Journal of Thoughts

Song and Photo Update

2012-02-09T14:36:00.003-05:00

February 2012. Love this song....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvYpcjb6Ngw

She hated knowing I was snapping photos of her with her mouth open. Oh well.

Friends.

In Pittsburgh. Went to Jared's. Yep, I think I am close.

Sitting in driveway texting.

Yeah, that's pretty much all she does. What you see is what you get.

Alli and my sister Jaime.

I believe she thinks she is muscular.

Looking small. 180-185lbs. After weeks of stressing over work and Mom I lost quite a bit of weight. But no worries, I am back on track.

The next "big" thing!!!

Mom and Jaime distracted.

Mom and Jaime focused.

STOP.

This was awesome. Yeah, Jaime got me as I was using the bathroom. I want to know for how long was she watching me before she took the pic. Pervert.

Mom and Alli. One of the simple pleasures in life, being with Mom. At Long John Silver's. She loves the fried clams.

Sisters. Do we look anything alike?

The "must-have" things to wear to school is Aeropostale. The trends just go in full circle. As kids we never had the money to shop at the mall. I never saw name brand clothes in my childhood.

I love Alli kisses. And no, I did not stage this kiss. haha! My daughter gives me kisses all the time and I love that she does. It means we are close.

And here she gives love to the cat. Hey, maybe I am not so special!

Sleepy girl. One day she will see that I snapped this one and be mad at me, but for now I got away with it.

Notice a furry cat head anywhere in the picture? Two ears? These two girls are inseparable.

I know I am super late posting these xmas pics. So what? Live life first, then post pics of it.

Carmen and Alli. Alli is into bright eye shadow now.

Wearing my super cool glasses huh? Super cool. (Megamind)

Starbucks in the mall. These shoes were customized by Alli herself.

Caught texting again.

Shannon Ditmer coaching Helene through her posing.

Damn I'm big. Yeah, I said it.

Spoiled.

Peeping Sasha.

Heading to park.

200 lbs.

I said I was back on track! (actually I never really got too far off) Just fast forward a bit.

Is it true what they say about dogs and their owners? Do they look alike?

I don't know what this pic was for but figured I would post in case I ever wanted to see what the back of my head looks like when driving in the sun... time for hair appointment.

Playing catch on Alli's net.

Cleaning house.

What a life. Sleep, eat, and play Monopoly.

Practicing the mean face. Actually I was discussing facial features and how they change during the supplementation and bodybuilding process, then mix that with aging. If you already have strong facial features to begin with then... It was a pretty deep discussion that wound up going to the computer for further research. It's ok, I have a game plan.

Missed Writing

2012-02-02T17:11:00.004-05:00

Hi guys! I have so missed writing my thoughts here. Glad to finally be able to do so. Competition is over and I have been playing catch up for some time now, but able to breathe a little now and it feels good. I feel great, I have energy, I am strong as shit in the gym again, and I am relaxed and recovering well. My body is nice and full, of course, after eating and not doing so much cardio. The best thing though, is that I can sleep soundly now, with less worry and stress. I can fall asleep right away and stay asleep all night rather than being eye balls wide open staring at the ceiling (which I can't even see in the dark) being hungry and restless, hot then cold, peeing every 15 minutes from all the water consumed, with my brain going a hundred miles a minute thinking of everything, being so beat up, cramping, etc, etc. The list really does go on and on. I am hoping eventually I will stop being such a big baby, whining and crying over how uncomfortable it is dieting for a show, and just go with the flow, realizing I made the choice and it is what it is. I guess I am just hoping it will get easier- never seems to though, always seems to get harder. Maybe one day instead of complaining I will just give it up, huh? That seems like the more logical decision. I always say if you're not willing to change it, then you just gotta accept it. Stop bitching and deal with it or make a change.

Anyway, I now have more time and energy to spend with my daughter, and nothing compares to that.
I am trying to stay leaner this off season, not 100% so far but I am on a mission. I gotta not get so fat in the off so I don't have to kill myself at prep time. I have to stay within a certain range, within some guidelines. So this means I have to eat clean foods, not junk garbage as I have done in the past. I realize that many people believe they have to eat either super clean or really dirty to put on size, but I believe you just need balance. Have some things you enjoy every now and then (not every day, all day) but be consistent with the healthy, clean foods most of the time- basically just try not to go overboard with anything. Gotta live a little, but too much of anything will kill ya! So to put size on, which I tend to do rather nicely, I will be mixing foods. This is my plan- don't know what I mean, you don't need to- it's my secret weapon so watch out. Back to basics, we all know we gotta eat the same friggin foods day in and day out, but I also know the body responds to change. So how about taking those same foods and mixing them with others to create difference... like my all time favorite: protein powder and ice cream! haha! Got ya! Or lean ground beef in a nice chili setting? A steak pasta bowl, tilapia and egg white omelet? Grilled chicken wrap? Tuna fish bagel? Portabella with ln gr beef and ff cheese? I know, I know... most top pros would say HELL NO! I just feel that your body has to plateau at some point off those same foods and to stimulate growth cheat meals need to be incorporated. As you can see from my list, my idea of cheats aren't that bad. We're not talking snickers bars and gummy bears like in days past- although I would argue that they were tasty and perfect items to dance around in my head as I dreamt. Instead of counting sheep I counted the gummie bears instead. It did work.
All I am doing is just mixing foods together. No harm done right? A little brown fat never hurt me. Maybe I wanna be a fatty when I grow up! Adding some new items to the same old same old. But I will say I also agree with going completely off the menu at times too. Denny's is complete shit food right? Yeah. My life calls for Denny's at least once a year and I respond to that call. I don't make it a habit, but the day I can't enjoy something other than a piece of white fish and greens is the day I gotta let it go.
Balance. Variety. Consistency. Some people would argue that we need to keep the body level, eating the same foods at the same times every single day. I get it. I mean you gotta know what's working right? How best to do that but by keeping it consistent? Or we could just call Iris Kyle and I bet she could just tell us how our body responds- cut through all the red tape and go right to the source. But then do we apply this same principle to our every day activities too? That would mean a very boring life, wouldn't it? How would we make great gains keeping the same routine? How do we get faster if we don't push harder, change the pace? How do we overcome plateaus if we don't change something? How do we get different results if we do the same things? How do we get stronger if we lift the same amount of weight? I say we change one thing and leave the rest the same. Change the training, keep the diet the same for a period of time, then reverse it- keep the training consistent and move the diet around. Seems to work. It's similiar to how I go about raising and entertaining my daughter. Some days we have routine (Sun-Thurs are school nights) so she knows what to expect and what is expected of her. She has responsibilities: staying home, getting homework done, resting and recovering, waking up and going to bed at certain times, making and eating nutritious meals, limited amounts of tv, games and computer/ iPad, etc.. This creates an appropriate environment for optimal school performance. Then other times (weekends, holidays) I make sure she gets out of the house, she can choose where we go- we eat different foods,we do different things, and we are not bound by any time restraints or limiting schedules. All of this creates structure, promotes responsibility, offers a healthy variety, allows creativity, freedom and prevents boredom... it's about finding balance. Anyway, I can't imagine not living this way. It's hard enough to be so sheltered and alone for a few months while prepping for a show. Year round would kill me. Even when I am old old old I am sure I will always be into something that doesn't require me to be chained down by the same old shit day in and day out. Marriage you say? hahaha! The day I marry a man that chains me down will be the day I sign my life away and officially admit to insanity.

So... variety? I promote it. Does this mean in our sexual lives we need it too? Well that's a little scary, but yes, I think so. No, not what you might be thinking though. I don't believe we should be married and sleep with other people. No. What I am saying is that within a relationship there needs to be different way to relate. So what I am suggesting is not inviting a"variety" of people into it, but things. Inviting things into the relationship such as assorted ways of connecting with each other- diversity in as many ways as possible; having sex in different places, in different ways, incorporating role reversal, pain mixed with pleasure... making him wear some lipstick and panties, dancing around the house, singing. Invite him to get fucked up the ass with a toy. I'm talking entertainment here. I don't know, maybe sometimes not even having sex but denying it and doing some weird yoga and meditation instead to build up the intensity for another time. I also believe in flirting with people outside the relationship to build intensity within it. Why not lead another on to get yourself off? What's wrong with that? No harm done. Especially to those nasty people that need to be used and abused a little because they have done it way too much to others to get off clean. What I particularly love is when a Woman looks at me in disgust with her husband standing right by her... when she tries to act above me. When she thinks that putting me down, laughing, criticizing, making jokes about me will get her somewhere or make him think more of her. I know, some guys like when their wives do the whole catty thing. They think it's sexy that two Women don't like each other and wanna see just how tough they are. I love it too, because I always win and she looks like a fat loser, and then he goes home and while he's fucking her he's thinking of me, and then later he jacks off without her there at all using me as his material. She thinks he would never go for a woman like me. In this case (even better if I know him) I enjoy flirting with him right in front of her just to prove that what she thinks of me doesn't really matter. I like to make her really think... make her wonder what he's doing, or what I'm doing when she's not with him. Could it be? That this woman she thinks is so disgusting, could actually have some influence on her man? Could he find this muscle attractive or fascinating in any way? Is there something to this? Could there ever be something? She shouldn't dismiss this female with muscle entirely, she shouldn't be writing me off so quickly. I mean after all, he did marry a fat gorilla, anything is better than that! hahaha! Anything different than that is a step up, a step in the right direction, if you ask me. And damn remember this, if the two of them have any difficulties, if there is any doubt, well then that leaves an open door and plenty of room for anyone to walk in. Everyone has a price, everyone has a kink, a fetish. What's his? You better hope it's only hairy gorillas! haha! Ok let me stop all this nonsense. I just like writing when I finally get around to it.

I have gotten over all the petty bullshit though. All it does is get me fired up and wanting to beat someone down, then I get thrown into the back of a cop car and ... well fuck all that. I am pretty smart about how I get even nowadays let's just put it that way. In my younger days (hahaha!) I just didn't care. I also didn't have a whole lot to lose. Now I have plenty and it's just not worth it. But just a thought... if a man is in the gym working out everyday, hanging out there, building his body, working and sweating day in and day out... doesn't that mean he likes to train? He likes the way he feels, likes the look? He enjoys the atmospehere, enjoys being healthy, taking care of himself? He might also then like to see the sights, looking around, maybe even conversing with some of the women in the gym also? And since he likes exercising and fitness, and he likes women, he might also like women that work out? And if he likes women that work out, maybe just maybe he might like hardcore women that work out? I'm just tyring to put this in a way for all to understand. It's a warning for those bitches that think their man doesn't like muscle on a woman. While you are doing what you do, getting fat and doing basically nothing with your life but raising his kids, he is out getting in shape and looking at all the women that you are not! hahaha! He is wishing you liked to workout, hoping you would get your fat ass in shape and stop thinking you are above those that do. I'm just saying. Ok, now I am really done.
And who does the whole "stay at home mom thing" now anyway? That shit is old news. That's like so 1900's! Who the hell really does that these days? All that's left are the lazy women doing that now. Most competent women are out getting an education, building a business or a career, learning from the past generations of women that got stuck with nothing when their man left them because they relied on him for everything and had nothing for themselves. Yeah, I know... there's still always the fact that you can screw him over if he does you wrong by taking all or half of his shit, right? Yeah, that's healthy. That's reassuring. That's real intelligent. Just sit and wait for the perfect time to cash in and liquidate everything. In this economy. Get a life. And really there is no excuse for those women who have grown ass kids in college to be sitting around at home doing nothing. No, you know what they do to keep themselves occupied and entertained? They go shopping, get hair and nails done, get plastic and cosmetic surgery, botox the hell out of their faces, play on facebook... they are SO bored they are staring at themselves thinking "shit, I look horrible!" They are finding wrinkles and sagging skin!! So the fix is surgery instead of the gym. god anything but a workout with sweat involved! You wanna know my opinion? I think the best way to get rid of wrinkles and stress lines and sagging skin? Just keep yourself busy with LIFE. You won't even notice them.
But let me get back to building muscle, the variety thing doesn't work too well when we are learning what does what, or if we want to keep things simple and straight forward, or if we want our bodies not to have to "guess" and duck and dodge constantly. But there are benefits to variety: the body needs different nutrients. We can't just expect the body to function at peak performance if we only give it restricted means to do so. Sure, I guess we will be ok when we are young and can supplement with pills and other shit right? Or at a time of youth when we are capable of much more, we are resilient and almost indestructible. Our bodies rejuvenate much more efficiently. The signals are all fresh. You can't tell me that most bodybuilders don't buy "insurance" to make those great gains. But let's talk about health, because I think we seem to lose focus on this issue when all we see is what's in the mirror, not the inner works of our bodies. The off season is a great time to get healthy after we beat ourselves up during contest time. A time to rest and recover, clean out, back off, let go a little and not consume ourselves with the rigors of this lifestyle. The obsessive nature we all experience during prep time doesn't have to be constant year round. We all know that we make great sacrifices when it comes to building our bodies for the stage. We sometimes slack in relationships, we have no time for anything extra. The diet is severely restricted, behaviors change, moods start swinging, body starts changing and so the mind follows. We become more mentally challenged and we meet those challenges with aggression and strength. We find ourselves in a battle with everything we are. We suddenly find ourselves face to face with everything in our past, everything we have done, all of our hard work, and we stand looking at our life asking, what's it all for? Many would say it's simple obsession. I mean we are completely self-absorbed, aren't we? Could be eating disorders, body dysmorphia, lack of self-esteem, abuse, neglect, I have heard it all.

Male bodybuilding is not as frowned upon as female bodybuilding. And speaking of this, I am glad I brought all this up. I have come to a grand conclusion. This discovery has been a long time coming. I knew it, but didn't want to admit to it, because I kept waiting, wanting, hoping I could prove it wrong. A classification. A generalization that deserved more time and consideartion. But NO. I have decided that female bodybuilders are idiots. They are stupid morons. Well all but me, that is!! You guys know right? I mean you interact with them enough, don't you? Please tell me you have concluded this too. Tell me I am not alone. The smarter ones are getting out and leaving all this behind, moving on with their lives. The "others" are half way intelligent, walking away from the drugs, but not the competitive scene (hence the half way rating they get) and are shifting over and transforming to meet yet another criteria for the "physique" division, but it's all basically the same, just a different set of rules. But overall, most female bodybuilders, I can safely conclude, are absolute idiots. They are clueless about anything other than the weight room. They have no idea how to relate to others, no idea how to care or give, they are totally consumed with themselves and their bodies. They don't take care of their kids or their families... that's if they even have those things. They have little or no education, no business sense, no common sense... a husband? Well only if he caters to her bodybuilding needs. Friends? Maybe. If they workout and are consumed with themselves the same way she is. Female bodybuilders are idiots. They complain when people are rude to them, then they complain when schmoes compliment them. They think their photos and "material" is so wonderfulthat they can't share it, they have to charge for it. Bitch not everyone wants to pay you to look at you. Those that like what they see and respect what you do and appreciate it will give to you. They will send donations and cash and sponsorships thise men will. The particular men that adore you will do anything for you. Let them come to you. It's not about quantity, it's about quality. I would rather have 5 sponsors that help me and truly care about me, then 200 asswipes that just want to jack off and pay me one time to look at a few pics. A one-time membership fee of $10.99 or a continued supporter, friend, and sponsor that loves you and takes care of you? A real hard decision. You have to be smarter to reap those benefits. I say to those FBB that think they are the shit... you might be the shit, to yourself, but not everybody thinks that way about you. Get a grip on reality, get out of your little bodybuilding fantasy world, the one that will crash on you here in a bit, and be real. Be good to people. This is the reason so many girls drop out- they have no clue how to handle themselves or others. They get way ahead of themselves and get out of control. They let shit go to their heads. They cannot function correctly in society because society has beat them up so badly. But fight the fight, adapt in some ways, overcome, learn, and create your own way. I think sometimes the schmoes don't realize how much they feed the ego's of FBB to the point that they go from being fans in the girls eyes to being their jokes in no time. Take your money and then make fun of you behind your back- that type. I was online a while back and ran across a FBB that has got to be the biggest asswipe ever and she has nothing to offer anyone. Ugghhh.

I'll tell you who I do like though... Tazzie Colomb. She is real. haha! What a hardcore mother .... she gets it done, seems to take good care of her fans, and work her ass off in many ways. For some reason she fascinates me because she is so real. I have watched her for years.

As of right now (anything can change of course), I do plan on doing the N. America competition again this year. Yeah, I am in my own classification of stupid female bodybuilders right now. I am a glutton for punishment, but when I want something I usually don't give up until I get it. I usually have to learn the hard way, then I gotta go back and make all the corrections later. I am very stubborn and most times even with all the warnings I proceed without caution. I still feel I can do it. Whether this pro status thing is the stupidest thing I have ever and will ever pursue or not, it is my dream. Nobody can tell me anything different right now. If I didn't think I could do it, I wouldn't try, most likely. There is a point where I will say goodbye to this thing called bodybuilding because there are more important things to be doing- plain and simple. But not yet. I am still young, still very passionate, still hungry and competitive, and I gotta get that look I have been after- the one that is leaner, fuller, harder with good size to accompany... the one that fills in my frame completely... the one that hopefully will get me a pro card. But even without the card, I need the look even just one time to feel completely satisfied enough to walk away and say good and done. There is plenty of time after my young competitive years are over (the rest of my life) to rest and get old and slow down and not intimidate men! I gotta do this NOW baby. I gotta make men all over the world angry and feel threatened by what Women can and will do- the things that stretch far beyond what most people think we can, way more than we typically "should" do I suppose. But what any man can do should be accompanied by what any Woman can do. We have taken the shit we have learned from men (our guinea pigs) and we made it our own product of which many would frown upon, but hey, that's ok.
It's ok to disagree. Nobody said that we expected things to be easy, that we would get a pat on the back or recruit the world to our ways of thinking and living. But that's probably the single most important reason as to why we do it! It is fun to challenge the world against all odds, it feels good to go beyond limits and expectations, it is daring and bold and crazy and freaky to prove that we see through the normal day to day grind. We don't care about normal business, it's about making waves for a little while. Shifting gears and shaking things up is exciting and stimulates all the senses. Everything we do is risky to an extent, but we tear old walls down and build new ones because we don't like old shit! There's so much to do! I personally don't need to relax, no I gotta push harder than ever. I gotta stay moving until I am ready to send the signal to my body and mind that I am ready to die!!!!! I won't stop what's in motion just for the sake of stopping. I gotta be loud and proud until I am ready to shut up. This is not all about bodybuilding- no, this goes far beyond it actually. While I am working on my body I am using the energy derived from building this powerhouse to fuel my other ambitions too. I am multi-tasking this life of mine. I got so many things cooking right now- I am on fire. So when the smoke clears and I say a final farewell, believe me when I say all the shit you didn't think I was doing will be DONE. Oh come on, you didn't really think I had this big mouth going without other shit to back it all up, did you? It's not just about this, it's about ALL the other shit I got working at the same time. You see, I am QUEEN of my domain! (haha, love Seinfeld). Nobody should talk as much smack as I do without having accomplished the real things in life. I am getting better and better each day, bigger and better, more and more, and YES, I have it ALL like that.
I have heard things said about me, yes I have. I have heard those that talk about the simple things that can be fixed as if that's all that can be done. Everything is fixable, by the way. Just takes a little time, some re-directing, consistency and some money... Simple minds are incapable of thinking beyond the obvious. It is obvious that if you do this, this will happen... and it has. Whoa! Rocket science huh? But if you do something that has absolutely nothing to do with the other thing, different things happen, the things that are not at all obvious. Things that most "ordinary people" would ever guess or see or think of.
On that note though, sad to say, unfortuntely I am slowing down. ahhhhhhhh, yes it's true. Naturally it is occuring even when I don't want it to. The old wheels in the head are turning and the angel and the devil are having it out. The angel, I am surprised to admit, has been winning and I don't even believe in them! How can that be? Nature is taking its course and no matter how hard I try to fight, it is winning the battle. By this I mean, I am taking a step back and thinking differently about so many things. When I think of competing now I think... why? When I walk past a bag of gummy worms I don't get that same warm and fuzzy feeling I used to get- the feeling where I want to go into sugar shock eating the whole bag just because. I actually feel stupid now when I eat a gummy worm! I never thought I would see this day. And my sister says I am trying to grow up too soon, but really? Come on, look at me. I am a grown ass Woman competing in the sport of bodybuilding. If that doesn't shout to the world that I am immature, I don't know what does!!!!! I notice lately that I would rather not run my shopping cart into people that give me looks. I am finding the feelings more of smiling instead of fighting it. Damn it sucks. I mean why fight a fat woman, end up in jail with all the consequences, when I can just smile at her as I secretly think of her eating 5 donuts and then sitting on the toilet for 19 minutes shitting them back out?! I guess it's because I am at a place now where I know who I am, I know what I have been through, who my friends are, what I have accomplished, what I am capable of doing. I have learned enough to know that everybody in this world has come from different places. Just the same as people look at me curious, wondering, staring, whispering, judging... I myself do the very same. If I see someone that catches my attention, I do the very same things.
But nothing can really bother me too much now because I have found peace within myself is I guess the best way I can explain it. Mistakes and all, I am who I am. I can change certain things (and I plan to when I am ready) but other things I cannot- it just comes with the territory. These are the things my parents gave me and I like knowing that they are a part of who I am. My Mother is in the hospital again, each time being more serious than the last, and when the day comes that she passes, I will be proud to carry with me the things she gave me. The experiences, the flaws, the good qualities I possess... all the memories that accompany the years I spent with my Mother and Father will become a shield against those that want to attack me.

I guess I'll use this entry to touch a little on each thing I want to discuss and then go deeper on future entries, since I am so far behind. What comes to mind now is FUCK! ha! I just had to say it, had to fit it in there somewhere. I screwed up Nationals big time, but it's water under the bridge. It has taken me since then to let it go and chill out about it, and move forward into bigger and better thoughts in my head. What do I want specifically? I want to look the way I looked at the N. America but bigger and drier, and as I mentioned above, with a more "filled in" physique. I weighed in at that show at 155. I want 160-165 next time around shredded. Then it won't matter about placing, I just want that look. I want it for my fucking photo album, so when my grandchildren don't believe me, I got it on record and I will be pulling that album out like every other freakin old person does, but with one exception- I won't bore the hell out of my family with it! My pics will no doubt have hilarious stories attached and the questions that are asked (why? why? why?) will surely keep things exciting for the rest of my life!
My grandmother was a show girl, and I used to sit amazed looking at her pictures as she told me and my sister stories of her youth. To me she was beautiful, but she told me how many people considered that profession and the look that went went with it to be trashy. It was the first time in my life I ever heard the words floozy, harlot, hooker, hussy, tramp!!! haha! She had heard them all. I thought WOW... how could something so beautiful be considered so wrong? I mean maybe some girls in that line of work did not represent themselves properly, but why were they all considered such horrible names? Surely they were not all whores! But that's what people do. They judge a book by it's cover, they classify, they label, and they create such false conclusions... the word conclusion meaning the end. The type of people that have decided to put a cap on any discussion, just close their minds on further options and toss their meaningless, uneducated opinions around at another's expense. Guess what? The world keeps moving anyway. You see the way the world changes day by day? What is considered wrong today is tomorrow's trend. I say choose your own travel, accept the differences in others, or just DIE, will ya? Go on, get outta here so we can welcome a new life that won't have all your nasty old ways of thinking, you're bringin' us all down mother fucker.
I'm trying to think of something I disagree with----------- ok, here's one: I do not agree with men or Women that cheat on their spouse. But I also understand that every situation is different and unique, and for me to say that it is wrong entirely for all married people, would be plain stupid. I know Women who have been left by their husbands, (he goes through mid-life crying, finds another Woman, gets bored, whatever), the guy won't giver her a divorce, she can't afford to go through the process and so she sits for years unhappily married while he travels the world, leaving her with kids to raise, a job and an education to get all by herself. Can she date? Is it wrong if she looks? Can she have a little fun? And for what it's worth, I am not so sure I agree with marriage to begin with! haha! Because I see so many go wrong, cheatings, divorces, murders (oh my!), maybe we are not meant to to tie ourselves down for life to one person?? I mean when you kill your spouse that's like the ultimate sign that something went wrong! Flag on that play. haha! I don't know, but marriage must be something good, and some people must be happy and benefit from that lifestyle, or marriage wouldn't have been created and wouldn't still exist today, right? I guess religion kind of forces some couples to stay together even if it's really over though, huh?

RISKS: As a competitive bodybuilder I am fully aware that I am taking risks and chances every year that goes by living this lifestyle. I have accepted this, and I go forward. I do not care for the opinions of others when it comes to this most sensitive, personal choice. Why should I? I mean everyone takes risks for something they care about or believe in, am I right? I do what I want to do, not what others think I should do. I do not do what most people do, I do not follow what is supposed to be. I usually look to those that stand out, those that are odd, the people that make their own way- I look to them for inspiration. With this bodybuilding thing I have secured lasting friendships, love, strength, confidence, self-motivation, financial security... and no, you don't know at all how I did so. I will one day disclose my story on it, of which you can pay to read. haha! Yes, I am rich, rich, rich beyond it's meaning. My life is full and so is my body. My mind is always challenged and forever young. I know many people like to get on the computer here and bash the muscle chicks, call us steroid abusers, freaks, men, and all sorts of nastiness, but guess what? We still keep on keeping on, don't we? Because I know everyone has their own opinions and is entitled to exactly that, I understand the negativity that surrounds the sport. I really do. I know the dangers of the sport, been there done that too. I know that when the risk to keep bodybuilding outweighs the risk it took to become one, it's time to back down or stop completely. Believe me or not, I have backed down a TON. I don't do a quarter of what I used to. Don't need to now.
I know that a lot of men cannot handle the Female being stronger or looking buff and chiseled- mainly because they can't do it for themselves, it rocks their core values, they don't find it attractive for a Woman, etc..I know that steroids play a role in what we do (you are not telling anybody anything they don't already know nerd fuck) and I know that things change when they are incorporated; you must know and I certainly know the issue is controversial, so shut the fuck up already. As Female bodybuilders we find value in what we do so we take these risks for them.
It's so funny when people try to point out the obvious, isn't it? But what's even funnier is how these hater-men always seem to find their way to our websites and pages. How the fuck does that happen? I mean I don't accidentally stumble across midget tranvestite crossdressers that ride donkeys unless I specifically type in a search engine to find them! Oh my, there they are. They don't just pop up on my screen unless I intentionally look for them. Technology nowadays is getting to where it can guess what our likes and dislikes are and suggest content for us by past browsing experiences, so that should tell you something. But why? If you hate us so much, if you really despise us, and you find us just so loathsome and hideous, why do you contact us, and write your opinions and comments under our pics? Why? Because deep down inside you fuck nut, you want it. It's quite entertaining for us you should know.
What is crystal clear is how men like to try and aggravate and insult us, so they come out bigger and better and win some sort of pretend battle they are fighting in their own head. It's like they have a swords fight or wrestling match vision going on upstairs, and when they are done they feel somehow satisfied and on top again, in a match they played pathetically all by themselves.They race with no opponents. We are superior because we don't do this in a fantasy world, in our imagination- we do it for real, right here in your face so you can experience it in living color. I say to these men, just create the real scene. I do enjoy hearing the comments and seeing the looks, because it gives me great opportunity to practice my voice. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But it all makes me who I am, what I say and what I don't say, how I feel, what you do, it's all meant to be, you know? I like making comments about others too, I think it's natural and healthy! I find that sometimes not saying anything at all is good enough. They see me, I am blantantly stronger, bigger, and more advanced... I am hard and hardened to it all. I don't need to say it or fight for it or about it, it's there for all to see. I am passionate about it, I believe in it and it shows. I prove everyday I don't care about what you say or think, and I won't change because I don't want to. Not yet. When I'm done mother fucker, not when you say it's over. We can go on and on but really it's called lifting heavy, calculated eating, and supplementation- heard of it? It's called having plenty of money to do whatever the fuck I want, haha! Whether or not you think it's natural (Mister I take Viagra and call a whore), I fucking did it with and without! It's green, green, and green, green light means go, I eat my green broccoli, and I got cash to buy it. Awwww you can't afford it, too lazy, don't have the time or the genetics? What you have is sorry excuses. If you don't like it, don't look. If you don't believe in it, fine. Just leave it alone. I don't believe any man should be making only 5 digit income unless he's in his 20's. Those days are over buddy. If you're so much better than me, PROVE IT.

55+: And this brings me to my next subject: Older men. You know why I like them? Because they have finally made it to the stage of their lives where they are not influenced by meaningless things anymore. And I can respect that. It actually turns me on a bit, it's attractive to me because I am waiting to get there myself. So you could say that I am greatly influenced by them.
I like how they don't care if they look nerdy or care about what everyone thinks about their "ride" or where they hang out (because they don't) or where they shop. All the name brand clothes, fashion trends, addictions, dating only certain "types" of women, flaunting their money, their muscles, their cars, material things... most older guys have gotten over all this. And by older I mean 50+. But really 50 is still pushing it for some men. Most older men don't feel the need to put others down anymore, they have accomplished things, they are successful, they are humbled by life and weathered storms that have put things into great perspective for them. Of course this is generally speaking. Some are still doing the bullshit. Some are still really far off, very old-fashioned, close-minded, set in their ways, ect. etc. It's like they went the other way- instead of becoming modernized they went back in time and got stuck. But it seems that the closer we all get to death, the more understanding and compassion and patience we practice. As we age health issues arise which make us appreciate what we used to have. People come in and go out of our lives, our children grow, our businesses take turns, our loved ones pass away, our relationships transition, locations shift, the body starts aging, we move around and things happen. Even though there is constant change, by age 55 the kinks should all be worked out, finances are secured, spending and budgeting, saving and investing is all in better harmony. By this age I think we are all mentally prepared and strong enough to handle most things that come our way. We are weathered veterans to pain and heartache- we have loved and lost and lost and won, and gained and here we are. So as I have said many times before I will be marrying a man in his 50's, balding, wrinkles and all. It's ok in my book.

NATURAL? So we hear so many things in the media about being natural. I don't think we as human beings have any clue about what is natural anymore. It's the most ridiculous thing.

Natural beauty could be defined in many ways depending on who you ask. I am always curious to hear and see what people believe to be natural beauty. Is it the exact location of a woman's eyes, nose and mouth in correlation with each other on her face? Is it a woman's complextion or her state of mind? Her essense? What is natural beauty? In every culture it is defined differently. I would love to see images of natural beauty presented by men. Everyone has time to share a little beauty, what is yours? What makes a woman naturally beautiful to you?

What is natural anyway? I think we have all lost what is truly natural and what is not in this day and time, haven't we? Is using the latest technology natural? It is natural to evolve right? Is having scheduled surgery on different parts of the human body natural? Is it natural to sleep with one partner or many? Is it natural to take sleep aids? Are prescribed medications natural? Are trees and the open fields and wild animals nature still, or is it the word "natural" printed on a product that we believe?

My daughter and I are planning our next mini vacation to Tennessee. I know it's nothing too great, but it doesn't have to be, it is special for us. We go there every year because that is where my Father took us girls growing up. Alli and I get a cabin in the Smoky Mountains and we hike and go snow tubing. It serves as a great escape and I look forward to it. I am desperate for some mother-daughter time alone, away from the grind, quiet and calm. I will take lots of pics. Plan on going in a few weeks.

I will write again as soon as I can. Thank you for all your love and support!

X OUT

January 29th

2012-01-29T21:48:00.001-05:00

Weight is 195.

Photos/ Videos

2012-01-03T14:25:00.000-05:00

2007?

LOVE football season!!!! No dieting, relaxing, Alli, football and popcorn.

2011

Me and the Alli-gator

Heading out the door to train.

My favorite color green.

Charlie the Cat snoozing and snoring.

Charlie the Cat hiding from me. Why?

I don't know.. sometimes I like to snap close ups.

Me and the bull? (above) my sister and Allison.

Allison and Willy. Halloween 2011

Three different drinks?

Feathers in the hair are/ were in. I think the trend lasting all of a few weeks or so.

The candy I couldn't have during contest prep.

The candy I wanted so bad during contest prep.

TheCat in the Castle.

Alli's science fair project. Which freezes faster, water or soda?

Visiting Mom in the hospital.

Willy and I chilling.

From a Friend

2011-12-09T16:01:00.002-05:00

Thank you Shawn!

Misc Pics and I will be back...

2011-11-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

The Queen of her castle- my cat Charlie sleeping in her bed in Alli's room.

Time for the gym. I might not be a pro yet, but I fucking look and train like one. So what?

The farm.

My sister J'aime, at the farm.

Mom in the hospital again.

My daughter, Allison, 11 years old.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.... nothing like a private licking.

What are YOU doing here?!!

Just a little fun at the hospital to cheer mom up.

My sister trying to hide from the camera.

Are those gummy bears I smell? You gotta eat those right in front of me?

Alli getting her cardio on- like Mother like daughter.

Our Sunday bike ride.

Ok so I multi-task. A bike ride and a trip to Target. It makes more sense to ride somewhere, doesn't it? Makes it feel a little less like an arduous cardio task, and a little more like purposeful traveling! haha! Sometimes it's just what I have to tell myself...

Flying out to Ohio.

My girl, Carole.

Getting ready for the stage. Checking the list twice.

He was scared I would attack him for the lollies. I was debating it seriously.

My Team Captain. She runs this game. Without her I couldn't do it.

My coach Don Long and his wife Sarah.

Yeah, why not. She is part of the family... why not let her pull up a chair and enjoy a burger!

My week off after the North Americas. I did eat, and eat, and eat. Then I ate some more just for the Hell of it. I have been suffering for it ever since!

Just a quick entry. I have more to come. I am prepping again for the Nationals in Miami. I got just 12 days to go. Damn I can't wait for this ugly shit to over. I am exhausted. It is what it is. I will be writing soon, but for now the cardio and weights are dragging me through hell and I am TIRED, with no time for anything afterwards. I miss venting to myself here so I will be back soon. It's almost over. There is a God somewhere. At this point, I just wanna eat!

Student of the Month- Allison Jones

2011-10-02T16:13:00.001-04:00

She did it again! If I ever doubt my abilities as a Mother I just look at how good my daughter is... everything she is- am I blessed, lucky, or am I just proactive, aware, and on top of things? Do I study to be the best Mother I can be? You're damn right I study! I watch how other people raise their kids, I learn from those who have succeeded, those that inspire me, whose ideas I value...I look at what good people do, who they are, what path they follow, what choices they make. I use my own childhood as a guideline of do's and don'ts, I read books on parenting- yeah, as cheesy as it sounds, I do read about how to parent. I think everyone should. I think there should be mandatory courses and standardized- "basics" courses and tests to pass when becoming a parent.
But I think most of all, I like to listen to my daughter, and I observe everything. I fucking do my homework. Sometimes I don't use the information right away, I simply stick it in my back pocket for future reference. I apply what I know, I research what I dont' know, I hear what she tells me, and everything in between gets factored into the equation when I make decisions regarding my child. I don't just throw things at the wall and see if they stick, trial and error is not for me. I analyze everything. Call it what you want, it works. So far I have all I could ask for, and my hope is that if I continue to be open and welcome Allison to share with me, if we remain close but not so close she takes advantage of me, she will always revert to what she knows to be good and honest and true in her life. I know it will not always be perfect- there will be tough times- I would be a fool to believe that I could somehow by-pass certain situations... that I am somehow exempt from the normal "situations" that life brings us through maturing, but I do think I can simplify by being proactive and alert, and ready to respond.

I have often felt that bodybuilding has overshadowed my job as Mother. I thought at times it was too time-consuming and selfish. But then I remember where I would be if I hadn't gotten into the sport. I recall where my mind was before I had it in me to tend to my mental and physical well-being. I also have to tell myself that every step of the way my daughter has been there. She is not neglected, but loved and cherished even more as it has made me realize what matters most in this life has nothing to do with what place I get on a stage or what % body fat I have on me. But I have come to think that it has given not only myself more day to day discipline, but the ability to act out that discipline and strength when needed. Bodybuilding has made me feel good about myself which in turn teaches my daughter how to love herself, how to exercise her self confidence through different avenues. It has kept me teaching Allison about healthy eating and exercise, and the importance of mental strength. It has also shown her what obsession is all about. And of course she knows the unhealthy side of this sport too- the side that many frown upon and the reason so many do not do what I do. It's ok, I am open with her about most everything she needs to know at different stages of her development- what she can digest and understand at certain point in her life. I feed her little bites.

Anyway, Student of the Month. Good girl. I love you Allison. XO

From Start to Finish

2011-09-27T14:26:00.000-04:00

Thought I would post some pictures- motivational for myself anyway- showing the start of my contest preparation for the North America's, before and after. The BEFORE shots were taken exactly 16 weeks out from the date of the contest, and the AFTER shots were taken the night before pre-judging (Friday, September 2nd).

This is what 16 weeks of hard work did for me... don't hate on it, just appreciate it.
My trainer is Don Long.

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

BELIEVE

2011-08-23T23:12:00.000-04:00

We all believe in something. It's what keeps us moving and motivated. Surely you have something you put all your time and energy into- something you invest your money in? Don't you have something that you are passionate about and work hard for every day of your life? No?! Get the fuck outta here, I don't believe it! Of course you do. Maybe it's your children or family, maybe a business or your career, could be your religion, or maybe a hobby or sport? Hmmmmm? If nothing else it might be a god damn pet named muffin that you strive to be successful with. But you have something, and if you don't, then what the hell are you doing with your life?

My love for bodybuilding started out as just that. In the military I was looking for discipline. Did I really care about serving my country? NO. To be honest here, I was 17 looking for a way not to kill myself. I was searching for a way out of the hell I was living in. I needed a job, money, a place to live, health care, friends, family, education- I could go on and on. And guess what? I was at least smart enough to find it. Yep, I found it in the U.S Army. Ask me was it fun? Hell no! I thought it would be easy, I thought I would succeed without struggle. It was almost too good to be true. I worked my ass off from day one, and that's no lie. I could tell stories upon stories about being in the military, even if it was only for a few years, but we could all tell stories, right? I mean every soldier has exaggerations and tons of dramatic effects, but the truth is, nowhere can you tell a story that sounds so intense and it actually be true, then when you speak of the shit we go through in the military. I won't go there right now, but I will say that it was not passion that brought me to join the Army, and it certainly wasn't out of selfless service. I joined for many reasons, all of which were to benefit me, myself and I.

While in the military I found a creative niche in my training as a soldier. As I learned how to defend myself, I also learned how to get into shape. I learned how to exercise and burn fat and build muscle. What started out as something I just "had to do" at 4am according to policy, it became a love for fitness. I started to like how it felt, how I felt. I wanted to do it all the time, every day. It was all I thought about, and in time I turned it into a full time hobby, which is what I do to this day. This is not easy. If it was easy, I would not want anything to do with it, so it all comes back around to my obsession and attraction to discipline and power and control. I exert it every day as I master my own body and force it to do what I want. I manipulate it in every way possible and it follows my lead.

When people look at me (well, the less intelligent people, anyway) they may only see a Woman who builds muscle. Are they right? Sure, I guess so. But it should not define me as a person like that. Any person with even a tiny little bit of awareness about human beings could look deeper into this muscle-building thing I do. I mean it's normal to be curious about it, to mot understand it, but hey, you can at least try. But see lazy people are unwilling to even do that. It takes too much effort to understand others. It's just plain ridiculous, and even scary to know that there are people out there that think only one way- their way. They are raising children, and operating heavy machinery (god help us). They are having sex, voting, and they are walking among us as if they belong, when they should be in an isolated bubble so we can all tell who they are and stay as far away as possible!

Shallow people ask why? Why does she build muscle as a Female? I don't know, I ask the same fucking question to all the men out there that don't build muscle when they should! I mean, you guys have the tools, you are supposed to do it! It wouldn't take half the work I put into this thing for you to do it. If we want to talk about what should and shouldn't be, then we should argue that Women should not build muscle and men should. I mean that's the way it's supposed to be. But since we are all open-minded here, we would agree that if a man does not have to build muscle then a Woman does not have to be fat or skinny, weak or feeble, right? Nobody should be able to determine or state how a Woman should look, and vice-versa. I have noticed a trend by the way, in MML (male muscle loss). And what a man is not willing or does not want to do, let a Woman do if she so chooses. If you want to be lazy and eat muffins and visit vending machines and fast food restaurants daily, so be it- that doesn't mean I have to. You think I don't want to have a White Russian chocolate milk shake right now?! You think I don't want Oreos and cake? It's called sticking to a game plan, following through, depriving, sacrifice, discipline, dedication. It's bodybuilding, but more importantly it's mind building. I am building a strong mind and I will succeed.

You say you want to sponsor me huh? Great. I think that's a good idea! If not, get the hell out of here. I mean you spend your money on a big mac, a Starbucks coffee everyday, porno, bullshit stuff... yet you email me to become friends. NO. Sorry, can't do that. I believe in you supporting me even just a little. For as long as you have known me, for as hard as I work, for as much as you feel for me and "believe" in me, and how much I inspire you, for you not to sponsor at all, ever, is a slap in my face. Do not even think of contacting me unless you can show your support, and guess what? I know you can, don't give excuses. Thank you to all that have sponsored this year. I compete in less than 2 weeks, and I can't wait for the feast afterwards. I have done my homework, I am ready, I am exhausted, but...
I DID IT!

If you wish to sponsor, please use www.paypal.com. My address to pay is: crosstrainer33905@msn.com (my email address). The service is easy, free to use, and if you don't have an account it takes just a few minutes to set up. Thank you.

Latest Photos

2011-07-11T13:26:00.010-04:00

Alli's school project on Michael Jackson. The report is attached on the side on this second photo.

Relaxing on the 4th of July watching fireworks from front yard.

Who said I was too big for a baby pool?

Allison and Willy.

5th grade graduation. She was Student of the Year and also got principles honor roll, which means straight A's every quarter for the entire year.

The sign I put together for her accomplishments.

My daughter and I got a kick out of this hairy, skinny elbow sticking out of this car window. Reminded me of a cartoon character. Had to take a picture.

He caught on to me taking this second shot with my camera.

Grammy reviewing Alli's report card.

Having fun with grammy.

My big back. haha! I love it.

My cat has been bringing snakes into the house! One was in my bedroom a few weeks ago- scared the religion right out of me... woke up, headed to the kitchen for a nice cold glass of water and stepped right on a black racer snake! This one here was a smaller garden snake. Funny to watch them try and slither on tile... no traction. I actually don't mind snakes, I grew up catching them.

16 weeks out. My starting point.

It's like... what?

I don't know.

I still love my cat- even though she is testing my patience with the 3rd snake in the house.

Training Videos

2011-05-29T22:55:00.001-04:00

Videos

2011-05-29T20:14:00.000-04:00

Pics May 2011

2011-05-28T22:06:00.001-04:00

Hi guys, I will be writing in my journal here soon. Just haven't made the time like I should.

What I woke up to on Mother's Day.

Mom on Mother's Day

Hurricane Simulator

Why we as Floridians want to reenact going through a hurricane when we live it each year is beyond me, but I was the dumbass that put my money in the machine- Alli made me do it!

SUNSPLASH!

Who is bigger? No, seriously...

Small, Medium, Large

What a good DAMN man! Finally, shit... I was losing all hope. A siting at last.

MMMmmmmmmm

Helene and her husband John- Canadians, eh?

Gulf Coast Championships.

Picking at bugs like an ape...

15 weeks out.

Alli at school.

Another good man. What's going on?

From a Fan- Thank You!

2011-05-15T19:03:00.002-04:00

Pics- May 2011

2011-05-10T15:01:00.001-04:00

My exceptional trainer, Don Long.

The next athlete. If I don't make it, she will. My next project is this one. It's her time now, I am almost done. So when the bitches hate on me, that's ok. I won't be here much longer anyway. You can spend your life losing, I won't.

The cat may also do some athletics. She is pretty good at leaping for food.

Outdoor exercise.

Love at first sight.

This is me now hating my short hair. Trying to grow it out. Ugghhh, gotta go through the ugly no-style stage. What'd you say, you say I'm ugly!!??

On the boat at Lakes Park. This time we rented an electrical one (versus paddle or canoe) so we could chill and get sun instead of working so hard, and somehow we ended up going slower than if we were paddling or rowing!

Our baby Charlie. The feistiest cat on earth.

Daddy duck. Is that a duck?

Oooooooohhh those babies are so adorable. I just want to cuddle and squish them!

Trampoline jumping videos.

The start of my contest prep. I am 17 weeks out in these photos. I start my prep next week. I am pissed about my 3rd placing at the Southern States and I have something to prove. Neither of you bitches should have beat me. You got nothing on me. It's true, right? Now say it!

Coloring hair. Bored out of my mind with the short do. Growing it out and maybe going blue and purple again. Why do I get so bored with everything?

Pizza! I have to say good-bye to it now. :(

My friends daughter. Such a nice example for little girls to follow. She is GOOD.

Update- April 18th 2011

2011-05-03T23:09:00.000-04:00

My Mother.

Alli's Student of the Year celebration dinner.

Me and my girl. 11 years old.

So proud of her... out of all the students at Hancock Creek Elementary, my daughter was chosen to be Student of the Year.

Is his how I look at all men? This is Alli's teacher. Interesting conversation, I guess.

Carmen, Carole, Mom.

My Sister

2011-04-28T23:05:00.002-04:00

I miss you and love you.

2011-04-13T21:22:00.001-04:00

2011-04-10T23:05:00.000-04:00

Pics- April 2011

2011-04-10T22:26:00.003-04:00

Movie was ok in my opinion. I LOVE kids movies. Either she was really tired or she didn't care for the movie because she fell asleep half-way through.

She is a rock star for sure. Watch this little girl grow into something out of this world. My little project.

Are those yogurt pretzels? Ummm... no... those were uh... Alli's. Hey, what's it to ya anyway?! I am not dieting yet!

Lately Alli and I have been staring at the stars on the driveway at night. We make a bed of blankets and pillows and camp out for a while. She loves her telescope, but I just can't get the thing to do what I want it to.

Mom and Allison- engaging in deep conversation.

My Mother's friendly ferret.

My Mother's not-so-friendly raccoon.

Yeah, he was stealing the cat's food and I caught him black handed. We ended up in hot pursuit in the back yard shortly thereafter.

Good times. Hot days in the sun.

My sunshine girl. xoxo

My backside. Watch out bitches, I am am not fucking around with gummy bears, marshmallows and cereal this year. YEAH- that physique was brought in with that shit. This year I am fucking dieting- never tried that before 100%. Then if I don't get what I want, I have had a good run, peace out.

Awwww kisses in the bowling alley. I say we split this joint and get a room!

Shit, is that me?!

What a dork wearing all clothes in the pool huh? No, I do not unveil the masterpiece until it's conditioned appropriately.

My other girl.

I usually average a 190 when I bowl. Just another of my skills! haha! (That was small joke.) 80 is a good day.

Eat that piece! Just because it fell on the floor doesn't mean it isn't still tasty!

Glow-in-the-dark jump rope Alli made last night.

She's ridin' solo... bad to the bone.

2011-04-06T23:58:00.000-04:00

Growing Up? Touch up

2011-04-04T15:50:00.001-04:00

My daughter and I both had birthdays in March- thank you to my wonderful friends who remembered. Yep. I am glad I was born, aren't you? I think the whole world should celebrate the day I was born! haha! My daughter is now 11years old- oh man! I just can't believe it. Soon I will be the Mother of a teenager! I had a baby 11 years ago! A growing child is all mine to have and to hold. I am the responsible adult in charge of assisting her through life as she grows into an adult. Well, when I put it that way it makes it all so detailed and serious. I don't think most people think about having a child as having the power to make a human for life. wowwwwww...that is such a scary thought. And scary for so many reasons, I mean nobody controls who has a baby, anyone can be a parent if they have sex. GOD. I guess that's the way it has to be because I can honestly see nobody passing "the test" of parenthood if all things were considered. So many opinions and such controversy and different beliefs on how to raise a child- so many variables that come into play.

I am not scared of too many things but when it comes to my daughter, I am a scaredy cat for sure. The kids in 5th grade are all using swear words and cussing up a storm and I hope so much that my daughter doesn't do it because I want her to be pure. I want her to be her own, not a follower. I want her to be lady-like. Why is that so important to me? Because I have a trucker mouth and I hate it. I have always used bad language, my Mother didn't help with her horrible mouth when us girls were growing up. I hung around almost all boys in school and then into the Army all guys again. That's not to blame men for my bad language but you have to admit that it is accepted more when a man or boy uses foul language than if a girl does... and it does sort of rub off on a girl if she lives it everyday of her life. It just becomes habit. But again, each person being responsible for their own actions could resist and do likewise, so no excuse really.

I worry everyday that my daughter will do right, that she stays happy and healthy and succeeds in whatever it is she puts her mind to. I guess it's ok to admit here that I do have my own expectations of her (as I am sure most parents do at some point) and I have certain things in my mind I want to see her accomplish. I have my own goals and things I am most definitely trying to instill in her day by day. It should come as no surprise that being physically advanced is one of them. Having a body and mind that can challenge any man is top on the list. Why do I have so much to prove? It's simple: Everyday I come across handfuls of men that deserve to have their asses handed to them and I am only doing my part to expedite the process- building the new generation of Women Handing Men Their Asses, that is. I believe the acronym is WHMTA. As I have said many times in the past, if I could have men crawling on their hands and knees in public I would. Just because. Since I was little I have watched men act a fool and take advantage and fuck around, getting away with shit that in time will never be tolerated. But because certain practices and rules haven't been set in place and followed through with, men have gotten away with aweful acts of stupidity, hatred and inequality.
But it's all the fault of Women because they have allowed men and trained men to get away with and continue on with it. Women deserve to be treated as less. See, Women have given men so much for so little in return that they have adapted and become monsters- ones that we created. When you let men tell you how you should look, what size your boobs should be to please them, how often you can spend and what amount, where you can go and at what time, you are handing them everything you have (you know they wouldn't be acting like that if you hadn't already given them the pussy). Every bit of power goes in their hands. Are you stupid? Make their asses earn that shit. Are you serious? What the fuck? (oh, excuse me WTF). You gotta set some frigging (fucking) standards. You gotta be a good you before he's gonna truly respect what you have to offer. So what I say about Women here is not equally applied to men because I feel the man should be controlled, but at his own free will. Does that make sense? What I mean is, in an example: I can exert power over my man in such a way that he is obsessed with me, he respects me, honors me, is loyal without letting go of my independence and values- whatever they may be. In my case I would focus on meaningful mental/emotional/spiritual connections, tapping into everything he is, learning as much as I could about him. With knowledge comes power and then I could pull the strings of that puppet- the puppet he loves being for me. On his own free will he stays by my side.
The physical part for me is too easy- being both mentally strong and with-holding whatever necessary, and physically strong enough to get whatever I wanted at any time. Having sex is ridiculously easy and far too many men are stupidly allowing it to run their lives, making little to no effort of stopping it from taking them over completely. But Women, once they have men wrapped up, don't know what to do with them and wind up making a disaster out of what could be perfect harmony. It becomes a dead end on both sides. I say it again, it's a process of training.
I would withhold sex until I got confirmation (it's easy to tell) that he was to be a large part of my life, committed to me in every way. I would not have sex to get material things or try to take ownership in that way at the start, until a lasting bond was created and then I would move in for absolutely everything... once I had him exhausted and in lust and love. So you see I am not into quick things because I am bored by them. I am also brutally honest when I say I don't want to get any nasty sex diseases! EWWWWWWwww.. Take that nasty dick to the next girl because what you have no money in the world is going to justify me sleeping with you to inherit.

So he will have to "invest" in me before we get too deep. There are many ways a man can do this to my approval: He can spend time- and lots of it. Once I know I got his time, I have his attention, I know he isn't double or triple dipping. If he spends money on me, I know he is investing. And I don't mean dinner and a movie, flowers & a card- no- I mean things that make a difference in my future, in my life. A definite statement of dedication: how about paying up front for my health insurance, helping me invest, real estate, a car, my daughter's college, competition expenses, day to day necessities. yeah... I doubt many men would just hand that kind of stuff over unless they are ready to commit. Well some would just to have the thrill of a lifetime, I guess. Or maybe if they felt they were giving to charity. But let's say they aren't ready to commit and it's just a game to them, like some trivial donation or small contribution, I'll take those gifts without it thank you. Been there, done that too.
If he helps educate me: pays for tuition, sits with me and teaches me, hires someone to teach me- all commitments to my well-being. My daughter: if he shows plenty of interest in her, makes a point to involve her and cares of her feelings, invites her, wants to be a part of her life, sends her little gifts... all of this makes a huge impact on my feelings towards him. Do I need him to pay the bills? No. I pay for them already myself. Will he eventually pay for them? Yes, of course. Do I need him for love and affection? Sure. A Woman does need a man for certain things no matter how indepedent she is. It is necessary to offer everything he has to me as we make plans for the future.

There are plenty of good guys out there, they are just hidden beneath scum because they haven't been trained properly. Too many Women are clueless. If men do not have to be good, if they don't know how, they will not be useful. Look at all the dipshit Women out there. Jesus. Using the one easy thing they got to control men. Really? That shit is so old. We all got it, you, me, her, them... pussy is everywhere. If that's all you got sister you are going to be fucked real soon. Did you know that pussy gets old? Yep. I have heard that once you pass 30, it's no good. It becomes old and expired! haha! Between the ages of 20-29 is when it is the ripest... it goes downhill from there. HAHA! So you better get working on some other fucking plan there mama. (I don't really believe that, by the way) I think 20 year olds are boring as shit, no matter how pink and little it is! It's what you do with it, and that can only come from time and experience and worldly knowledge of people.
Anyway, point is, what he can get from you he can get from any other too. And the next girl will be stupid enough to give it to him for less. No, he won't have to pay the bills or buy you designer shit, the other trashy girls fuck him for a steak at Outback or even worse, for an alcoholic beverage! I don't care how pretty you are, there is someone prettier. And you can be the hottest chick but you still got competition. And just a little hint- watch out for the ugly Women because they have to work to pay bills, they are your worst enemy. Not only are they independent, they won't ask for much and they will be faithful and stay put even if he is stupid. Where else can they go! haha! Pretty Women have relied on their looks for so much, but that is so played out and men have toughened up and have gotten a wee bit smarter with that now. The new idea: Go for the ugly ones and get MORE, give LESS. NO more nagging high-maintenenace bitch sucking him dry with all the expensive gifts, dragging him down while she moves up, using him, manipulating him, giving him the same shit he can get elsewhere for half the price while he keeps his pride. The bottom line is there is always someone out there more appealing, what you aren't doing some other bitch is, and what you think you are doing so well, someone else has found a better way of doing. HAHAHAHA! The key is to find a GOOD man or train one to be, and then be good to him. Don't abuse, work together, stay open-minded and open the lines the communication. Oh, and beat his ass every now and then! Ok, well at least keep him under your spell- easier said than done..

Blah blah right? Yeah, I feel the same way. It's not about equality anymore- I give a fuck about that. Could care less, in fact I think it should be unequal, only what I am promoting is that Women have the upperhand. No, no, no, FUCK NO. That's a terrible thought! We would all die in no time if that were to happen because Women have little to no experience. If we could say, intern to be almighty powerful beings, then we could accomplish some shit. We just need practice. Right? So who should we learn from? Men? Shit ok let me re-try that. There are few Women that can teach us how to run things. I say we latch onto them and make it happen way past what we have ever read about throughout history. The pace at which things are changing is ridiculous so if we can do this now, starting with our young daughters we should be all good in no time. We need more female leaders, but if we can't find them today we can look in the past. And if we don't want to imitate another, we are certainly in charge of who we personally become. I for one, do not care to be like so and so, I wanna be ME, setting my own records.

Why are Women gaining political power in every nation in the Americas except the United States? No Woman has even been nominated for president by a major party. After the recent congressional elections the number of Women holding seats actually declined. I believe we are not taken seriously because we (not me)are putting ourselves out there like bitches and sluts. The Women that are serious, smart, and ambitious are afraid to step up, why is that? I can only speak for myself when I say I wouldn't want all that pressure and responsibility! I say we continue to let the men work as dogs and slave for us as president. No thanks. We can be powerful in other ways. I like the spotlight but not that one.

If it appears that I hate men, well I can combat that with the fact that I hate Women too, so I give a fuck if they become powerful... I only care about me and how I live. Men I don't particularly hate, just want to see them squirm as a select few Women catch up. So now, why would I agree with doing something that men have been doing for so long especially when I believe it to be wrong? I only want to do it for fun. Yeah, I just want to see men get raped and beaten and squashed and stripped down because we CAN. It's such a turn on for me, it's sexy. You know, sort of like for so long the reason you did it was because you could? Yeah. That's all. Then we could hit re-set and try to make it all equal. With every fiber of my being before I die, I will have the satisfaction of shaming as many men as I can. This will not only be done through my personal daily interactions but also through friends and family and my newest "go out and get it done" Allison.

Anyway, I will post some pics soon. Thank you to those who have sponsored and continue to do so. I have nothing to lose by saying to other non-sponsors: don't email your pathetic porno stories and idiotic emails, because they are so lame. You know how many times I have heard that same fucking thing from 50 others just like you? GOD, shut up already. Remember, you are not paying me to read your shit, I have no interest as you obviously have none in me if you can't write something better than that, like maybe an introduction to yourself? So let's just cut the shit alright? It's like this: By natural design we all surround ourselves for our own benefit by those that can help us. Whether it be with emotional concern, knowledge or health or financial gain... if you can't offer those things, or anything, what do I need you for? A porno story is all you got? It's like the Woman offering the same shit- OLD. It's like when you see a couple dating- they each are getting something that keeps them there. They each are benefitting mutually. If they weren't it would be imbalanced and shit would go sliding one way or another until the inevitable divorce or cheating takes place. She dates him because he pays her bills, allows her not to work (because she is lazy or has no skill otherwise), she bears children- he dates her because she kisses his ass, cleans the house, fucks him, whatever... if she is ugly she has to work, if he is ugly he has to pay. Come on, there's no sense pretending we don't know, it is what it is. Yes, I do believe there are couples that are together because they love each other, but again, they each offer something to each other, they each benefit. This relationship you and I have is not benefitting me! I am not sure if you are getting something from me, I am betting you are or you wouldn't take the time, so it's one-sided.

Below are some notes I have taken and meant to comment on in the past as I read emails from people who ask certain things or bring up arguments about...

*SIDE NOTES* (extra shit I have been burdened with)
TANNING- I am white. It's my natural skin color. I am not going to tan my skin without good reason for doing so. I do not have the inclination to stand or lay in a tanning bed staring at light bulbs. I do not wish to pay for that experience because I feel like an idiot doing so. I live in Florida, if I want a tan I know how to get one. I do not want skin cancer, don't want to experiment with it or temp it. I do not have time. If I have the extra time to get sun, it means I have the time to spend with my child or to better myself by some other means. I will tan when I have to, during competition time. I think people that tan look like they are trying too hard to be a color that is not naturally their own or it would already be. I do not think orange or sunburnt skin is appealing. skin discoloration is not cool to me.
*These are all the reasons I have for not getting a tan. If you don't like my color, don't look at me.

HATERS- Watch out because I will only be getting better. I will eventually make you look like a complete wimp in front of your "friends". What you have I either have already and you just don't know it, or I will have it very soon. So when you hate on me, just know that when I find the right time I will pull out a whole bunch of shit for you to deal with. I will embarrass you. I am waiting for the right time. Don't mistake my politeness for anything other than me keeping you at a distance. I know what you have said and I see it clearly- I love to make shitty people pay back their debts.

Breast Implants- NO. My reasoning? First of all, I never wish to have un-necessary surgery. I don't like the procedure it takes to put fake boobs into my body. If I want the look of boobs all I have to do is put temporary inserts into my bra and I am good to go. Next, I don't prefer the look of surgery boobs. I think it is the stupidest thing to pay some fucking man doctor to put bags of shit in my body for a few thousand dollars. What a joke. Don't get me wrong here, I think real boobs look stupid too, because all they are is fat- and that is not attractive to me at all either, but at least they would be natural, and how can you deny that?
A large part also for me not ever wanting to get boobs is because of what they represent: fake boobs are a symbol of submission to man. They are for man's sexual pleasure. They bring happiness to man. It is Woman's desperate cry for attention, a cry to please men/ a man. In my opinion they are a meaningless way of enhancing a person without physical work or education or creativity. haha! Breast implants are a cheap way of investing in a person. And to all Women that brag about a man offering to pay for boobs, you have got to be kidding. What are they $5-10k? That money? WASTED. Please... why settle for that when you can get so much more. That amount of money is a joke. You are a cheap whore looking like a slut putting boobs on at his expense. He's getting off way to easy. You are putting a really low superficial price tag on your ass. Let him invest MORE. If you are going to sell out for material things at least go for something that you can get a return on, not something that is essentially for HIM. Go for something of some value. Get something for the future, something you can invest in.
Let's see if I can nail this shut with a few more reasons why I am against it... I think I can: Since everyone is doing it, it's a follow-the-crowd thing, an over-done boring fashion statement; a lazy way of creating curves. Boobs are for men. (we know real boobs are really meant for our children's nutrition during the first year of their life, but..) but fake boobs are for MEN to get their balls off. They are ridiculous toys we give to them so they can orgasm. They are play things for grown men to fondle and slobber on. It disgusts me really. I say we slap some bags of money around their necks and get off on them while we take it all.
And don't give me the excuse that you do it for yourself to make yourself feel better (Women sound so stupid when they say this). Really? Go feed that shit to a donkey's ass cause I aint buying it.
I simply prefer a flat chest, or small boobs, whether there is muscle or not, over a chest that is not my own. I think fake shit looks fine on some Women and on others I think it looks like a horror story. I have seen some super bad jobs and I have seen some that look ok, I just won't take the chance. The maintenance on those things is another reason I won't do it. I don't want to be an old lady with fake boobs, don't want to be fixing them on a 5 year basis, don't want dropping balls of silicone strapped to my body, don't want to spend money that could put be put to more intelligent use- like mine or my daughter's education. Besides, the man I marry will love what I have regardless, so what would I be sticking boobs on the chest for? To impress who, other men? I like men that are different in their taste.
I have heard the argument already when I posted some time back about being "un-natural" and what is good for one is good for another. Yep. That's why I say if you can put fake shit in your body to produce results, why can't I too? And if I can put shit in my body to make me grow why would I shun putting fake boobs on? Again, it's for the number of reasons I stated above. To each his/her own, I just prefer to Dominate men- not give in, serve, and submit to them. I prefer to do things that are far from the norm. I enjoy not following the crowd. I prefer to "work" on my body in a way such that is creative and requires thinking and hard work, energy and time. I prefer to exercise my curves not sit through surgery where the outcome is out of my control. So THERE.

I bring these topics up because there is always someone that wants to put their 2 cents in about how another should live and look and act. Most people like doing that- I am no different. In response to you though.. We would live in paradise if people could just be happy for others instead of always hating. I don't defend myself here I just have fun with the bullshit that comes in the mail, try not to judge others (but I am sure I do), but I like to explain why I think the way I do and where I personally stand on these issues. Have you seen the movie "Anger Management"? "where do you stand on breast implants"...?!! hahahaha!

GOD THIS JOURNAL FELT GOOOOOOD!!!!

Pics

2011-03-25T15:13:00.001-04:00

Birthday slumber party- West Palm Beach March 2011

Helene's contest- West Palm Beach March 2011

Who's that big bitch?! Oh, that's Helene!

(Don't know what was going on there.)

IFBB Professional Bodybuilder Dayana Cadeau & Tammy Jones- now that's some muscle!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Damn, for a little girl, she is strong like BULL!!

Check out the dude in the van behind her.

And again.

And again. He was talking to her but looking at me. haha! I think he was babbling about giving her his 30% discount on furniture at City Furniture where he works. I say fuck that- BUY the furniture all the way or get the fuck outta here!

Mom & Alli dancing...

My Mother is beautiful. I love you MOM!

Got videos of us in the electronic scooter/ wheelchair. That was loads of fun. Have you ever seen a Body Builder riding in one these?

Looking at Tammy, looking at Tammy, looking and.... not looking anymore when I pulled out the camera. I like to look at people too, so I think I am going to start snapping people when they least expect it. Why is it ok for everyone to stare at me? haha!

2011-03-10T17:39:00.000-05:00

Testing Video Clips- misc updated photos

2011-03-10T13:54:00.003-05:00

More to Come.

2011-03-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

Allison is the Cape Coral Chamber of Commerce Student of the Year!!! OH MAN! I am soooo proud!

Old pic I found.... when we used to volunteer at the A.R.C animal shelter. Need to gte back there again- life just got in the way, I guess.

My furry friend, Charlie. Got her during the hurricane some years back. When Allison was asked who her best friend was she pulled out this picture. Look at that sleek physique! hahaha! Yeah, that's how we roll. Even our cat is in shape! Do you think making her run on the treadmill is too demanding? Am I going overboard with that? Is it too much to have a cat exercise? Well what's good for me is good for her too. hahahaha!

Alli hates when I catch her sleeping. But ask me if I care... no, I don't, because one day she will be all grown up and I will still have this picture to remember how little she was. I may only have pictures one day... you know how life has a way of separating people, changing things...

This was hilarious! This little dog peed all over Alli right after I took this pic. She went running embarrassed into the bathroom. You can see by the look, how obvious what his next move was going to be. Damned animals.

Steelers game night.

Sleeping buddies.

Old pic of me holding Alli. Something is missing... hmmm.... where is all the muscle??!! 20 yrs old there.

Mom and Alli in hospital. Mom was sick :( but almost recovered in this pic. :)

My girls.

Thank goodness they sold pink teddy bears at Walgreens. I think that's what made Mom all better.

So I will write again soon. But I can't promise it will be any different than my usual rant and rave, venting about the world. Is that ok with you? Because you know I only do this for your pleasure, I am here to serve you. Right?

If you would like to see new videos of my off-season posing and flexing (195 lbs currently), or everyday out and about videos, I will send them to you via email once a paypal sponsorship has been made. Contact me for details.

Why do People Kill Themselves?

2011-02-09T23:34:00.000-05:00

*******http://seniorjournal.com/NEWS/Features/6-01-11-WhyPeopleKill.htm

http://www.babyboomercaretaker.com/senior-health/Why-do-the-Elderly-Commit-Suicide.html

2011-02-09T15:17:00.000-05:00

Fritz Fenster October 31st 1931- January 19, 2011

2011-02-08T13:14:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnVkYjEbe8M

What hurts the most is that I didn't say what I needed to at the right time. I stalled and procrastinated and waited for you to make the move. I listened to you and gave my advice, and I guess I "assumed" you would let me know when. I should never have let you lead the way because you just didn't know how. I thought you were strong like me. We agreed you were. The one time I gave you, a man, the upper hand and it fails miserably. I held you dear to my heart and opened myself to you. You knew how I felt because I did tell you, just not when you needed to hear it. Bad timing and now I am a loser for as long as I live... I relied on you to speak your mind and when you didn't I got upset. I guess deep down I knew but I wanted you to say it to me. I needed to hear it too.
I am heart broken, miserable, deeply saddened, frustrated, even angry with you. We could have made everything work just fine. You had so much life left in you but you gave up. I told you I would be there for you and I would never give up, no matter what life-altering choices needed to be made. I told you I loved you and how special you were. I told you I needed you. That's not at all easy to admit but I had to say it. You knew these things and yet remained stubborn and selfish and here I am now without you- alone. It's not fair that you didn't even give me a chance to speak with you. I have so many questions and now I will never get answers. What a way to go. I have to carry on my days never knowing, never hearing the truth. Why? Do I deserve this?

You have always been there, supportive in every way. I was trying to reciprocate but it takes me time and I guess you grew impatient. My life now will be forever changed. Without you this place is unsecure and confusing. You always joked about being famous and leaving your mark- and you did. You've made an unmistakable impact, I am inspired to live better. I am embracing this pain as punishment, as a lesson that needs to be learned, as not to take for granted anyone or anything ever again. I don't wish the pain to subside but rather it to remain sharp as a reminder of my mistakes. What a torturous way to learn and what a sick, sick way of teaching me. You have taken a part of me and left me with emptiness, suffering. Good job.

I will love you forever my shy, sweet, love bug. I can't say it enough. You stood for so many good things and I will continue to do what I know you believe in. I will work hard like you did to help others and I will never forget the joy you brought to my world.

I am still angry with you though. I'm sorry. I just can't believe you didn't fight for the things you needed, that you would want to leave and hurt me, that you couldn't overcome and set your brilliant mind to see things from a different angle. I was right here. So now I will replay your words in my mind over and over and over until I can find some sort of conclusion that will allow me to settle down and find peace. I don't see that happening for a very long time. I love you, I love you, I love you but dammit...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnVkYjEbe8M

"What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts

To Judge or Not to Judge?

2011-02-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

Hello to everyone that reads...I am doing well (aside from the few regular annoyances, but I know nothing is ever going to be perfect, right?) I'm staying strong, not getting distracted, not getting into trouble. Raising my child, making money... I bodybuild but if it came down to it I would choose being a Mother over it anyday. I have thought many times about letting the bodybuilding thing go and one day I will, but right now it is the one solid thing I have. It is my passion, it is my discipline, the structure I have always so desperately needed. Bodybuilding outlines my day to day principles for living. Agree with it? I don't give a shit. You have no fucking idea so if you don't then shut the fuck up, k? It is my thing.. everybody has their thing- this is mine. You wanna give dirty looks but you can't even wipe your own ass without asking for permission.
That's how you live. And thanks for letting me know how insecure and intimidated you are by me. It really feeds my ego. Here is some advice: No matter how much you think you know, you don't know anything about the next person. All you know is what they have told you (they show you only what they want you to see or they lie), what you see through your own opinionated goggles (that could be anything), what you have learned through biased views with the help of a fucked up world around you.

Where is your proof, your evidence, what are you basing your opinions on anyway? Did you care to even observe for longer than a minute? Did you analyze anything? Are you being reasonable, using reasoning in any sense? It's ridiculous how stupid people are. They take one look and automatically make assumptions about another like one cow following another in a catle herd. That's right... you are a fucking follower. Your brain is not capable of thinking any deeper than the surface and that is why you will not amount to much in this world. Your day will come when you are ass out and don't say I didn't tell you so. You are incapable of doing any sort of filtering or thinking beyond what your eyes see. It must be tough to be trapped inside such a stupid mind. I mean, how does it feel to be so close-minded? How does it feel to be incapable... stupid... shallow...?? it must be so boring to live in that box.

You see a fat person and assume he/she is lazy, right? But could it be they are depressed by something bigger than they ca cope with at this point in their lives? I have many times bashed the fat person, BUT I did so in response, a reaction to their ignorance towards me. Yes, I admit that. If a fat person makes a comment about me I am still immature enough that I will not ignore but I will use my outdoor voice and bash the shit of of them so they get it. It has always worked.

If you see a homeless person you think they are on drugs and drink alcohol. But could it not be that they have been homeless since they were born? Living in the streets from childhood is not a so far-out-there reality.

I have heard people make comments about white Women with black men. Ok. So she likes dark skin? So fucking what? Maybe she likes a big dick, maybe she likes the color her children will be with him. Maybe they are two people that found love. Maybe it's just a kinky fetish. Maybe maybe maybe. Just shut up.

In my case I am judged daily on my body. My muscle has brought up several different opinions: I am gay, I am a Woman trying to be a man, I am a man, I like torture, I am independent, agressive, butch, cocky, scared, in need of attention... the list goes on and on, really. And all before they knew a fucking thing about me. I know, right? I have heard it all, and the more I hear the more I am truly convinced that I am surrounded by a world full of morons. Could it be that I just like the look and feel of muscle? Could it be that I like to exercise and lift heavy weights? Could it be I like being a heavyweight competitve bodybuilder, a mixed athlete? It's always got to be some stupid ass shit to go along with my muscle. I admit when I saw my first female bodybuilder I thought it was odd. But I did not make assumptions, I got facts. I thought it was both intense and amazing and it instantly grabbed my attention and respect. I admit that I did wonder why in the hell any Woman would want to look like that, but in my defense I was 18 years old and full of questions. I took the time to observe and make decisions based on knowledge I obtained from this person. I talked to her and learned about her. I was indeed very curious, but more importantly I wanted to know this person that had an impact on my thoughts- about Women and muscle and fitness and the world around me. Haven't you ever seen or met someone that was so different and unique you just wanted to know everything? Don't you ever get curious? Sure, we all do, it's just some of us are smarter than others about it. I wanted to know more and more, and the only way I knew how to quench my thirst for knowledge was to go straight to the source. And every day of my life when I see something that interests me (no matter to what degree or level) I approach and learn. I have talked to homeless people and gay people and obese and sick people, I do come right out and ask them why and how but with extreme caution, care, and respect. I remember asking the man at the funeral what made him choose to work with dead people!? Was the money good? No class right? I know, I was just starting my quest for answers.

I have asked Women why they submit to men, why they give up their lives, their education to serve him? By the way, why do they become useless beings on the earth to serve one man? Why do Women have so many babies? Why do people not take care of their bodies? Why do people eat junk food all day? Why do people cheat on one another when they could just be single? Why do people stay married when they are miserable? I ask people why they have so many damn animals in their homes, and why people don't learn more about life before they JUDGE! haha!

Been lifting heavy now for over 10 years, and have absolutely no injuries- never have along the way either. I do love training although I still tend to get aggravated by those that have no gym etiquette. Thought I would get over it, but no. Sort of like I am sure I aggravate the bowlers on the leagues on Saturday night at Friendship Lanes when I monkey around. If you are professional why are you growling at me? I don't know your rules! You should be patient and understanding and act according to your organizations rules. haha! Ok, so the point I made was mute. I can't argue with that at all when I bitch and complain about the morons in the gym when they just don't know a thing about lifting. People that walk right fucking beside me as I am about to do a huge lift, or buzz around talking, or smell like ass- all distractions. Women that act like whores to pick up men.. but hey, they just don't know, right? Can't blame them and certainly can't judge them! I don't know where they came from! Maybe where they come from it's ok to stand in front of someone's mirror; maybe it's ok to smell like an African Ape; maybe whores are slowly migrating to our gyms to do business. I zone most of it out, but the hairy bald guy taking my mirror space picking his teeth is gonna get a foot up his ass next time. Have you ever heard of personal space? Get the fuck outta here. Your ass is in my way. And no, no, no to the Women that walk around flirting with all the sweaty, nasty, no money- having men... are you serious? Let them come to you bitch, it's how it's supposed to be. You are making yourself look like a cheap whore. Stop it. If you got it they will want it and if these don't, wait long enough and 10-20 more will. And why do you want men that have nothing to offer you? Jeeze... if you're gonna be a whore at least snag a man that can pay you for your shit.

I'm gonna try and fire off a bunch of shit and summarize my thoughts in this blog. It's an update. It is what it is.

Women that don't work: Hard life huh? At least do something then. Can you do a little volunteering or take care of family? Isn't there any work you can do besides what you do for you? You look around aimlessly like you got no clue- like you're an airhead- like there isn't someone out there that you could help. Aren't you bored? Don't you think at all about doing anything for anyone else besides yourself all day? I guess I shouldn't say anything but it is rather annoying to see so many Women doing nothing while the men are out like slaving dogs... oh no.. wait- isn't that what I want? To see men slaving for Women? YES. But how about this... how about Women that sit back and do the whole submissive fucking whore thing, annoy the shit out of me. They have so much time on their hands that all they do is make shit up. It's like they have nothing to offer anyone, they live for themselves day in and day out. It's horrible. They just take up space and use resources we need! Exist for no reason, no purpose whatsoever. They spend their days (not raising children) but getting hair and nails done, and appointment after appointment of primping themselves for what? NOBODY CARES! Even your husband got tired of looking at you some years ago. He's got some new bitch on the side, don't you know?! Those wrinkles are part of life and the next bitch doesn't have them, you are gonna be fighting forever. You will be old and ugly one day anyway. It's coming. Get over your fucking self. The best thing you can do is get a fucking ugly ass man that can't say shit. If he's ugly, you can be too. Ugly men are the BEST. Get him, keep him, love him.
But hey, who am I to judge? I guess if I had some hard evidence that these Women I am discussing actually made a difference in this world I could be less aggressive here. They frivolously spend money on stupid shit, throwing it out the window. And you know what? I don't feel bad for the men that support these Women because they allow it to happen. The men think it's so cool to have a Woman that doesn't work and just hangs around spending his cash. It's hilarious! Spend all that money baby. These idiot men actually want a Woman not to work, because they are afraid, they know that if they do, they could excel and make more money than they do! haha! Funny how the shit works huh? But everyone goes along pretending not to know what the hell is going on- games, games. We all know what it's about though. It is so obvious. He makes the money, she sits around and whores, and there ya have it. A mutual relationship based on idiocy.

Friendship: I thought this word meant closeness. Honesty. I thought the idea of friendship was to be a friend, to care about someone beyond any selfish reasons for being one. I'm not asking for perfection, but why not? Yeah. Why the fuck not? I mean we all want to be better than we are, so why don't we strive for perfection? Nobody's perfect you say? OK, I hear you. And to that I say, but can we be? Are you willing to try? Why is it we can do so many things but we can't be perfect? It's because we all keep using the excuse that nobody's perfect. It's a cop out.

Taking Allison on vacation in the next two weeks to see snow. She is very excited and I need a break big time. You ever just get so tired of the same old scene? Especially when people start to take advantage of you? That's how I feel. I need to escape for a bit, even if it is only for a week to see fucking cold, white snow on the ground. Think about the people in your life right now and decide if they take you for a fool sometimes.It seems like the nicer you are, the more shit they hand you. You do things for people and all you want to know is that it is appreciated. Instead it gets tossed aside as just something you should have done anyway. If you remove yourself from the situation entirely you wonder if they will ever figure it out. If I am gone, is your life better or worse? Do you need me? Do you love me? Do I make your life happier, more productive, rich and full? Or do I do more harm then good? I think we all weigh out the risk to benefit ratio when determining whether or not to continue with certain relationships or say goodbye. What is best for me? Some of just never figure it out and spend our lives doing and doing for others and some learn to cut their losses. But why could it not be about the other person? Why not be for that person what you know they need to be better? A true friend thinks about what they can do, how they can be there.

Moral of the story is: Don't judge people. Just because they look like a hairy gorilla does not mean they are one!

I will continue later... but for now I am out. X.

What?

2010-12-30T16:16:00.001-05:00

Hi guys. I know it has been a while. Life has a way of distracting me sometimes- I guess it does that to everyone. I get so focused on certain projects that it is hard to pull away and do what I enjoy, and that is write in my journal. I have neglected my journal and my thoughts and for that I am sad. :( I have neglected myself in a way. But I have no means neglected any of you. Why do I say that? I say it because you get what you get and you don't throw a fit (my daughter taught me that when she was 5yrs old and it just stuck). You get what I give you, when I give it to you. It's just how it works. I write... I don't. I shut down, I open up. It's not at all about you, and for those that think it is, go take a fucking hike. I know one of you was disturbed when I opened up my journal to the public again after sponsoring me when I shut it down, but here it is: You give to give. You should expect nothing in return. My understanding of giving is exactly that. There are no terms or conditions, no expectations, no refunds or exchanges, no receipt, no fine print, no rewards, no prize. I will do now what I do best in situations like this when I have been tested... I will slap you in the face one good hard time to wake you up to how I view things. And I think everyone needs a good knock now and then because you got it all wrong when you GIVE. Actually, most people don't GIVE at all. Yes, I said it. You don't really GIVE to anyone but yourself. To be honest, I don't think a one of you knows how to truly sacrifice anything. I doubt very many of you have really given anything in your whole lives that really affected you. I can almost bet with 100% confidence you have never felt pain by giving to someone. You have never neglected yourself to give to another. You have never felt pain by giving. I will give examples later of what I mean by this. You may give a little some-some to a charity or cause of your choice because it somehow pertains to a loved one or you can relate to it somehow... you may sponsor or contribute here and there when you feel like it or if you get hit up at the grocery store and feel pressured to. Pocket Fucking Change is what it is. You have never sacrificed. Let's be real here- you give scraps, little pieces that don't really mean much to you. Things you don't misss. Like scraps to a dog... you take your junk to the Goodwill and you give hand-me-downs to others. You take what you no longer need and donate it, what doesn't fit you or what is no longer in style. Maybe you will throw some things to those in need that have been collecting dust in your attic or closet.

I will never forget as I was growing up... the year we had no Christmas because our house was broken into and robbed clean on Christmas Eve. There was nothing left. Electronics, tools, toys, jewelry... gone. We had been out all day Christmas shopping and when we got home this is what we found. They even took paintings from the walls, my dad's breifcase and the dog house we had built together as a family. We were left with a huge mess and NOTHING under the tree. My dad decided right then and there that this was meant to be. He was not angry at all. I remember the blank stare on his face, the awakening, the almost enlightened, relieved look he had. He packed us into the car and took us to the nearest shelter where we gave the rest of the items we had bought that day away. Someone was in need- this is how he looked at it.

My Father was a brilliant man that respectfully lead the way in every possible situation. Every conflict was resolved with careful consideration and a positive approach. I remember the times (I hated him then for it) he made us take our favorite clothes and belongings to the church and to those who were on the streets. He would not let us give things we did not like or need anymore, used items that were of no real sacrifice. I remember many times shopping for things to give to those in need. I always thought... why do I have to be fucking punished for the wrong-doings of others! Why are they in need and why can't they get out of need? Why should I suffer because someone else made bad choices in their life? But that's not what it's about. If you can find it in your heart to give what is most precious to you, what you love, what you need and can use, the things that truly do matter to you, then you have sacrificed. There are plenty of people out to take advantage, sure, and there are many that have made stupid ass moves that landed them where they are, but that has nothing to do with you right here and now. We have all done stupid things, it's just we have been fortunate enough to fall back on family and friends and those that cared enough to help us out. We have all been down and low and selfish and fucked up... but I guess we had something or someone there to lend a hand, or maybe we worked hard to fix our mistakes, maybe someone we didn't even know came along and had faith in us. But see, it's so rare to find a person willing to sacrifice because we all feel there isn't enough. We never have enough. We always want and need more so we never give anything up.
And most of you are sitting back not at all phased by this because you have heard it a million times. And most of you aren't caring for a word I am saying.. I know, I feel it. But I do not speak of all this as monetary or material offerings. When it comes to giving, I mean it in as many ways as humanly possible. I mean it in relationships, in love, in marriage, in raising children, at work, in the community. And YES, it always comes back to D/s! hahahahahahaha! Don't pretend you give when you don't.

Prove your worship and submissiveness. Do something else please. Talk, talk, talk. I know... you wanna worship and wrestle and lick and touch. Blah blah blah. You wanna feel the strength, you will give anything. You will beg and take abuse, you will go to any length. Really? Cause that's a lot to offer. See I am a literal person, if you say you are going to take abuse, I am going to really give you abuse. I'm going to take your word for it (I wouldn't assume you would lie, and besides why would I care at all if you did?) I would abuse you. It's only going to give me pleasure to know you are taking abuse that you lied about wanting! And since I get satisfaction from molding, teaching, training, building, perfecting my projects I will have no problems fucking you up in the head to get what I need and what I think you need. It's called sacrifice. GIVE what you don't want to give. I do it all the time. You think I like giving my time, my energy, my words of wisdom?? No, but I do. haha..I do it for the beter of all human kind. I like to contribute and share the wealth; to let others benefit from my worldy intelligence! When you get married, be the man that gives his all. A man that loves his Woman and will do what it takes, let go of selfishness to be for her all she needs.

God, dating teaches so much, you know it? It's like a book of adventures and you pick and choose the pages to read, the conclusions are always scattered and inconsistent. And each one confirms that men are all LOSERS. hahaha! Ok not all men are losers, most just need to be trained and they could be good! I wanna start my own Man Camp. You know, kick these asses into some real man shape! I am the best there is, I am by far the best leader. And you men need some heavy duty work. Seems to me that you are all shells, skeletons just walking around exposed. I can see through you. You have an outline but need to be filled in. You are a nasty dried out stale donut that needs icing and filling. You are a bunch of old logs that need to be lit and fired up. You are stupid loathsome creatures simply existing with no real purpose. hahahaha!
DO YOU AGREE WITH ME? Circle Yes or No here.
Of course you fucking don't because you are stupid. hahahaha! Come on, say it with me, you know you want to... YOU are stupid.
Now when you say it you should say: I ______________ (fill in the blank with your stupid name) am STUPID!

God I have missed being a bitch here for all to see. If you see this and you wanna kick my face in- that is exactly the response I expect and hope for. Get mad but shut the fuck up pig ass because I give a rats balls.

So now that that is established and you know what I think of you, we can all move forward with our tiny little lives, our itty bitty existences. You know, we are all just specks of dirt on the ground, and none of what I say here will even matter tomorrow or a year from now. Will it? All the drama and slap jack shooting off at the mouth will be N/A. So let's all just go rub one off now and be happy.

Fuck YOU by the way.

Pics- Nov/ Dec 2010

2010-12-14T23:15:00.005-05:00

Fuck HER!

My girls.

Halloween night.Alli is a Diva!

Teaching class with Miss Carole- Gold's Gym

Even shorter hair... I know I will eventually regret it. Damn, why can't I just sit still?!

The knee-high colorful socks are in now.

You

2010-11-28T21:14:00.001-05:00

From the day we are born we are meant to get stronger and stronger. We build our immune system, our bodies, our minds, for a strong future. But at what point do we start to get weaker? And what does weak mean really? Are older people weaker or stronger as age sets in? Are they wiser or more vulnerable? Are young people more energetic and able or inexperienced and useless? Some would say as we age we get better- better at handling situations, making decisions, coping, dealing, but that's not always true. But physically... how does that work? Seems we get better and better and then starts The Great Decline! Seems we get worse as we plug along. All the time we put into our bodies and minds and age does what it does anyway. Sometimes it strips us back down to the the very beginning, way back. As we age our bodies start to slow down, shut down, and decay. Our energy gets less and less with age, in most cases. We slowly lose our ability to remember certain things, our bodies become less capable.

Emotionally we spend the majority of our lives in "re-set" mode. We spend our days trying to start afresh, learning from our mistakes, fixing the broken hearts we experience from those mistakes. We struggle through hardship, fighting to repair the damage done by the past, the present, hoping to somehow escape it in the future- our attempts useless because pain will inevitably come anyway, no matter what. We get hardened after a while and just keep walking away.

We are who we are and it is through this knowledge of ourselves that we learn something more if we observe, if we sit back and analyze. What I see in myself is that I tend to make the same mistakes over and over again just in a different context each time. It is because those certain charcteristics within my personality that made me do what I did last time are still there to make me do it again. It is me and I cannot change the essential make up of who I am. I have turned very cold in most areas of my life,especially when it comes to trusting people, and with good reason. I teach my daughter to always have her guard up, which may or may not be correct and right to do. Not every person is bad and not everyone is out to do me harm. Sometimes I over-react and other times I don't react at all and in either case (one extreme or the other) I end up making the wrong choice! There is no grey area for me, I am either all or nothing. I won't invest money at all, rather than investing a little or a lot. Why is that?... drives me nuts! I won't commit to anything unless I know for certain it is what I need to be successful. I am cautious, fearful (ok, don't like to admit that one)... I am very conservative. Always feel as if I know everything, then feel I know nothing at all. I am either on or OFF. Here all the way or gone completely. I apply this rule to my relationships as well. If you do me wrong once, I am gone. The thing about this is because I am so strict, sometimes the wrong doing by someone that I am so upset about, is really nothing at all. The slightest hint of disrespect or disloyalty and I cut it right away.

I look at marriage and raising children as one and the same. I borne and build each one. My man is just like my child. I protect him, love him, teach him, listen to him. I give him my life and everything I am. I am honest and loyal and will never give up once I have made the commitment. I expect the same from him or it's garbage. I could never get a divoce from my child and likewise I would not with my marriage. No choice, no option. We are killing what marriage is all about with all these options of divorce- it's just money making at it's best. When someone tells me they are getting married I almost wanna laugh, because it's such a silly thing, it's just not sincere anymore. There are few examples left in this world and they are slowly dying off. The proof of long-lasting bonds between husband and wife are becoming extinct, all that's left is remnants of what used to be. So yes, we have often discussed how things are so rapidly changing and it is sad to see the one good thing we could essentially use to guide us, become only memories.

My Grandparents have been married for 68 years this year. Is that not fucking amazing? They are both in their mid 80's. This is the proof, my inspiration, the memory I will carry with me as I search for what is right for me. It can happen. It does exist. It can be done. No, it will not be perfect, there will be hard times, but I expect it. I am ready for it. But I will give myself to it completely. I have already been married and divorced- I have already given up and walked away without trying. It doesn't work. It never does. It's just one more heartbreak, one more chapter, one more project to start and finish, more time lost. Why do people not see time as the most precious thing we have? I have heard it said a million times that we can't go back in time, time goes by fast, life is too short, we don't have much time... True. But you know what? We do have control over what we do with our time. We can save time by thinking things through, by planning. I take pride in the fact that I analyze everything. I have been made fun of my whole life for doing so, but it has served me well. This is what attracted me to the military as a teenager. I needed a place to put my plans, to take action. I needed one place where I would be rewarded for my ability to strategize and put things together, to be successful. I like to take my time and think things all the way through so I can take the necessary steps to ensure that when I put my time and energy into something it flourishes, instead of simply taking chances. Even when I was into drugs and alcohol, I was thinking. At that time in my life I was mainly rebelling against my family since I wanted them to become better people. Even at that age, I knew better. My Mother and step-father were alcoholics, my Father was a work-a-holic (they were both just as bad). My Father had a horrible temper, my Mother was never there and neither was Dad. I was alone. My sister and I were lost. After girl friendships failed I turned to male relationships, sex. When they failed I turned to drugs. When they were too expensive I turned to alcohol. And when all that failed me I found the gym. I cleaned up and found the military to couple with my new body and mind. From 12-18 years old I was a wreck. Not your typical teenager outbursts... I dropped out of school at 14 almost 15, ran away from home and lived in the streets. I did what I felt I had to do to make money and to stay as far away from my parents as possible. I moved all over the state of Florida, trying to fnd my way, the entire time thinking... and thinking... and planning.. on the run and trying to fight my own mind to get it right.

Anyway, I still to this day blame my parents for a lot of my heartache. I don't want to blame them, but I have to be honest. I did have choices, yes, but after thinking them through, I felt being on my own was better than where I was at home. And the way I went made me grow up twice as fast, but it gave me better opportunities and allowed me to create my own atmosphere. I was in control of my own creative energy and I was able to apply positivity to my world. It did take a little while, and it could have taken a horrible turn for the worse, but I trusted myself. I knew that if I could just think things through I could figure it out. I have forgiven my Mother and Father, I have also accepted fault for many things I did wrong as well. I just feel that everything happened for a reason and here I am. I finished my education, even went to college in and out of the Army. I have a beautiful, healthy child. I have a large and in-charge body, I know right from wrong, have experience and knowledge most would be scared of. I am a product of many things..

It's so hard to believe we are staring at the end when all we think about is starting up again. Most people think of getting rid of this for that, wanna break up to find another, replace old with new, have more when they have enough already. Give up the act, and see that everytime you close that door another one opens just like it and you are back to creating another thing, just the same. It's a never-ending cycle of start and finish or for some, start and never finish. Stop thinking there is something better over there or there. You can make this thing right here work if you work for it.Whatever you lost you can find again but it doesn't have to be new. Anything can be made to your specifications, personalized, changed, fixed, re-set, refreshed. Stop running and start planning.

This is for YOU.

Praise and Blame

2010-11-24T00:35:00.001-05:00

It's humbling to know that not everyone approves of me and what I have to say, how I think, what I wear, what I look like, how I present myself, my life's decisions, etc. etc. etc. etc. et-fucking-cetera. You know it? I thought.. Is it humbling, does it make me re-think and re-design my plan for living? Is it a reality check that should somehow wake me up? Is it a slap in the face, like here TammyJ you cocky bitch... take that!? I have to ask myself if it really matters in the bigger scheme of things that I can't please everyone... and then I ask if I really care. I thought it was just common sense that I would not make you and you and you and you happy. Actually, I wasn't even trying. Because if I was trying, I would make everyone happy- cause that's just how fucking good I am. It's funny how some people think that because they don't agree with me, I am somehow affected by this... wow. really? You really feel that a total stranger can have an impact on my 31 years of life's experiences? You must know something I don't about my own life. You are flattering yourself. All I see is that you simply don't know much about anything. Period. Because if you had any sort of sense in that bird brain of yours, you would know that giving advice to someone who doesn't ask you for it, is bad manners. Thinking that your advice and knowledge applies to someone you don't even know is ridiculous. Offering your words of wisdom to a person that is already wise shows you have no class, and we can further question just how wise you really are at that point too. Teaching is an intricate skill. When you can master that, you have my attention. It's not what you say, it's how you say it, your approach, your way. What is your precise method for proving your insight? What do you offer? It's like handing me a bunch of bird seed telling me to gain muscle with it. It's for the birds, does me no good.

Getting back to the disapproval of others... See, as young people we often try so hard to fit in and be like everyone else- wearing all the latest trends that we spend ridiculous amounts of money on, when if we were smart we would know they are worthless material objects of absolutely no value. These things yield temporary satisfaction but mean so much to our status and how we appear to others. It is a fake attraction yet we base so much on these things. For some reason we are afraid of rejection, as if it were a bad thing. What is rejection? Is it praise or blame? Both or neither? I see rejection as a source of motivation and FUEL. I like being rejected because usually the people who reject me are people I don't care to be accepted by anyway. And if they reject me, they reject the very being that I am, all that I am as a person. That is horrible! Who wants to be accepted by those types of people anyway? You wanna reject me because I don't look or think like you? Good. You will have a hard time in life if you only surround yourself with people that are like you. You limit yourself in so many ways, financially, mentally, physically, spiritually. Good, more for me. But I take this rejection and I put it to good use- I use it to make me move. It powers me like nothing else, it recharges my battery and brings color to my life.

But most of us try and try to fit in, fighting most of our lives to do so until, in the end, we surrender to the inevitable fact that we all have our own set of ideas with which we evaluate life. Our ideas do not always match up with others. We won't always fit in. So many times we get angry and hurt when others reject our thoughts, tell us no, or disapprove. I guess we just want a perfect world of happy little people who all float around agreeing on fake attractions, yes? Does that sound good? Well it's not going to happen. He said, she said, and nothing fucking matters in the end anyway. All that matters is how we live today, do we feel good about who we are and what we do and what we stand for... are we raising our children to love and learn from others, to not judge but to accept differences and embrace this as the standard? Are we not only teachers, but are we also students? Do we practice what we teach?

The back and forth, the good and bad, the approval and disapproval is a part of everyone's life. My sense of well-being does not rely on what you or you think about me, it relies entirely on how I let you affect me, how I react and respond. I know that I will not make everyone happy, I have accepted this, I am ready for you to compliment me or reject me and both will make me stronger. For every high there is a low. (I learned this from my days of getting wasted!) I will feed from both ends of the spectrum of praise and blame and I will come out with MORE. Many of you have contributed to my future, whether you know it or not, and I hope I can do the same for you in some small way at some point, but even if I don't, I don't care! hahaha! So teach me, I am ready to learn, thank you for sharing and fuck you for rejecting me. Thank, fuck, it's all the same.

2010-11-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

Taboo

2010-10-26T23:25:00.003-04:00

The latest entry is further down the page titled, "Taboo". It was started a few days ago and saved as a draft and so posted below the photographs. I will most likely revise, as I have done at times in the past. I do this because I reflect and come up with new ideas and thoughts, and at times I implement feedback and response.

To my boys...

To My Sponsors...

2010-10-24T19:53:00.003-04:00

I would like to thank you all for contributing to my journal, to my efforts, and for showing your amazing dedication to me over the years. You are all very special and unique individuals to me, who have taken an interest in my life, my sport, and the world of Female strength.

I do not plan to make this website or this journal like any other female athlete's- not now not ever. I do not compare myself to others, and I live by my own set guidelines and rules. I do not feel pressure to accomodate or satisfy anyone, but live to remain separated from the expected or normal demands set forth by those that follow rather than lead. As a part of who I am, I naturally care to be good to others as they are to me. This place will always remain unique to me and serve to complement my personality, depicting years of struggle and sacrifice, experience and progress. It will be what it always has been, an evolving story of my life as I travel through time becoming more and more aware of myself and others along the way. I do what I can with this home of mine given the time and tools available to me. I do not care to make this into a membership based monthly paid website as I have seen as the standard, but prefer to promote an environment of freedom, where each person here is, on their own free will, sponsoring a National level bodybuilder, athlete, Woman, writer, Mother... Tammy Jones.

Please let me know that you did read this and that you do have access into the journal.

I would love to hear suggested material such as ideas for photos or topics of discussion for journal entries. I will begin to post short video clips as I can, when I am able. I am not sure exactly how this website will develop in the years to come but I can assure you that it will always be interesting, stimulating and provoking.

The next entry will discuss a couple of fundamental and taboo issues in Women's competitive bodybuilding.

Thank you again.
X out my freakies!

Misc Photos- October 2010

2010-10-23T21:40:00.004-04:00

My personal physician... and valued friend.

Shopping Mall in Atlanta 15 Oct 2010

What a cute couple if I do say so myself.

Nationals in Atl. 15-16 October, Hyatt Regency Downtown

Working from home.

My daughter Allison Paige and my trainer, who won/ TOOK his Pro card at Atlanta Nats.

Allison and Ava Cowan, Pro

Homeless cat in Atlanta at gas station.... yes, I do have a heart.

I gave my bowl of lean ground beef so this kitty could fill its belly.

Somehow I ended up raiding the vending machine on the road trip.

Closest friend Carole- road trips are always fun with good company. Don't ask why I didn't fly this time. Ok, well if you must know... it was because we got there faster than flying with all the fucking security measures and shit nowadays at the airport. WAAAAY cheaper too.

Victory was won here. I defeated that machine. Don't ever try to take my money... I always win!

Mom, mom, and baby. My Mother is amazing.

OFF SEASON 190-192lbs.

Cute.

Taboo

2010-10-22T14:38:00.006-04:00

Over the years various readers of this journal have contacted me asking why as a sensible and responsible Woman and Mother I would choose to take anabolic steroids. I have asked myself the same question many times.

First of all, to simple minded people steroids are simply 'drugs', to be classed with all other illegal drugs as part of the national 'War on Drugs'. This is a gross misconception. Steroids were developed for legitmiate medicinal applications, not as recreational compounds such as Ecstacy. What is essentially the difference between administering steroids to a sick patient to make him or her stronger, thus improving their health, in a medical context, and an already healthy athlete taking steroids to further enhance her fitness? In both cases an informed adult is making a conscious choice knowing that there are both benefits and potential side effects. Where is the ethical issue? Most condemned 'drugs' have no health and fitness benefits at all, such as alcohol, heroin, and crystal meth.

Part of the taboo surrounding steroids is because they are so effective in doing exactly that, in making already fit and healthy people stronger and fitter, in enhancing athletic performance, in making already good people better, which to some means giving an unfair advantage. But there are always unfair advantages in any physical contest, from genetic differences to differences in wealth enabling athletes to pay for better or worse nutrition and coaches. You could say that Ussein Bolt has an unfair advantage as a sprinter because his legs are much longer than anyone else's.

It is human nature to make use of every advantage available in order to win. The same applies to war. Would you say that the US Military is cheating because they are making use of every scientific and technological advantage available to them, every new breakthrough they can come up with, in order to gain the upper hand over their opponents and win wars? In all areas of human life, from war to business to sport, we see that once a scientific improvement has been discovered everyone wants in on it. And those who do not buy into it get left behind and lose the war, go out of business, or are unable to compete at the highest levels- LOSING. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser: they play to win all the time. In the case of anabolic steroids it is a widely known fact that in more and more sports, with bodybuilding leading the way, it is all but impossible to remain competive at the highest level without the use of some form of supplementation, given that almost everyone else is taking them.

Steroids convert to testosterone which is naturally occuring in the human body in both men and Women. Women produce a much smaller amount but it is still there. So by taking steroids we are simply adding to what we produce already. What is the big fucking deal here? Ok. I get it... some people are not educated on the subject and yes, there is always abuse with anything that makes people feel or look good, but if you apply it correctly it can enable you to enrich your life, your success, and fuflil your full potential. Yes, steroids are known for increasing muscle mass, improving endurance in sport and so on, but what seems to be forgotten is that they also work to improve various other elements of health and well being such as bone strength (including preventing osteoporosis), enhancing libido and an overall sense of well being in older people.

Another argument for steroids is that while they enhance performance for competitve athletes, they simulataneously improve the experience for the spectators. Sports are more exciting now that athletes are using them. All around we are better with steroids: harder, faster, stronger. Sports are a major part of American entertainment, and you know that it just isn't the same looking at a natural female bodybuilder compared to one who is enhanced. All super heroes suddenly became way freakier and more fun to look at when they grew in size and strength. Popeye was on steroids! Come on, now you know that he wasn't all natural. Nobody can get guns like that with just spinach. We never saw him eat protein!!! Greens don't fucking cut it like that! I knew he was doing drugs the very first time I laid eyes on him, yet I never judged him. I looked at it this way: if he wants to win Olive Oil he better do something, and fast. If he wants to use steroids to build big arms for whatever reason, I support him fully. It's his choice, it's his life. He has to live it. And you know what? Olive Oil loved him just the same. He ALWAYS won didn't he? Now, because I feel men should be frail and weak, I think it should have been the other way around in that particular cartoon- Olive Oil being the Dominant muscularly built character! Do you remember that episode? But as we see in the movies and in professional sports, the bodies that are chemically enhanced are the ones that recruit the most attention and respect. The freaks that do MMA are amazing to look at, and to not use drugs to win is insanity. It's wrong not to do what we know can make us better.

But back to where I was, nothing is wrong with making good people better. Nothing wrong with creating super heroes, building better athletes, progressing in medicine and performance and overall human improvement. To not use steroids is WRONG. How about this... if we wanna judge and get all personal and give opinions, I think all adults should take them and find out for themselves what it's like. Once you get that super power, you will never look back. It's like losing your virginity. Having sex is considered "wrong" in certain situations, but not in all. And once you do it, you wanna keep doing it because it is good. It is fun, explosive, addicting- the feeling of an orgasm is hard to describe, much like the feeling I get when I know my body is changing and growing bigger and stronger. It blows my mind how people can frown upon steroids yet engage themselves in other forms of unethical behavior. So cheat on your spouse, beat your kids, evade your taxes, abuse prescription pills, lie and steal, engage in religious hypocrisy, smoke tobacco knowing it harms yourself and others around you, walk right past a homeless person and think nothing of it, being stingy with your wealth... everyone does something that is considered wrong, so shut the fuck up about steroid use. Yes, I said it... shut the fuck up.

So, there are many strong reasons for both athletes and ordinary people to take steroids to improve their physical condition and performance. What are the best reasons against taking them, to weigh against these? First and foremost, long term use of steroids in very large doses can cause serious damage to various bodily systems, including the heart, liver and kidneys. This is no laughing matter, and needs to be known and understood by anyone who is considering doing steroids. It is not, however, a price that has to be paid for steroid use. The keys are knowledge and moderation: being properly informed of the possible adverse medical effects of each individual compound and avoiding excessively heavy use. The second of these applies to everything we consume. Vitamin C supplementation is a good thing, but massively overdosing will turn you yellow. Milk is good, but drink two gallons a day and you'll end up with high cholesterol. Even water, the most essential of all the things we consume, will drown us if we overdose on it. The trouble with steroids, the temptation, is to take them to such excess as to endanger long term health, either from ignorance or from a short-term way of thinking. In my own case, I have learned to take only what I need in order to give me an edge, relying chiefly on good nutrition, good genetics, years of knowledge and experience, and hard work in the gym, for most of my physique.

This said, it is increasingly becoming possible to replace failing organs, through transplants, machines (for the heart, not yet the liver), and, above all, stem cell technology. As such medical procedures become widely available and affordable, the worst long term effects of heavy steroid use, as of many other 'drugs', will inevitably appear less severe than in the past. At the same time, new classes of steroid-like compounds are being developed that promise to have few, if any, of the adverse side-effects associated with heavy steroid use, including the 'Specific Androgen Receptor Modulators' (SARMs). Sooner or later medical science will succeed in devising steroids that provide all the ladders without any chutes, at which time the whole 'why risk your health?' argument will be gone out the window.

I have already dealt with the argument that for a competitive athlete to take steroids is cheating. This may have been half-true twenty years ago when Ben Johnson was stripped of his Olympic medal, maybe not everyone in that race was on steroids, but today it's probably not true even of track and field, and certainly not true of high level bodybuilding. All the contestants are doing it, so it's a level playing field in that respect. The complexity of steroids, the self-discipline, advanced knowledge, experience, required to use them effectively yet fairly safely, introduces a whole unseen element into the competition, so that the winner is - or ought to be - the Woman who not only has the best genes, has worked the hardest and smartest in the gym, has dieted the most strictly, but the Woman who has taken the trouble to get the best scientific knowledge in the field of supplementation, or has found out the best trainer with this knowledge. This should actually work in favor of the image of bodybuilding, helping to dispel the public perception that because we have great bodies we must somehow automatically have dumb brains. The training and nutrition involved in bodybuilding make it already a sophisticated science, and the added element of steroid supplementation adds to this, should leave no one in any doubt that the contest-winning heavyweight bodybuilder knows far more about the human body than the average person. 'A healthy mind in a healthy body', and a contest-winning body requires a mind that is strong-willed, disciplined and smart.

Most of this is applicable to steroid use by both men and Women, but what about the specifically female experience with steroids? It is a fact that all anabolic steroids convert to testosterone, which is the male hormone, though, as I said before, does occur naturally in Women too. Most Women who take steroids do so because they want to benefit from the anabolic (muscle-building) properties, while accepting some of the androgenic (virilizing) properties as an inevitable side effect. With some Women of course, it is the opposite, they are wanting to become men, taking testosterone prior to and/or after undergoing 'gender-reassignment surgery'. But I am not writing about them here. For the competitive female bodybuilder, the challenge is to maximize the anabolic benefits of steroids while minimizing the androgenic effects, so as to remain essentially feminine, thereby getting the best of both worlds: enjoying all the attractions and advantages of being a Woman while stealing the one real advantage traditionally enjoyed by men. It sounds too good to be true, and many men - and even Women - hate this idea with a passion, that a Woman can have it all. This is exactly what interests me. I want more than what I was born with, I want more than the next competitor, and I want more than what men are naturally born with and feel is "theirs" to have forever without sharing.

With today's technology, it is certainly a big challenge, for a Woman. For a male bodybuilder it is relatively simple, he only really needs to worry about the serious medical effects of long term heavy use, as long as he is willing to put up with such non-medical possible side-effects as acne, hair loss and mood swings. The androgenic effects are as desired by many men as the anabolic effects. For the Woman who wants to preserve her femininity, to build her body while remaining unmistakably female, it is a whole lot more complicated. She needs to develop a much better understanding of steroids, of exactly what each available compound does, which ones are more anabolic and which more androgenic. She should also be prepared to spend money on cosmetic surgery to rectify the effects on the surface of her body that she will still experience, no matter how careful she is, if she is going to take enough supplementation to really grow BIG. This is often what people are getting at when they ask me, and other female bodybuilders, why we do it. The answer is simple: this is the price we are willing to pay, if absolutely necessary, to get the body we want, though we are always looking for better ways to minimize and correct these side-effects. Steroids are like most things in life that confer great benefits: the price paid for them is not measured only in money. Look at the sun: it's free, it's essential for our lives, it's a very good and wonderful thing, but in the short term it can cause sunburn and in the long term skin cancer. We accept this, but we also take precautions to limit the risk of getting these and we develop treatments to heal and cure these conditions if we do get them.

For the competing female bodybuilder, it is on the stage itself that things get most complicated in relation to steroids. The judges, and the general public, know and fully accept that the top male contestants are all doing steroids more or less heavily, and judge them purely according to the size, definition and symmetry of their physiques, with no reference to their faces or how 'manly' they look overall. The guy may have the ugliest face in the contest, but if he's bigger, more ripped, more symmetrical, than the competition, he can reasonably expect to take the title.

Sadly, as the sport stands at the present time, at least in the amateur contests, this is not true for Women. The judges, most of them men even in Women's shows, are looking for other things in adddition to the muscular development of the contestant. Though they will never officially admit it, the NPC is running Women's beauty pageants masquerading as pure bodybuiling contests. Time and again I see the Woman with the best developed body lose out to a Woman who is smaller, less shredded, but with a face many would consider prettier, and is therefore more 'marketable', will sell more magazines etc. This is bad enough in itself, but it's made worse by the fact that the true judging criteria in the Women's sport, the secret criteria, seems always to be changing, like a fashion.

What is needed are shows in which Women are judged exclusively by Women, judges who have themselves been competitors, and in which they are judged exactly as the men are judged, according to nothing but the muscular development of their bodies. I am speaking out here on behalf of the sport of female bodybuilding as a whole, not chiefly for my own self, as I am more than able to hold my own in the looks department against anyone else out there. In the heavyweight division especially, a bigger, more massive contestant should never lose out to a smaller Woman, provided her definition and symmetry are at least as good. It is a travesty of the whole concept of bodybuilding to call it a heavyweight bodybuilding contest and then deny her the title becausse she is 'too big'. They can only get away with it because it's all so subjective and unquantifiable. It's not like a race, where it would be impossible to deny the fastest runner the gold medal because she 'ran too fast', or a boxing match where the knock-out didn't count because she hit her opponent too hard. In Women's bodybuilding, the judges can always come up with some excuse as to why the Woman who clearly came in biggest, hardest, most ripped, did not walk off with the title. And they wonder why top competitors are walking away from this sport at such a high rate...

So in summary, bodybuilding sucks. It is the only sport at which the athlete is unsure of exactly how to fucking win. We can only hope that if we bring the best package possible by definitions set for the male competitors we will be judged in the same way. We try to look at the past winners and see what they got right, but every year it seems to be a different look that is valued. There was a time when the most juiced up Female won... there was a time when the most muscle was rewarded, the most shredded physique got the title. A time when bodybuilding was not competing against figure and fitness and bikini divisions... what we have now is a half-assed business FAILING. And again we can blame it all on MEN. Because Women's bodybuilding has no set rules and regulations very few wish to engage in such a loose sport, and organizations are grasping at straws, trying everything to recover. That is why the other divisions have been created. If somebody, anybody, could just take the sport of Female physique and create a different business model, promote it correctly and engage with the competitors it could thrive. It has yet to be done, but is very realistic with the right people in the right places.

Journal Admission Fee

2010-10-12T23:15:00.003-04:00

I am working on a few new entries for the journal. I am also heading out of town to attend Nationals in Atlanta this weekend. When I return, I will only open the journal for those that "support" me through the form of simple monetary offerings.

I would like to see just how special I am to you... what does my journal mean to you? Have I helped you, have I made an impact on your life at all? Do I deserve a tip? Should I reap any sort of benefit here? Or is it all about you, and what you can get from me?

I am not sure for how long I will lock my journal page down, or if I will at all ever open it back up publicly. I just need to see how selfish my readers are...

Nothing against those that support me through appreciation and love and prayer and blah blah fucking blah... but I believe every one of you can and should send me money. It's called common sense, decency and above all sacrifice. DO IT. I will check my paypal account frequently for your fucking money.

If you are reading even just this journal entry, it means you found me and I am interesting enough to get your attention, you are deriving some sort of pleasure or guidance or inspiration, motivation, whatever... you know exactly what I am talking about and exactly what you need to do.

And you can blab all day about me trying to make money off you, and you would be fucking right. I deserve it, so pay me. My paypal address is the same as my email so now you know what to do. Any amount over $20 will get you back into my journal.

And yes, I do have big fucking balls.

Superior- Part II

2010-10-07T00:07:00.001-04:00

I was recently contacted by a reader who mailed me about my 'Superior' journal entry from May of this year, telling me how disturbing he finds the idea of the re-engineering of the human body and of the changes in human society which that will entail. He concluded: 'Hope you agree that the ramification[s] to genetic engineering go well beyond which sex will be made physically stronger than the other. You are raising a child, at least one for now. If she or they are going to be living in a world with this kind of power you need to be thinking this through now. Not only for her sake but for all of ours.' \ To him, and to all the other men who feel similar concerns and fears but do not have the courage to express them, I say this: in that part of that entry I was not giving you my personal blueprint for the future of our society. I was not claiming to possess the power personally to produce this state of society, but I do appreciate the way you seem to give me that credit, almost ascribing that power to me, as if you are trying to persuade me to back off. As if I were some omnipotent being who decides the future of humanity. I was in fact doing nothing more than sharing with you my insights into the fundamental nature, and the past and the future, of the relationship between Women and men. It is like when the weather Woman on TV tells You that a hurricane is on the way. She does not know exactly when it will make landfall or how strong it will be when it does: she is simply sharing with you the information that this is what is coming your way. Would you then contact her saying, 'You need to be thinking this through now...for all our sakes'? Do you believe that it is she who is sending the hurricane, or that it is in her power to stop it if she wanted to? You offer, as your alternative idea of the future, the highly enlightening and eloquent and well-argued description, 'Same shit, different day'. I say to you that the only way to understand the future is by understanding both the past and the present. You will then see that the only constant is change, that you are totally mistaken if you imaginine that even simple systems do or should stay the same, even more so, one as complex and dynamic and alive as human society. Sometimes the pace of change is faster, sometimes slower, but things are always evolving. Even things which may seem to you to be permanent and unchanging are usually not. Do you know that the moon is every day moving further away from the Earth, that every day the Atlantic Ocean is getting wider, the global ocean level rising, the Sun itself losing weight every second of every day? Are you seriously proposing that the human species should or could stop evolving, when it is in fact evolving faster now than at any other known period, even without the benefits of genetic engineering? Did you know that the average height and weight of an eighteen year old Woman a hundred years ago were significantly less than they are now, and that every year they are increasing, simply through better nutrition? It is natural for any species to be evolving, as ours always has been, but our species is unique on this planet in that we now have technology. The development of agriculture thousands of years ago (itself involving an indirect type of genetic engineering, in the form of artificial selection) kicked off a greatly accelerated rate of change in human physical and social evolution. Two hundred or so years ago came the Industrial Revolution, which has progressively led to the improvement of the position of Women in relation to men, as more advanced machines and science strip men of the advantages they once enjoyed by virtue of nothing more than the quirk that Nature had given them more testosterone. This change in human society, unprecedented in its speed, is far from over: it is in fact accelerating with every year. No person has the power to stop it, as it is a great collective force, like a mighty river, like the tide coming in. Yes, it is opening Pandora's Box, but we have been doing that for a long time and this is simply the next and most powerful chapter in that old story, which is the human story itself. Whether you personally are comfortable with it or not, the rapidly developing science of genetics, and biotechnology generally, is going to revolutionize individual and collective human life in the Twenty First Century far more even than nuclear science and IT did in the later Twentieth. Throughout human history we see that a technology, once invented, does get used. That's why it was developed in the first place. No sooner were nuclear weapons invented than they were used, and they will probably be used again. But with biotechnology we are talking about a science not intended for war, nor for any sort of harm, but for the improvement of human beings, initially in a medical context. It is basic to human nature to seek to improve ourselves, and here is an extremely powerful new way to do that, for which, as it becomes increasingly commercially available, the demand will be huge. The forces of the market economy will make the commercial opportunities irresistible to those who want to make money, just as with the automobile a century ago. It is unlikely that any amount of government regulation is going to change any of this, just as it does not stop people from producing and trading in unlawful drugs. You write, 'I realize that you see this as but one of the keys to the world becoming controlled by Women. That appears to be the only prism by which you see this brave new world through.' Not so. My entry was not about the huge subject of biotechnology, it was about Female Superiority, and it was in that context that I touched briefly on this subject. Biotechnology is going to change this world in a vast number of ways, and is already doing so, first through agriculture (GM wheat), then with non-human animals (bioluminescent mice), and now we are becoming able to genetically re-engineer the human body. It is not a frivolous game, a bunch of mad scientists and sociologists 'playing God': it is about the human urge for power over Nature, most especially our own bodies, and for self-improvement. Nothing is more inevitable than that the parent who today spends money on getting her daughter good nutrition, good dentistry, a good education, will, once the option is available, buy into whatever other advantages science can offer, from the moment of conception. Already it is possible to choose the gender of the baby: much more will follow. Technologies being developed initially for the treatment and prevention of disease will also be applicable to wellness, to the positive improvement of an already healthy individual. Humans are just beginning to acquire the power to directly re-form our bodies, both inside and out, from the level of the DNA and cell up to the level of the whole body, and beyond that the society at large. The question is not whether this can happen, or should happen, or will happen: it is happening. The question is where it is going to lead us. And I admit, nobody knows for sure the answer to that question, in all its many aspects, for human and all other forms of life. Yes, there are many risks, and some things will inevitably go wrong, as with any new technology. People get killed today by automobiles, but should we therefore revert to the horse and buggy, and, more relevantly, is that a realistic prospect? However, in the specific context about which I was writing, of the power balance between Women and men, we can look at human nature, at human history, at present trends, and from all that we can form a pretty clear idea of where we are going. I happen to want to go there and intend to benefit from these developments, you don't. So what? You can't fight the future. Either go with the flow, or drown. When things change there are always those who embrace and benefit from that change, and those who resist and deny it until they find themselves left in the dust.
My entry had nothing to do with any ethical debate. It was simply a brief examination of some of the main ways in which Women have been, are, and will be Superior to men. If I'd been writing a hundred years ago saying that during that century Women were going to get the vote, You'd probably have felt very disturbed by that idea too; or if I'd said that one day Women would be CEOs of leading corporations, officers in the US military, Senators and State Governors. What You seem not to understand is that the balance of power between the two sexes in any given society is never static, is always changing in one direction or the other. Sometimes that change is so slow it's hard to notice. For the last century or so in our society, meaning the Americas, Europe and much of the rest of the world, the direction of change has been constantly in favor of Women and the pace of change has been growing faster and faster, is becoming exponential. The burden is on you to identify the force which is going to stop or even reverse this great development. Do you think that your fears are going to make any difference? Will your fears stop this from happening? You do not control these things, and will probably never even get to vote on most of the 'issues' of biotechnology. As your generation dies out you will be replaced by a generation of men who accept this as normal. You express concern about the 'unfair' advantages those whose genetics have been enhanced will possess over those who have not benefited in this way. Life is unfair. Some people today get to go to good schools, some don't. Some are born with good genetics, some aren't. It's never been a level playing field and never will be, not even under Communism. Some individuals and groups will always enjoy advantages not available to others. You are mistaken to think that genetic improvement will only be possible at the very start of a human life: gene therapies and other forms of biotechnological therapy will enable even the elderly to improve their physical condition and their lives overall. I fully intend for my grandchildren and later descendants to enjoy the best of whatever is available in their time. Nothing is more right and natural than for us to wish the next generation to enjoy whatever benefits technology can offer them during their lives. We call that Progress. By your argument, all those scientists who worked on coming up with a vaccine for smallpox a century ago should have said to themselves instead, 'If we can't benefit from the final breakthrough in our own lifetimes, we don't want the first generation that does to enjoy an advantage we never got to enjoy. ' It is such a selfish and short-term way of thinking. You are thinking in terms of individuals only, not about Humanity. Male-dominated societies are destroying our world, still to this day repressing Women at home while ruining the natural environment, have been doing so for far too long, and the writing is now at last on the wall: 'You are weighed in the balances and found wanting. Your kingdom will be delivered up to the Women.' By the end of your fucked up email.....You eventually come around to both agreeing that what I am describing will come to be, and admitting you are filled with fear. You need to learn how to accept and be comfortable with what you cannot prevent. Learn how to enjoy and submit to the future. To do anything else is negative and unproductive. Learn to let go of all that you fear to lose, and thank you for sharing your fears. I know this is a taboo subject and it must be hard for you to think, let alone talk, about it. There are many who feel as you do, you are not alone. When you feel uncomfortable thinking about this aspect of the Future, keep in mind that there is a role for men there as well as Women. Women will always want men to be there, it will just be a different (and still evolving) balance of power from today. Women will always need to have their toilets and showers scrubbed, and we will always need to be serviced sexually. A man’s proper place will always be on his knees, hard at work for the Woman.
I enjoy doing what little I can to help men adjust to and embrace Female Superiority, so long as they are always respectful and willing to learn.
There are men right now helping me make this an even faster reality.

I'm Scared... Please Don't Do This!

2010-10-05T23:51:00.004-04:00

My next entry will be posted tomorrow and this one is for you...

Thank you for feeding me. Because of you and others like you, I will one day be a self-made multi-millionaire.

Seattle

2010-09-30T00:09:00.004-04:00

Just got back into town from a long ass flight from Seattle. Damn, I hate traveling. I hate it. I hate the waiting. I hate the lines. I hate the people. Lots of hate huh? Ok, well I guess I should say I despise it then. To hate is not good. But am I trying to be good? No. I really despise being cramped up with people I don't know, being forced to make small talk and forced to look at them for long durations of time. I hate (I need more words) smelling people and having to be so close that I touch them. I do not like my personal space being invaded, and being on an airplane is the all time worst for these situations. I mean where else is there that you have to put up with the most uncomfortable positions? It's a place I can actually experience all of my pet peaves and disgusts in one setting- the one place I can get most aggravated in the least amount of time and space.

You got fat people that breathe heavy taking up all the room, as if there was plenty to spare. Not so prejudice against that fat they carry, as they way they ACT. My business is about helping overweight people, so I am sympathetic to an extent, but when they don't want to help themselves, that is where I get disgusted. In other words, I can easily say it is not fatness that makes me cringe, it is the LAZINESS that accompanies it. FAT sends many distinct messages.

But back to the flight... fat people bumping me, pushing me, breathing and eating all sloppily... drives me nuts. And when you have so many fat people, it really is sad. And to top it all off, fat people that actually think they can get away with snirling say... at a crying baby, a stewardess that isn't moving fast enough (as if you could move faster), another passenger for needing to go the bathroom during the flight, making them have to move... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You fat mo-fo.... you are lucky we are allowing your big ass to ride in the plane to start with. You are the reason we gotta pay extra nowadays as your heavy weight is causing us to use more fuel to haul your big ass to the destination. You need to pay for two tickets or supersize your purchase like you do your fries at McDonalds, because your fucking body is halfway in my seat! You need two seats, and you wanna complain? Get the fuck outta here. And if you even think of shooting me some dirty look because you don't "agree" with my muscle, with me being a female bodybuilder, I will yell out so fucking loud some shit you aint never heard that will embarrass you so bad, you will think about every fucking move you make from here until the day you die. Yeah, there are people like me and some crazy bitches too. Like, when you gave that look and how about you do that to someone that's not all there and they shoot your ass. Ever watch the news? You better be careful twinkie eater- never know what this economy and hard-pressed people will do when their mental well-being is not quite right.

You got old people that wanna take a million years to get from here to there because they have nowhere else to be, have gotten so used to moving at a snails pace they don't know when to put a rush on things, and their particular ways about every little thing that just doesn't matter is so monotonous and needs to change. I beg you now... while you are young.. hear these words and remember them as you age: Be considerate of people, be considerate of time, be respectful and polite, be AWARE of your surroundings. I am about as patient as I can be for stupidity. I am not talking about elderly people in serious need of assistance either-- I am speaking merely of the old people that want to haggle and complain and take their sweet ass time just because they fucking can. They use their age as an excuse for everything, as a way to take advantage. Listen, you will be gone soon. You will not miss the time you wasted holding up traffic while you read your map, or the time you lost while you obliviously stared at the Starbucks menu screen behind the counter that you could have been doing when you were waiting for the other ten people in front of you. You know who will miss that time? The rest of us younger folk, that's who. You take up MY TIME with your stupid, selfish ways. If you don't know directions, don't know what to order, can't see something, FINE. There is nothing wrong with that- but kindly MOVE OUT OF THE WAY while you figure it out, while you ask for assistance. And don't be a cranky bastard either. YOU are at the mercy of more capable people, and that is obvious as you age. You now have to rely on and be grateful for the help you receive, so be nice. Who the hell wants to help an old, miserable, sarcastic human being? You didn't come in this world that way... and nobody deserves to deal with your bitter self as you leave this world. So because you are not happy, the rest of us have to suffer for all the choices and decisions you made in your aging process?

So now I have knocked the old and the fat. I will move on to the Mothers, Women, whores, whatever. The airplane is not a place to wear high heels and the loudest, strongest perfumes you own. You may like the smell, but I do not. And most people do not want to be stuck next to someone that reeks of perfume, I don't care if the scent is enjoyable. It's too much. Lay off. And to the girls/ Women that think it's ok to act raunchy and slutty with your boyfriend/husband in public- are you serious? I had to sit behind a Woman and man that were making out almost the entire flight- 5 hrs and 15 minutes. They fell asleep once or twice but when they woke, back to the kissing again. I am not sure what the deal was. I ignored them as much as possible except that every time they went at it, my TV viewing pleasure was affected because it was on the back of her seat. At the end of the flight I can honestly say that calling her a whore gave me great pleasure. And since I have gone back and revised this entry (as I often do from a few responses), I will say that you can be in love and be passionate about someone without being excessively disruptive to society by doing so. It is improper to make out in public to such an extent. There is a time and place for everything, and the tight quarters of a plane, is not it. BAD manners.

Now Mothers... please for the love of whatever God is out there- discipline your children. Teach them manners. Train them to be respectful and quiet in public places. I could go on and on about the subject of raising children, but I will leave that for another entry. It would take far too long here. The main idea is that every Woman needs to go to school, attain a license or some sort of degree to be allowed to have a baby/become a parent. Parents posess the "Power" to tame children and guide them to adulthood, where they will need to conform to to their surroundings. As it stands right now, airports and airplanes are public places where many types of people go to travel. Maybe one day it will come to be that the more fortunate will travel in private jets... but for now, we all have to share public transportation. Careful consideration and best possible public etiquette is desired here, so here is where parenting becomes essential. Practice in this environment, how to isolate bad manners, make the corrections necessary by using examples in this setting and help them for life!

The two flights going up to Seattle were fine. The two coming back were horrendous. I know I am such a bitch when it comes to dealing with people, because I just don't understand their actions. I sit and observe and think and try to realize that we are all different, brought up in different ways... but it just doesn't satisfy the need to try and correct things that are too easy to. You obviously don't care that you do what you do, either that, or you really just don't know you do it. And that is why bringing it up, hearing it from someone else may be a way for you to realize it and know it affects people around you.

I had a friend tell me that I don't appreciate certain things in my life. I argued (of course) that I appreciate EVERYTHING I am given or have worked hard to achieve. But then I saw another side- maybe even though I really do appreciate things, maybe it is not recognized by others that I do. Maybe they don't see my appreciation. So I need to express it more often or in other ways to show that I am thankful. I take nothing for granted, and so when I say that I love my child (as an example) I think that should suffice. But I am sure that my appreciation for her being in my life could be proven in more than just that way, as I could just as easily tell her I need her in my life the same as I say I Love You to her. I have pulled pictures out from the past years of my life, explaining to her that I am so much more fulfilled and my life has been enriched since she came into it, hoping that would create the visual needed to truly show my love and affection for her.

Live in daytight compartments... live for the minute- not the future, and not the past- because what matters is what you are doing right now. I am writing in this journal right now about people, knowing that I will be criticized for many things I say within it, past, present and future... but I know that by living minute to minute I do what I feel is right and criticism is (for the most part) a disguised compliment. Thank you for sending me unbiased, helpful, constructive analysis and disapproval. It is ok. There are ways of carefully giving advice and making solid, knowledgeable arguments and I can certainly appreciate the opportunity to learn and grow and become a better person with your thoughts. I don't assume many people like to be made to feel they are wrong, so going about making corrections is rather tedious. But if you are intelligent you can be successful at it, just as teachers and parents have to be careful with how they correct children, so as not to make them feel like a failure but encourage them to see other ways of doing things. I criticize people of all kinds, but in a sense I am reflecting on my own personal flaws, my negativity, my impatience for others, my temper and haste, my stubbornness, my strictness and my sometimes unwillingness to accept and comprehend that the differences among us, is what allows me the freedom to be who I am.

Peace out Niggers,
TJ

BLAME

2010-09-22T15:25:00.003-04:00

Aren't human beings just amazing? Ever wonder why very few people can own up to their own faults? To err is human, yet nobody embraces this. Nobody wants to accept that they make mistakes. Seems that most people just want to blame someone else when things go wrong as if that is somehow better than making the mistake itself. They lie their way out, never wanting to admit FAILURE. Why is that? So now not only have you done wrong, but you have lied too. How is making two mistakes better than making just the one you started with? Oh, because you think you can get away with the lie and nobody will ever know? Oh, and because your God will forgive you and save you? Excuses to get away with dirty shit. You really think that we can find murderers with a strand of hair, and send "men" to the moon, but can't tell a lie from the truth in simple situations? Give me a fucking break here.

People are too fucking proud. Too proud to admit fault, and too stupid to realize that we are forms of life that make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, we know this, we are taught this, yet we just can't seem to really grasp it. We try to be as close to perfect as possible in some cases, and when we fail, we simply cannot own up to it so we blame someone else. For whatever reason we do: It makes us feel better, we have too much ego, don't want to disappoint, can't accept that we worked hard and failed, afraid of rejection, have too much to lose... whatever. Bottom line is-- how is it ok to let someone else take the blame for your wrong-doing? How is it acceptable to treat another person in such a way that you rise to the top and they take the fall?

And so someone makes the stupid statement that we are only humans and that's what we do- we blame others, it's in our nature. I don't believe so... but hey, if this excuse works for you in that your argument is that humans make mistakes, well then we are both on the same page then fucker. Exactly my point. I think this is something we learn and have been programmed to do. After all, it has been a solution to many problems in the past, and we know it works because it is tried and true... some sources for continuation of this character trait is laziness- in that it is just easier to pass the buck, bad leadership, and the fact that we tend to look the other way instead of calling others out on it when it is proven.

So I am going to do just that here. Stop being lazy. If you do something wrong, don't blame someone else or lay back thinking your God is going to bail you out, bake some cookies for you and everything is ok. Your fucking religion is ridiculous. Just another way of allowing you to do whatever the hell you want with no accountability or fucking values whatsoever. What a dumb fuck you are. Your fucking God... what a great deal he is huh? What an inspiration. What great leadership! Hey, yeah, just do whatever the fuck you want and no consequences! Yay for us all! We will all go to your gold heaven now. Take responsibility for your own actions. Hold your own damn self accountable for screwing up, be real.

You get hurt and blame so and so. He broke my heart, she broke my wrist, they broke my bank. Shut up. Everyone but YOU did something wrong, right? Just like there are two sides to every story and a million ways to translate words, and a thousand maps to get to the same destination, hundreds of choices to make to get the same end result, there is not just one person to blame when something fails. That's not rocket science, that's obvious shit.

Just thought I would clarify that I will call you out, so you don't think you can walk through life fucking up other people's lives. I'll be the Mother you never had and correct you and teach you all the things you either never learned or fucking forgot along the way to being this half-ass adult. The choices you make today will be with you forever, don't forget. So hopefully you are living right. Right by whatever measure you believe in- God, your children, your parents, the law, humanity, or the deceased. But just because you will be forgiven doesn't give you a free ticket to do wrong.

Only the strong survive many many years, and survival is something that you work hard for. You don't take the easy way out shaking dirt on others to reach the top. You do things with integrity and stand firm on what you know to be right and good. Some would argue that it is not easy being manipulative and deceitful and lying and passing blame. It is rather stressful and strenuous to be a shitty human being. I would say to them then why do it? Trying to cover up lies and keep track of what you said here and there and acting stupid and immature. Being honest is easy to do but way harder if you have been so used to lying your way through. Being honest for some is the hardest thing there is to do.

Survival for some is doing whatever gets them what they want. Do what you gotta do is their motto... they are the ones that live under self restriction, guilt, and hide from everyone. Sell drugs to kids to pay the bills and feed your children, in that case it's ok right? Blame the government for not giving you enough opportunity... blame it on race and gender and culture... Lie about someone to get them fired so you get the position/ promotion... have sex with a number of men to make yourself feel accepted and then blame them later for your promiscuity, self worth, disease and pregnancy... hurt yourself in a public place and sue the owner for injury... fail a test in school and blame the teacher for not teaching you properly... get mad at the President for not fixing all America's problems when it took years to make them and you were part of the creation... You know what I mean, don't you? If you don't, then the shoes don't fit. You don't walk or act like a duck. What? Just fucking with ya there.

This journal entry was for whoever it applies to in my life and yours. Because there are haters everywhere. How do I know? Well, just as you hate on me, I do the same to you because for me revenge is the ultimate. You stab me in the back one time and I am gonna get you. And I love to watch people squirm and I love to compete and I love to win. And I will do whatever it takes to bring you down and strip you until you have nothing left. I won't make the first move. You fuck up I will put you right back in that box you came from and along the way I will bring you to complete submission. I am full of ideas and energy and resources you gotta know. I will get to work and put some things on blast for you. Now if that doesn't just defeat the purpose of this whole entry, I don't know what does. hahahaha, I love it.

2010-09-19T19:58:00.009-04:00

Ahhhhhhh, men at work for me. I fucking love it.

Ok, spread out why don't ya. New furniture feels good.

Just Add Muscle- sponsor. Thank you!

Going to school. Did I tell you that there is no better feeling that that ofbeing a Mother? Fuck the rest of the bullshit, this is where it's at!

Yes. I am loved.

I think I was doing my hair here.

My baby Charlie the Cat.

Love my cat. She follows me everywhere... or is it the other way around?

Damn she snuck in the photo again. Notice below, no cat!

Leap froggie leap.

My new truck. Yes, I am spoiled. But it's all my creation. You'll get it soon enough if you follow along.

New furniture, new jewelry, new car. What the fuck is going on?

SHOW OFF!

A little tipsy maybe??

Saturday morning workout gang.

Yee haw! Bend over young man.

BIG.

The car I thought I wanted.

Alli showcasing.

I fucking rock. You can hate all you want.

I was doing yard work- hahahaha- do you like my socks? I am the biggest nerd in the world.

Like Mother, like daughter.

2010-09-19T19:42:00.001-04:00

Support System

2010-09-05T23:04:00.002-04:00

Hey guys,

Sorry I have been slacking here lately. I suck. It's ok for me to say that but you can't. Bastards! Lots of stuff going on as always. I think I have told quite a few people off here recently and I will not apologize for it, just is what it is. I feel like this, if I don't like you I have nothing to gain or lose by telling you how I really feel. If I don't like you I just don't care. Matter of fact I rather enjoy pissing you off and making you not want to be around me because it rids me of extra trash, burdens I just don't need lingerng around me. See I live in my own little perfect world and you just don't fit in it. K?

I had some guy (yeah that's as much as I can remember about him-- some guy) tell me I should be thankful for the 'support' he gives, HE representing the fans of bodybuilding. He claims the sport of female bodybuilding has marginal popularity and us girlies should appreciate the true fans of the sport. I guess he said this because I wouldn't meet him for a date or what he called a "personal training session" a "session", well we all know what that means and I do not do them. Nothing against those that do, except I think it is wrong. And very stupid. Then again, rape him, humiliate him, torture him and take his money and it sounds like a pretty good time. If Women could do that, I could agree with the "sessions".

Anyway, since I hate ignorance, hate men, and REALLY hate ignorant men I feel I should blast this fuck face right here and now:

IGNORANT MEN, a serious combination...

If we dissect what he says we see that he believes female bodybuilding is not popular. Not popular with who? The mainstream? Well that's not rocket science. But If we google "female bodybuilders", "bodybuilding", "female muscle", we find tons of websites, pictures, articles, information, chat rooms, discussion boards- forums, videos, homage, tributes, contest results, etc... it's ridiculous how much shit is out there... now we could argue that he is incorrect in making this statement. But even if we did learn that it is not popular at all, so what? What does that have to do with me? I don't do this to be popular and I can place a bet that most of the other Women in this sport don't either. We could care less about being popular- I would even bet that the reason we do this is to be exactly the opposite of popular. We enjoy going against the grain, being different, we do not care to fit into what the mainstream likes and agrees with and accepts. We do not wish to be trendy, in style, normal, accepted, well-liked. DON'T CARE. Isn't that a bit obvious? And as you can see, even those that do like us (example here with this guy I mention) seem to think that they somehow control the way we feel and what we should be thankful for, somehow influence us. It's the other way aroumd jackass, don't forget it. I know that some Women have given men this undeserved power- like idiots- and that is why some of the more intelligent beings now have to reverse the damage.

But thanful for you liking me? Nah. I would rather leave it then take it. Thanks anyway though. My friends are true, YOU? Not so much. Anyone that says another should be thankful for their support needs to be put down.

I definitely do not believe you will ever make me popular either. You will bring this sport down, because you can flip like a switch. You wanna worship me one minute then you wanna disrespect me the next, and you think you are worth something to me and this sport? Really?

I just love how men... fans... supporters.. of this sport feel they can make that claim- you know, the claim that they are SUPPORTERS. How do you actually support? Do you support by appreciation or agreement of the work we put into our physiques? OK. I think I understand. It's all so clear to me now: Our sport stays alive because you like what we do and you 'support' us by silently liking what you see? How nice of you. I owe my life and career to you then. I owe the money in my bank account to you? So because you log onto the various websites and watch us, maybe even pay a $10-$20 membership fee we thrive.. right? No. The website owner makes that and you have an orgasm you cheap bitch. Let's get this straight- You jackoff (support, whatever) and I should appreciate you? Fuck you. You are an idiot. I could care less about you. Remember this wormlips: I PAY THIS SPORT. I don't make money from this. Nobody makes money competing. It's what we do outside this sport that pays our bills. And THAT is nothing you contribute to at all, so take your fucking $20 membership to this site and that for your own selfish reasons and shove it so far up your ass your mama feels it. FBB's don't see your money, the website owners do. So go tell those men that run the sites how thankful they should be for your business and fucking 'support'. Go tell them you wanna thank them for being able to shoot your load- you gay bastard. That money that you think is helping, contributing, sponsoring, keeping our sport alive, goes to everyone but the girls that deserve it.

The organizations that host bodybuilding shows and promote this sport take my money, they don't ever give. They don't make their money from you either, UNLESS you go to a show and sit in the audience, but I KNOW you don't. You wanna know how I know? Because if you did attend shows you would know a whole lot more than you do, you would respect a whole lot more, and you would know how the money thing works.

Your 'support' does me no fucking good dude. Hopefully this little tid bit of info, the most info you have gotten in all your years of "SUPPORT" will shut up your nagging. You don't do shit for me. You don't do shit for this sport piss ant.

Now on that note, I have missed writing in this journal! haha! Did I lose another fan? Did I lose more support? Did I miss out on some big opportunity? Some big thing that was going to set me up for life? I highly doubt it, and if I did, I wouldn;t want it from you anyway. So how many down and how many to go?

2010-08-31T23:33:00.004-04:00

Where's Waldo?

Look into my eye.

Come closer...

I dare you to say that to my face!

What a happy girl!! My love.

Whose biceps are bigger?

SHOW OFF.

YEAH.

What's up hater? I look good to ME. It's all that really matters right? Well... that and my future husband, but I tell him what to do and feel so... doesn't really count.

Ok, maybe hers are a little bigger! The before picture.

And the after picture. A growing girl has to eat!

Arrogant Beliefs

2010-08-20T19:17:00.001-04:00

In progress...

Next Time

2010-08-11T23:07:00.003-04:00

I have knowledge that I did not have before about myself and each day I get better. I look at these pics from the Southern States and I look back on my prep. My coach was amazing, excellent- couldn't ask for more. One man I give much respect to and that doesn't come easy for me. He guided me and motivated me every single day, usually I am the one doing this for everyone else. I now know what I could have done better and what I was hesitant to do, where I doubted myself a bit and how to tighten up my game. It is a fucking learning game but I am still playing until I get bored and/or it takes more than it gives. Bodybuilding does give back. For me personally, it is all about personal gain. It's about discipline and faith and dedication, possibly even worship to something bigger than myself. Sacrificing for? You can pick it apart however you do, but each has his own idea of what bodybuilding means. Bodybuilding does take and take, but we are prisoners of our own device right? haha! Gotta love The Eagles! Anyone know the song I am referring to, and what it was about? Made my own interpretation and I think I got it, but I have heard many different views on it.

Anyway, yes, I wanna challenge and beat some female ass on a stage, but at the end of the day I got this rockin body that gives me all I need. Do I still get my man on his knees? Do I still have his ass bent over, begging, and is he still humbly submitting and serving diligently every waking minute of every day? The answer is fucking YES. The sport gives me areas to improve upon and sets guidelines and timelines for doing so. It keeps me conscious of food and exercise and health. I really don't care what place you got, just as long as I look better this year than I did last year, and I do. I don't give a shit about what you and you say about steriod use, because it is in every fucking sport there is and every day professionals and experts in the field of health and medicine and sports are tapping into more and more medicine and practices to enhance physical and mental performance, appearance and health. You are no better than the next person. So go get your Botox and your Lipo and your Silicone and take your sleeping aids and anti-anxiety pills, anti-depression, and your relaxers, your Viagra and all the meds that keep you 'balanced'.

I don't represent the sport of bodybuilding well and I am aware, and I am not defined by this. I speak out my ass most days and I am not politically correct. I do not wish to do or be that. The representation of this sport is better left for those that can solely commit to it 110% every single day and I do not. They need to be able to walk the straight line and stay clean. Not me.

I am a Mother before anything else when I wake up and before I go to bed. The sport should spoken about positively and with professionalism at all times and I do not have that to give either. I have my ups and downs. And finally, let those that make a living from this represent because most of us are here for reasons other than $. We keep this sport alive by PAYING for it. We buy into it, giving it our money, not getting any. Bodybuidling for me anyway, is a vehicle for other things-- an outlet for expression, a way of forcing truths, fixing faults, conquering fears, gaining confidence, acquiring strength, releasing pressure and tension, finding faith, and explaining obsessions. It is a project that demands detail and requires guts to stand up for. I constantly have to remind myself and defend what I do because I feel a sense of guilt, a feeling of service and worship, I respect it with every fiber of my being and I am a slave to it.

It feels awesome to know that I have room to grow and fill out and expand in all areas of my life- Motherhood, physique, career, values, etc... how many can really say that they have that place to go to that allows for all this? Oh, that's right- which brings me to my next entry------- RELIGION!

Religion- Yes

2010-08-11T00:16:00.005-04:00

I am working on a new entry, one that will no doubt cause controversy and label me as a bi-polar, skeptical, crazy, nutcase that has some marbles loose. Some may come to the conclusion that I think or read too much or am too close-minded and arrogant. I may be viewed as wrong, bad, evil, unaware.... It's all ok. If that's the worse thing that happens to me in this life, fine by me. Everyone knows there are crazy people all around us and we also know that there is no such thing as normal. So now what?

The idea is to do research (an un-practiced concept for many), read, discover, connect, evaluate, learn who you are. Find your values and beliefs, through trial and error and mistakes, pushing boundaries, bouncing off and others, exchanging ideas- and try to lay it all out for more accurate understanding. I don't think anyone ever gets full meaning, complete and whole answers, the understanding of life such so far as what we can try to explain... It's challenging to comprehend what lies ahead- we have clues, we can use the past to deliver some answers (none that are certain), and create patterns to follow. But our beliefs, none of them are confirmed and it is faith alone that guides us each day.

Yes, I will share my views on everything in this journal, including religion and hate and love and faith and life and masturbation (had to sneak that in there) and bodybuilding. I always have promised to keep true to why I started this journal in the first place.

All the little rat boys that email saying that men are number 1 and in control, and dominate and rule the world, I hope when you eat your lunch today you choke on the smallest piece of food. Just choke, don't die on me now... I need you idiots to stay around and make me look good. I hope also that you have some sunshine wherever you live and that you look up to the sun and realize that your so-called 'power', your energy, your being, your very existence thrives from it and without it you would surely die. Tell your shit to the sun today and see how far you get. Worship that sun today idiot! Take that, stick it in your back pocket (common sense isn't going to cut it for you) and make good use of this knowledge. I hope one day you do "run into me" somewhere so you can see just how little you affect me and just how little you really are. Your stature, whether it be 145lbs or 265lbs, makes no difference, it's your little pea sized brain that makes you appear like an ant in a pile, mixed in among the rest, never noticed, and totally disregarded. I give you a little attention here (and that is why you email), because I am sure that you don't get much anywhere else or you wouldn't write me in the first place. Now go play with your balls.

The following entries will hopefully help me come to a solid (yet still open) conclusion about where I stand on my views on religion. I do this because at the present time my daughter is beginning to ask questions about this. She is curious and is being directed by many outside influences. She looks to me, her home, for answers. I need to know how I feel, and be able to explain to her why I feel the way I do, and where and how I came to my conclusions. I despise parents that demand their children blindly follow their beliefs, disregarding their personal feelings and experiences and squashing opportunity to become their own person, able to strike out on their own without pressures and chains that bind from history or inherited faith. Most parents naturally teach what they know and that is as far as it ever goes. It's wrong to limit children that way. They need guidance yes, that's your job, but they also need to find for themselves their own personal truths. The topic of religion involves sex and hatred and marriage and children and alcohol and a number of topics- Religion pretty much sums up our lives, who we are, how we live, what we do each and every day. So suffice it to say, it is worth writing about and just as others have written tons and tons of books and we all have our own way of following or believing or expressing, this is my place and here is where I will unload my thoughts.

I can't stop you from writing and arguing with me, don't care to either, but just know that because it is online and I don't care, I have the freedom to absolutely disregard you without one word of explanation just the same as you have the freedom of not reading what I write or engaging in any way.

2010-07-28T14:01:00.001-04:00

2010-07-26T23:32:00.008-04:00

Southern States Competition/ vacation, Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. I say vacation because I took FUCKING 3rd PLACE! I got a fucking T-shirt, a goody bag, and some fucking got damn memories... what a bitch.

Softball practice.

3rd FUCKING PLACE. Did I mention that already?

What is she doing? Who does she think she is?!

Awwwwwww kisses.

There's my girl. The only thing that really matters.

Yup.

True love.

I just couldn't resist. Grandma down the street cutting the grass in a bikini sporting that beautiful physique. Disrespectful? Nah. Props to that Woman. Where is her man at by the way? She's doing the man's work, while he was in the garage with a fucking glass of lemonade chillin' like a villain. I didn't bother snapping a shot of his ass because really- who the fuck gives a shit what the man is doing, right?!

I'm conceited. I got a reason to be.

The bigger, the better. Watch my next off season. 205 solid.

Lots of fun.

Only part of my support team. Thank you to all- a lot of my friends and family were behind the scenes, just being there... thank you, thank you, thank you.

The T-shirt says it all, really.

You like?

Oh man, I'm gonna be in some major trouble when this little girl becomes a teenager. Actually, this is why I am building muscles now... I'll be prepared to take any young man down if he so much as thinks of... oh wait- not to worry, boys/men don't think so we are all good. My daughter is a thinker. She will get everything she wants, the right way.

Southern States Photos

2010-07-22T16:17:00.002-04:00

The link to the photos from the Southern States:

http://www.musculardevelopment.com/browse/index.php?mode=browse&id=14268&eventcode=1398

More candid photos coming soon.

Fuck, Shit, Bitch

2010-07-19T22:58:00.012-04:00

Today something popped into my head from when I was a child. I remember quite a bit from when I was little and every now and then another quick flash of a memory seeps into my brain and I laugh. SLOW DOWN. The two words my Mother probably said 100 times a day to me growing up. I could never sit still, always moving, always talking, asking questions, jumping, dancing, singing, hopping, skipping, slapping things, bangin the walls, messing with my sister... oh man, I laugh so hard when I think back to all the shit I did. Damn I was feisty. I just remember my Mother always telling me to "stop fidgeting"!! Fidgeting? What the hell is that? My Mother's parents were from England and she used to say the weirdest words, and my sister and I would laugh our ass off wondering where she came up with the stuff. When she scolded us and used those words it made it even funnier. But to me, back then, to have my Mother constantly telling me to slow down, I thought something was wrong with me. Maybe it was because she would ask me all the time what the hell what was wrong with me! I literally never stopped- I was like the energizer bunny. When I slept I would kick and punch, (we eventually got bunk beds), and most nights I would wake up sweating like a just ran a marathon. Our house was tiny, and when I say tiny, I do mean it. It was so small that if I did jump I would knock something over. Everything was stacked on top of everything else, and no room to move at all. The house was so old that anything sudden could send it tumbling to the ground. Sorry if you read this Mom.... I love you. The floors were wooden and creeked and every move we made could be heard, so I got away with nothing in the middle of the night! I tried to peek through the window at the TV shows my Mom would watch late night and she caught me every damn time because of that fucking floor. If I got up to go pee she knew about it. If I tried to punch my sister in the next bed the creeks gave me away and I got punished. I hated that floor.

As a kid I know I ran my Mother ragged. I was always told to get outside with the nonsense and play outdoors, and shut up, and sit down, and relax, and be calm, and slow down (that was the favorite). It's one thing I never learned how to do I guess. I am still the same today. But do you really care? I mean really? Many of you have emailed me asking how I am doing, about the results of the contest, and wondering what I am thinking... but I gotta ask- do you really care about me? When you make contact with me, is it because you really are concerned about my well being and happiness, or is it for some other selfish reason? I mean, I am sure there has to be an element of selfishness and I am sure a little concern, maybe a mixture of the two, but which one dominates? I know you like when I jack my jaw about shit, telling everyone to fuck off, and I know you like to hear my thoughts that may somehow help you make decisions or want to argue with me- I give you things to think about. So that would be why you are selfish, but when you contact, I just want to know if you honestly care about me as a person? See, I can tell. I know real people, I know true friends, and I can feel love.

Do me a favor, if you write an email to me and you don't truly care for me as a person, keep that shit in your drafts box to be sent when you do. I don't need it. It's just one more thing I have to throw away and I am tryig to save space on my hard drive. I don't count how many 'friends' I have like so many people do on the myspace and facebook and whatever other fake social networking bullshit is out there. I don't go for quantity, it's quality I search for and I like to bounce ideas off intelligent people. But then I guess we all think we are intelligent huh? If you are creative, the let's hear it. But if I only had one person reading this blog and that one person loved me and wanted me to succeed and wished the very best for my health and happiness, that to me is far better than 10,000 ass-munches online that give two honkey donks, don't know me for shit and probably can't even read. See, this "friends" thing online has got to go. First of all your shit is fake. You don't have that many 'friends' you fucking moron. Your myspace and facebook pages are all creations of things you display that you got from someone else. You are using someone else's shit to portray your image. You use other people's saying and designs and music and you feed off negativity for the most part. You do it because you don't have a real life here in the real world. Spend time with your fucking family and get off the got damn facebook. Your kid is looking at you right now, sitting right there, and you are wasting your time with fuckers online. And you! If you spent the same amount of time with your spouse as you do on the myfacefuckingbookspace, you might not be getting a divorce. What a bunch of fucking idiots in this world. You do the facebook and myspace because it is FREE. You cheap mother fuckers. Look at the people who live on these sites, I mean every day on the site- they are broke- aint got no money in the fucking bank. And they wonder fucking why. I love it when people say they do facebook because they are trying to network and promote themselves- ok, so get a fucking website if you are trying to build a business. Advertise out here in the world as a business. If you want to be professional, get the fuck off a website that mixes all the other bullshit, you are lost. Lost in the crowd, following the crowd, missing out on all the things you could have if you stood out. Ok my two cents on that is done. Ummmmm... but yes, I do have a myspace page! hahahahahaha. In my defense though, my sister created it when she lived with me 2 years ago or so. I should probably update that shit, but I hate it.

Yeah, yeah, I know all the big businesses are on those sites too. Famous stars are too. Everyone is there... I know. But it's all in what you do with it, and I have to say this for those that hate, don't think your shit won't come back around, because it will. And the shit falls hard when it does. You don't have anything that can't be beaten down by someone if they have the will. And that brings me to my next subject- the Southern States competition:

Yes, I got beaten. I took third place and here is how I feel about it- the girls who beat me looked good. I am better, once I dial it in. Yes I said it. I am better! I am YOUNGER TOO! I believe they were in the 36-40 age group range, so they have a good 5-9 yrs on me, so watch out! As a competitor, I try new things and love to experiment with my body. It is mine to do with what I please. The reason I do this sport is to play with it. I love playing with the elements. I try different foods and combinations to see what happens and I have never denied the fact that dieting is extremely hard for me due to my long history of eating disorders. I am trying not to go back there ever. Bodybuilding forces me to go there. But I continue to do it so I guess I can't complain, huh?

So I did not come in as dry and conditioned as I should have to win, but guess what? I am still me. I still looked good. I got men on their fucking knees for me... So to all you bitches, jealous bitches, when you see me out and about, in the gym, wherever- just know I got it like that. Doesn’t fucking matter what you or anyone else thinks, what place I get, who says what and who thinks shit about me- Here is what I have:

I have a beautiful, healthy daughter. I am loved, I have real friends, my bills are paid, and I have men all over the place that worship this. OH, and I have a fucking rockin’ body… So take that and go suck that dick that gives you nothing in return. I got it exctaly like that, bitch. You, do not. Men begging and worshipping, and ready to do whatever I command. Too bad I don't cash in on it, right?

I love to learn. I have learned to be confident no matter what. Confidence is key to success- with it comes opportunity, without it only obstacles. And see, these shows are great ways to display your hard work, and if you win then it's wonderful for your self esteem and motivation. But if you don't win, it wrecks havoc on your confidence and can essentially break you down. The idea is to make a life for yourself that is balanced- I have that. I have all I need right here. I of course do want to win, and I will continue to improve each time, but I have already accomplished so much as I sit right now. If you look back at the history of most female bodybuilders they have all had times they did not show their best physique on stage and it hurt their placing. Life happens. I try every day to improve upon my life, and bodybuilding is the vehicle, the visual, the muscle I carry symbolizes my goals. I have big dreams and I have to grow into them!

Sometimes I have to remind myself of what I already have and appreciate. And what I have is good. We tend to always want more, it's natural, I guess. The rich want to be richer, the poor want to be rich, and the separation is terrible. Each individual should take responsibility and make it their job to help someone in need some how some way. If you can't do it monetarily, then use your resources, your skill and talent, your goodness, your knowledge- SHARE the wealth.

What I don't want to do is allow myself to go into debt just to step on a stage and present a physique I already know is good. Yeah I said it, I am vain, I LOOK GOOD. So many competitors get in so deep, they lose everything. They are hooked on whatever it is (everyone is different) at any cost, they compete, sometimes sacrificing way too much for it. In this ecnonomy if you are a broke Mother, it is NOT WISE to spend money on something that will not give you a return. I support bodybuilding (obviously) so long as it does not negatively impact or interfere with marriage/relationships and the raising of children. If it does you are a LOSER. If your future is fuzzy, you are in debt, and you are spending money on competing, you need to re-think what you are doing. MY OPINION, fuckwad.

So to summarize: Stop pitying me! I would rather you slap me in my face then bring the "I thought you should have won" bullshit. No need to stroke my ego, I can do that my damn self. It amazes me how so many of the "fans" of Female bodybuilding know absolutely nothing after all these years of following it, about the judging, the criteria, the rules of the sport. Really? The judging is not about maturbation. The rules do not involve masturbation. The protocol is not... you guessed it. A fan should not only masturbate to our physiques, but he/she should know the particulars behind the sport he/she is stroking to.

Thank you for the compliments you send, but please, try to learn a little before you comment about the judging. It's not politics, it's not bullshit, it is what it is. The winner of the show will be the one that is the leanest, the biggest, the driest, the hardest, the most symmetrical. She must have the complete package to win. And I am sure there are many that don't really care about the judging, they just prefer to look at us, and that's fine too, but then in that case just omit the negative comments about the judging that you know nothing about.

You ever have something happen that's a once-in-a-lifetime thing? Ever meet someone you just know is forever? I always have to think back to the my daughter, Allison, to remind myself of what is truly real. I think back to the day she was born, and how that was the single most perfect day and time of my life. I tend to compare everything else to that event. Everything else just seems so insignificant compared to my child. This is the one thing that nobody can ever take from me. And now here she is, this beautiful little girl, growing up so fast before my eyes. She is full of wonder, wanting to learn so much, so open, so trusting and forgiving and honest. She posesses all the things most humans need to. Children are the epitome, the example by which adults should follow. I think a lot of people could learn if they listened to the little ones more.
So I have met someone that is forever, and I know it. It's real and it's true.

I hate when people where the same smelly ass clothes to the gym. Do you not smell your own stench? You can only wear the same old shirt and shorts so many times before they stink to high heaven and need to be dumped. No amount of liquid detergent or bleach is going to solve this issue. If I can smell you on the treadmill, you are invading my space. I am trying to focus on winning and all I can smell is your ass. Get a fucking clue, guy. If you have been sweating at the gym in the same clothes over and over again, it's time. I should not have to whif your body odor everytime I inhale during exercise. Isn't it embarrassing? I gotta do an hour of cardio and smell you the entire time, and look at you day in and day out wearing the same damn thing and not feel any emotions? No resentment? Come on now. I won't even mention you do the same routine, it's torturous to know that you could literally put a blindfold on and do your workout- it is that exact every time. Not good. Not my business except for the fact that it gets so strenuous everyday to see the same clothes and know that somehow you will make your way to the exact treadmill next to me, even though there are 10 others you could choose from, and you STINK. You are ruining my fucking workout. I swear a goat walked in the building. A goat with diarrhea.

So... bottom line, you cannot throw those old rags into the wash anymore- the stink will not come out It's DONE. Go to the garbage can RIGHT NOW. TODAY. Let's do this. I know if you dig deep you can make this happen, I believe in you. It's a sacrifice you should make for not only yourself but for those around you, that have to injest your foul fumes on a daily basis. Let's do something crazy and wild and dangerous. Let's take a walk on the wild side and let go of inhibitions- do not focus on what you can't do, instead let's direct our attention on what you can do, and that is buy some new and everyone is safer and happier.

I don't even know where that came from. I was fine one minute then the next I think I flipped. I may have Tourettes Syndrome. Fuck, shit, bitch!

And since I did it, I might as well go all out. To the bitch in the gym who thinks she is big. NO. You are FAT and confused. You are drugged up and fat. You look horrible. If you ever want to talk, let's do it. You are not doing things properly, so stop walking around like you are carrying two suitcases thinking your lats are that fucking big. Thinking you got it all like that. Strip the fat off and you got very little so bring it down a notch, stop the glares, and chill.

I will be posting intermittently (pics to follow soon) but taking the time needed to quiet the noise in my head and heart, and remind myself of what it is I really want out of life. I wish to laugh and love every single day. I get that with the friends and family I have. I love you all.

Southern States

2010-07-13T15:28:00.001-04:00

Should I journal what I am thinking now after taking 3rd place at the Southern States this weekend?

Southern States BB Championships

2010-07-09T23:57:00.002-04:00

I am in Ft. Lauderdale... got here yesterday (Thursday). Here is what is going through my mind:

I am hungry
I am thirsty
I am tired
I have begun to question why I am here, why I bodybuild
I feel selfish
I am cranky, annoyed, and impatient
I am anxious and high strung, stressed
I want to shower but if I do I will wash off my spray-on tan, so I will revert my mind to when I was in the military and suck it up until tomorrow. (I am using wet wipes)

I love my daughter
My support team is THE BEST
My trainer is worth millions and millions of dollars- no, scratch that, he is priceless
I absolutely cannot wait until I can load up on food and drink and spend time with friends
Tired of being isolated from the world
I need to relax and I need a fucking break; ten years of competing with no break has taken it's toll on me... every year I compete 1-3 shows and I only just now realized it. I am BURNT.

I will win tomorrow. If I do not, I have no business competing at the Nationals.
I am totally convinced bodybuilders are the stupidest people on earth.

Signing off for now, gotta get up and do this thing tomorrow. I will be posting my results right here as soon as I can get to my laptop. I will be enjoying my day and all my fucking hard work, soaking it up like a sponge. Again, I cannot thank everyone enough for their support. I just cannot believe how many 'good' men there are... you have taught me so much.

Don't go getting a big head now because I am still a whacked out crazy lady and I will never lose my edge- but I gotta compliment and show respect when it is due. I am appreciative.

XO freakies.

Tammy 2, Part 2

2010-07-07T00:08:00.003-04:00

I am pretty sure we have all met Tammy 2, right? Oh ok, good then. I think she has surfaced more than once or twice here on the journal, but just in case you may not have met her... here goes the bi-polar, multiple personality, mood swingin' bitch you need to know:

Raise your hand if you email me... ok, now raise your hand if you emailed me to remind me that you emailed me.... raise your hand if I never returned your email... and if you are still waiting for a reply, raise your hand? Now raise your hand if you are the fuck-nut that everyone hides from. Aahhhhh come on, there's always one in every bunch. You are it! ding, ding, ding!! We have a winner, or should I say a WIENER? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I am sorry, I forgot your name... because it wasn't important for me to remember. Or because it was rubberducky666@aol.com, the stupidest way of introducing your pathetic self. Who the hell contacts somebody like me and doesn't give their name, yet expects return communication. Dumb ass. This sucksbigballs123@yeehaw.net has gotta stop. You are making and ass-wad out of yourself. It's embarrassing. If you suck big balls FINE- but nobody wants to know about it.

Listen, just because you email me politely or otherwise, does not mean I am at your fucking beckon call. When I fucking get around to it OK? And you might be waiting forever if you keep nudging me to email you back, because I just don't care. Who the hell are you to assume that I want to talk to you anyway? Don't you think if I had the time or inclination I would have communicated with you already? Maybe you just didn't spark my interest, or maybe you came across as a shallow dip shit. Maybe you are so vain and into yourself I feel asleep or accidentally hit the delete button. Or maybe I thought you were junk mail because you spoke to me with a tone that I didn't care for. Maybe you asked too many questions or maybe that fucking 5 page essay took up too much space on my hard drive. You could have been too dumb and Miss-spelled half your words so I couldn't even make out what you wrote. Some of you actually believe you are King Shit, submitting letters of Dominance. OOOOOHHHHHHH. I bow to your Holiness. See, I am bowing right now to you. Nope. Sorry. You haven't got anything I want.

You see, I do not have all day to sit and answer junk mail. Yes, I said it. JUNK MAIL. It is actually quite easy to filter out those that are winners and those that are losers. I know you think I sit around all day just waiting for your letters of praise or critique or criticism, but I don't. I barely have enough time to check my regular mailbox, much less this email box and when I do, I damn sure don't look to you for my worth. Whether it's good or bad it's all the same to me and none of it affects my mood or how I carry on my life. None of your comments have anything to do with me raising my child- of which you have no idea how to do or you would not be bugging me here on this journal. None of your emails pertain to my education or contribute to my bodybuilding (you damn sure don't know shit about that), and your words of wisdom and/ or lack of love for me does not impact my lifestyle. Your disgust or pleasure for me make no difference. Your emails do not convert to energy or money, they do not help me to invest in or secure the future, they do not give me sexual pleasure, they don't give me calories or make me full and satisfied, they do not make the sun shine or the rain fall, they don't take me on vacation or get me high... so to be completely honest, they are worthless. NO VALUE. Take that how you want to. I am so tired of all the jackass fuck shits that sit there and think they have something to offer me... or anyone for that matter. Pay my bills and then we can talk about how important you are in my life.

Bottom line: I don't look to you for acceptance. Never have, never will. It's like this, you can like me or not, you can lead or follow, you can leave me alone or you can shut the fuck up. You can yak on and on, but just know that I get through about one line and then I mark you as SPAM, never to return again. I do not know you, nor do I value your opinions as a friend. Now, this is of course not applicable to those I outlined in my first entry this evening titled, Tammy 1, Part 1 . Those are the people of which I trust and honor and I am loyal to. Those people have supported me, lead me, inspired and motivated, taught and encouraged me. They are good, honest people. The rest of you can take a fucking hike and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If all I have left when this is said and done is a handful of those special people, then this website has served it's purpose.

To be a true person, to earn trust, is to be sincere and genuine. Let go of all that bullshit nonsense. You are not fooling anyone but the stupid. I am not buying it. So if you don't hear back from me it's because I simply do not have the time for you. My time is precious and will not be spent on people that sit on the computer playing games, posting on FaceBook or MySpace or message boards. Those places are for BORED people, people that are bored because they aren't making anything happen; Fat, lazy, deceitful people that can only make connections by being disingenuous. Fake ass shit. A place where you can be whoever you want to be, lie, and nobody will ever know. How about you take that shit out into the real world and see what you get then. Resistance is everywhere.......................................

All I have to do is think of the time spent on you versus the time spent in the back yard throwing the ball to my daughter and I am all set. Got it?

Tammy 1, Part 1

2010-07-06T23:55:00.002-04:00

Hi Everyone,

Please be patient as I am super busy right now and will not be returning emails this week or next as I leave for competition.

THANK YOU to all my sponsors this year who made everything happen and who cared about me so much. I am truly grateful to know you and to be surrounded by such positive influences- you really do keep me grounded and prove me wrong when I say all men are idiots. I take it back and apologize- only 99% of them are idiots, the rest are wonderful and loving and genuine.

THANK YOU to all of my friends and family who have put up with my mood swings and supported me even when I was the biggest bitch on the face of the earth. I won't say I am sorry because it doesn't mean anything anymore, but I just want you to know that I do everything for a reason... just watch and see what I mean by that in the future. For me this sport is not just a hobby, a fun time passer, just something to do- it is a vehicle for bigger and better things to come for me. I am blessed by the amount of people that love and care for me.

Competition time is always the worst and I always feel so selfish, but I you know every other time of the year I give to you and expect nothing in return. I am there, I give and do and be what I need to be for everyone at all times, but this time is mine (it has to be or I can't focus) and so I thank you for your understanding and reciprocation.

I leave Thursday for the Southern States. After the show I will get to take a few days away from the gym and I can EAT good food (YUM!) and then it's back on the diet for the North America in Ohio in September. I am excited that this year my best friend, Mother and Sister, friends from the gym, co-workers, and fans will be there cheering me on. Again, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Venting, yet again

2010-07-04T00:57:00.004-04:00

For all the bitches that think they got shit, for all the people that don't do anything for anyone but themselves, for those that have no idea what hard work means, to those that take and take and never give... for all the selfish people living day to day doing nothing but spinning their wheels, gossiping, being nosy, logging their every move on facebook, forgetting to take care of their kids, too worried about the newest trend, lost yet still talking smack. For those busy getting divorce instead of working their problems out, people dropping their problems off on someone else's doorstep, blaming others, not being accountable for anything, never reading or continuing their education, unproductive and lazy, without energy for the things that truly matter in life. Here you go. Watch me as I fly past you. I am better than you. You put your energy into meaningless and temporary tasks and expect admiration. You get no pity from me- stop bringing others down and do some god damn work for a change. Forget the handouts fuckwad and get it yourself. Now there is my update, and this is as positive and as motivating as it gets right now.

OH... I almost forgot.... I have yet to meet my goal for the month. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. That's 7, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK makes 10. A special fuck you to the men in this world that think they still got it all on lock down and to the pathetic Women that gave it to them and are now living with their stupid decision to do so. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Life is good, isn't it?