the guilt sets in, and the lessons I have learned are guiding me tooooooooo......... what? Not do the same thing again? Well fuck, I can't do the same thing again because my Father is gone! So now what? Learn from it so I can not make the same mistakes again in similar situations? Ok, I get it.
Life is so complicated when you allow yourself to think about it too much. I wish I could be like those people (you all are probably who I am referring to) that are nice and relaxed and comfortable, and can allow things to come and go. I have always analyzed every little thing. Every emotion, every response, every answer... why, why, why. My mother used to say that I asked too many questions as a child. I remember telling her that I would always ask questions, that it was not "just a phase" I was going through. So, how about today Mom, am I any different?
Love you Dad. I always will. I think of you every day.
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